(Closed) Discussion advice/tips before engaging in LDR

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

I don’t think that staying in a relationship is something you can necessarily make a pro/con list for as a basis for your decision. I was in a LDR with my now Fiance most of the time for 4.5 years. It was really hard and you have to go in knowing that it’s going to suck not getting to see each other, and you really have to be committed to it in order to make it work. My Fiance is also very logical- he “re-evaluates” our relationship all the time and comes to the decision that he wants to be with me lol.

The reason that the pro/con list doesn’t make sense is that an LDR is basically ALL cons, with the pro being that you still get to be with the person you love. That’s not an objective sort of list, and really it just depends on how you guys handle it. It seems like each of you is in no rush to get married (I was in a big rush to close the distance, I even graduated early to come home) but you can definitely expect it to be tough, especially only seeing each other a dozen times a year. A guy, especially a logical one, is not going to drop his future plans over an 8 month relationship, and you probably wouldn’t be with him if he wanted to. You just have to give him time to decide what he wants, not pay attention to the specific words he chooses, and know that it is possible that while you are so far away from each other, you will change and grow. It is up to you whether you let that affect your relationship.

Good Luck!!

Post # 5
Member
6215 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

You’re welcome! I think it’s funny that you said you were wondering if you could read between the lines, because if your Boyfriend or Best Friend is anything like mine, there aren’t really any lines. There might be more to the story, but he usually means exactly what he says and his words can be taken at face value, without any implied meaning (ie when he says there are no guarantees, that’s him being realistic and not wanting to give you any grand expectations instead of implying that he doesn’t actually want a future with you)

Post # 7
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I’m just going to preface this by saying LDRs are unbelievably difficult. They are an enormous strain on emotions, time and money and there are so many issues that pop up that you don’t really have to deal with in ‘normal’ relationships. However, if you are with someone you absolutely love and definitely want to spend your life with, then go for it!

I’ve got 25 days left on my LDR (I’m in America, he’s in England…he’s moving here in June, yay!) after 2.5 years of VERY long distance, so hopefully I can address some of your questions.

Alright, so my relationship is a bit reversed from yours, as in I’m the analytical one and my boyfriend is the emotional one. We went into the long distance being quite sure that marriage was the endgame, and personally I wouldn’t have been able to cope with such a sucky situation if he wasn’t absolutely sure he wanted to marry me. I think you and your SO need to have a “where is this going” conversation before he leaves. LDRs are simply too much work and too much heartache to go through without a thorough discussion of what you both see. Don’t accept his “I don’t know” answer, because frankly it isn’t good enough. If he’s not sure yet, that’s fine since your relationship is still young, but I think you need to know if it’s even potentially in the cards. You need to level with him about what you’re envisioning for the relationship as well- both parties have to be fully aware of how the other feels. Communication is essentially the only thing that keeps an LDR going, so both of you will have to get really good at it. I struggled a lot with this in the beginning, if I got upset about something or started having doubts about the relationship, I would just hold it in…and eventually (and predictably) I would blow up into a horrible, emotional doubtful mess that was threatening to call the whole thing off. He was always there to pick up the pieces and reassure me, but it wasn’t fair to him that I put him through the ringer every few months. I’ve gotten a LOT better at my communication and our relationship has been running very smoothly! But rest assured there will be some growing pains in the first few months as you both establish routines and boundaries and separate lives. Those months are pretty hard but remember it’s normal. Both of you need to be readily available to emotionally support the other person if they’re having a rough time and remind each other how great it will be when you can be together again.

You two will need to lay some ground rules for how the relationship is going to function (ie How often are we going to skype/call and for how long? How often are we visiting, who has to make the trip more often and who pays for what in terms of funding these trips? Are we going to keep in contact throughout the day via email and text? How will we handle the ‘sexy time’ situation while we’re apart?) You also really ought to have a chat about when the LDR should end and who will be making that sacrifice. Being in an indefinite LDR is super tricky, just since there’s no end in sight to look forward to. So my advice would be to put a relatively vague date on it (ie Summer 2014), with the assumption that either you will be together by that time or have a very candid reevaluation about things.

