Discussion: Where is the Line?

posted 2 months ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

Well….I just went through emotionl cheating (you commented on the thread -thank you!) and that was obvious crossing the line.

In your above example, I can see it both ways too. I can see how the husband would be questioning his motives but at the same time, there is no romance or boundary crossing talk. But yes, gift giving can bee seen as romantic feeling but it doesn’t have to be.

I used to work with the sweetest man on this earth. He was in a different department but just all around nice guy. He was married and I was with the ex fiance. We broke up right before Valentine’s day and he got me flowers so I wouldn’t feel lonely not having flowers on Valentine’s day. Absolutley no romantic intent or anything.

I then broke up with another ex (he knew this ex) and he got me a bottle of wine because he was happy for me and knew what an a$$hole he was. Again, no romantic intent. In fact, he and his wife were at my brother’s wedding this May (he ended up leaving my company and my brother worked with him briefly at his new company).

But I would also think that the relationship would need to be reflected on – the marriages. Is Jane doing the same with her husband? Is her husband feeling excluded from her day to day communication? Is the marriage getting the proper attention and effort?

Post # 3
Member
7857 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

It would be very strange in my relationship for either of us to give someone of the opposite sex a Valentine’s day gift or for my husband to pick a flower and give it to another woman. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that unless there was some specific reason that made sense in the context. It would just be completely out of character, so, yeah, I’d be side eyeing it hard.

All relationships are different though, clearly, so I don’t think there’s a universal answer to this. I do think though that if one person in the relationship is uncomfortable with something the other is doing, the other person should rein that behavior in — within reason of course. 

Post # 4
Member
385 posts
Helper bee

Personally, gift giving like that would cross a line in my relationship. I think it varies from relationship to relationship and depends on what an individual is comfortable with. 

Simply put, anything that your SO is uncomfortable with crosses a line. 

Post # 5
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I think that emotional cheating is a thing but its hard to tell if that is what is happening here. Did Jane and Max also get their spouses gifts? Friendly gift giving is definitely okay but to me friendly gift giving would be more like getting your friend a bottle of wine they told you they love or a certain snack food they wouldn’t shut up about for the past week.  I feel like a card and chocolates is cliche Valentines romantic…. like I wanted to get you something to show feelings so I did.

 

Post # 6
Member
1162 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah, friendly gift giving with coworkers is buying their lunch on their birthday or grabbing an extra latte in the morning. I’d, personally, save the flowers and chocolates for my husband. The exception would be when mourning, I’ve definitely given flowers to people post breakup and when a loved one passes. 

Post # 7
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

Generally I consider true platonic friendships to be those that are not fostered or given preferential treatment due to attraction, regardless of the extent to which that attraction is acted upon. It is my opinion, and experience, that non-platonic energy can be directed away from spouses/partners and to “friends” in subtle ways that can nevertheless have negative impacts on the marriage/relationship.

So I personally draw the line before physical cheating or emotional affairs with overt declarations of love, but that line can be hard to determine depending on the person and the relationships involved. 

In the Jane and Max scenario, not knowing either individual, I would want additional details to be sure:

– Is Jane the only recipient of impromptu gifts from Max?

– Was Max the only friend who received a Valentine’s Day gift from Jane?

– Have Max or Jane ever hidden or omitted details about their contact from their spouses?

– Have there been other issues/conflict in either marriage recently?

– Is either spouse feeling neglected in the marriage?

– Have Jane or Max ever prioritized the other’s feelings over those of their spouse?

The more “yes” answers, the more likely the friendship is receiving non-platonic energy and crossing boundaries IMO.

I’ve found Not “Just Friends” by Shirley Glass to be an interesting read that has helped me put into words my gut feelings on this topic.

Post # 8
Member
9673 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I have close male friends who have given me flowers and I also grab them things. They’re more like brothers as we’ve known each other for twenty years. So I wouldn’t say that it’s  Inappropriate. Usually there is something going on and we just want to make the other person smile because they’re going through some shit personally. 

Post # 10
Member
895 posts
Busy bee

The issue is that it’s a romantic holiday and two people went out of their way to give traditionally romantic gifts to each other. Now if Max gave Jane an interesting flower that was in inside joke or she had been looking for something like it, or if Jane gave Max an interesting box of chocolates from a place special to him or with a special filling he loves, those make a bit more sense – they gave the gifts not because it was Valentine’s Day, but because they happened to notice something a friend would appreciate. Or maybe they met on Valentine’s Day or spent Valentine’s Day together for years so it’s a special ‘thing’ for them. Without those caveats, it doesn’t seem like a normal friendship. 

Post # 11
Member
3019 posts
Sugar bee

somedaymrsj :  I can see both sides but mostly leaning towards no issues and here is why

1. My girlfriends and i sometimes give eachother gifts such or text “happy valentines day” so if we can do it plantonically, i would think so can a male and female. 

2. My husband has given chocolates or flowers to ladies at his work before

3. i have also recieved flowers from a coworker for Vday, he was male. We are very close though and much like a brother to me. His wife also works for our company so that really eliminates anything. 

however if my husband was that uncomfortable with it, and he wasnt overly protective or jealous normally, i would probably cut back on the cutesy gifts. 

Post # 12
Member
738 posts
Busy bee

I would love it if women gave my husband chocolates- lol because he’s allergic and so I’d get them 🙂 

Greed aside though, I think this has to be taken on a case by case basis- some of us are gift givers and this includes friends. I’ve bought chocolates for a friend of mine simply because I know she loves chocolate. I’ll buy a special mug for someone because I know he loves mugs- so if I see a cool/ unique mug I’m just thinking of putting a smile on my friend’s face, nothing romantic. And flowers can brighten anyone’s day. 

But I also think girlfriendphd : has a lot of great questions that can be used to determine the innocence (or not) of these exchanges)

And I also know that if my gift giving was making a spouse uncomfortable, I wouldn’t want to cause friction in my friend’s relationships or hurt anyone’s feelings, maybe stop  altogether of make it a gift to both of them (like a gift certificate for them to have lunch together).  

Post # 13
Member
4559 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

It depends on how the partner feels. If they are uncomfortable with such gifts given to their mate then it needs to stop.

Post # 14
Member
779 posts
Busy bee

“A couple of people said that the only real line between romantic relationships and friendships is sex”

I think this viewpoint is naive. Sex rarely just happens, it is a build up from various activities that can generally be avoided by that person not putting themselves in situations that can lead to cheating on their partner. I think people get way to caught up in the exact definition of what is physically cheating or not and ignore the fact that their partner regularly engaged in behavior that led up to the physical cheating. 

My husband giving any non family member a Valentines Day gift is a hard no for me. As is sending flowers to another woman any day of the year

Post # 15
Member
6430 posts
Bee Keeper

somedaymrsj :  At the end of the day, if Jane’s husband has expressed concern, that is more than a valid reason for Jane and Max to stop exchanging gifts, romantic or not.

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