Just remember that because you are the one that is more secure in the relationship, you will generally be the one reassuring him and helping him to stay strong throughout the separation. That’s not a bad thing! But you have to recognize that because he is very honest about his feelings that he might say or do things that hurt you while he is sorting through things in his mind. It sounds like you two have the ability to make it work, I would just suggest trying to get on a more level field regarding what you two see being the goal of the relationship. LDRs are a serious undertaking and the more information you have going in, the better! Don’t be shy about asking him the hard questions, because you definitely deserve to know the answers.

Sorry if this has seemed like lots of “Debbie-Downer” advice, but it’s definitely beneficial to know what this kind of distance entails. These past few years have been some of the hardest, yet rewarding, of my life. I know for a fact my relationship is stronger today because of it. Yes, there are sacrifices and difficulties and kinks to work out, but knowing that you eventually won’t have any more tearful goodbyes at the airport terminal is TOTALLY worth it. Our relationship has weathered some pretty serious storms, and we know that life won’t be perfect once we’re physically together, but achieving this goal after years of hard work will feel unbelievable.

Free to PM me anytime! I was the only one of my friends (at the time) going through an LDR and didn’t have anyone to turn to for advice or even to ask “is this normal!?”…and now it seems a huge chunk of my friends are in LDRs of their own and making it work beautifully. With as much technology as we have at our disposal there really is no reason for a great relationship to end just because of distance. If you have something real and good and meaningful with your SO…well, that’s pretty rare and I wouldn’t let it slip away if I were you. I wish you two the best of luck! 

Post # 9
Member
4142 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Ok…  So we’ve been LDR for a few months, he moved for work and I stayed behind for uni.  I’m moving in July.

PPs have said some really valuable things so I will echo some of the,

  • it’s really really hard; for me the evenings are the hardest, no one to come home to, no one to snuggle with and an empyt bed, and not even anyone to talk to (but that’s made worse by the 7 hour time difference)
  • communication is key, but not easy; it’s alien to talk about the “mundane” but to me it’s the most important, SO used to feel I was keeping tabs on him (he’s very independent) and it would be difficult to pin him down
  • it’s much much worse being the one left behind; he’s experiencing new things and meeting new people, the only thing that’s changed for me is a major part of my life is missing, and that sucks
  • it’s lonely; we’ve been together 2 years this month, and whilst I have friends they don’t fill the hole; and the one thing that’s worse than being single on V-day, being in an LDR (especially if like me there is a time difference)

The hardest thing for us personally is the time difference. 7 hours during BST and 8 during GMT.  One of us is always asleep or at work.

Also have “the talk”!  I couldn’t have entered into this without knowing it was “going somewhere”, and I wouldn’t be moving 7000 miles to be with him in July either.

Best wishes and good luck.

Post # 10
Member
331 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

sktowns’ post just about hit the nail dead on top of it’s head.

The number one thing you should know goinging into an LDR is that they suck.  and by suck I mean SUCK!

My Fiance and I were in really similar place as you two years ago.  We had been dating for like 9 months when we both graduated from college and he went back to live with his parents while working on a Masters, and I went to go live in a city about 3 hours away and work on my doctorate. 

I don’t think that we would have been able to do it had we both not known that we were each other’s “Person,” and that came out of lots and lots of really deep, soul-searching conversations. 

My advice is to talk.  A lot.  Now – – about expectations, about how you really feel about eachother, about where you see yourself in a couple years, etc.  and then Later – – about the stupid thing your dog did, about how long you waited in line at the DMV, about how worried you are about your upcoming exam, and about how much you love and miss eachother, basically, try your best to stay close emotionally if you can’t be close spatially. 

Best of luck to you, and sending well wishes your way.  Things will work out the way that they are supposed to, one way or another. 

Post # 12
Member
1088 posts
Bumble bee

It sounds like you have a lot of things to consider! 

I am also in an LDR and have been in school for ages!  My career path has taken many unexpected turns, and I didn’t think that I’d be where I am now in terms of life, my career, and my relationship, but everything happens for a reason!

My advice: don’t lose sight of your goals. 

You very well may have to live in another part of the country if that is where you are accepted for med school, and it sounds like you have already considered this.  Remember that residency is another thing to consider as well.

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