(Closed) Disgusted and hurt by bachelor party… No touching rule broken

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
8446 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@QuietlyFading:  *HUGS* I’m so sorry you’re going through this.  I don’t really have any advice, but hopefully it’s something you and your Fiance can work through.

Post # 4
2437 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m not exactly sure why he would even think it was ok, esp after you stated your boundaries.  I do not think it’s appropriate at all if either party has an issue. sorry you are going through this.

Post # 5
352 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you feel this way! 

It sucks… as you said… there are SO MANY threads on here about bachelor parties… and it really seems like we all don’t want to be “that girl” who is jealous about strippers, but it just seems to be totally impossible not to get upset! Don’t feel bad about your emotions… at all.

That being said, if he wanted to “be intimate” as soon as he got home… it’s probably not because he was still aroused from the strippers… he probably just missed you! The fact that he got lapdances SUCKS but it was probably mostly (gross) peer pressure from his friends, probably not his idea.

I TOTALLY agree with you that it’s so dumb that a Bachelor Party is an excuse to look at/touch other naked women. The whole “last night of freedom” thing is bull shit, we all know our guys haven’t considered themselves “free agents” for a long time. It’s society’s problem.

So sorry…

Post # 6
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@QuietlyFading:  I’m so sorry that you are finding yourself in these circumstances, especially after you never dreamed you would find yourself in this situation, and you made it abundantly clear, more than once, that you were not OK with your Fiance touching or being touched.

If you’re a regular bee, then I’m sure you’ve seen my comments on these types of threads. I am definitely in the minority here, but I am opposed to these types of bachelor-party experiences for a number of reasons, one of which is due to my faith and another is that, in my opinion, these activities are not honoring  to a man’s Fiance or to his relationship.

I definitely can understand why you’re disappointed in your Fiance and also why you’re so upset.

Post # 7
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’m really really sorry that you’re going through this but I don’t know many options other than leave or stay. 

I don’t know if this helps, but haven’t you ever been turned on by another guy? Ever seen Brad Pitt in Troy. Or that Gavin guy everyone loves? Or whoever it is that you think is hot? And the fact that you thought that guy was hot didn’t make your guy less hot – right? 

I get that  you’ve got icky images in your head and I don’t know how to get rid of those, other than purposefully trying to think of other things and not dwell on it. But your guy still loves you. And is still attracted to you and still wants to marry you.

Now the whole issue with him going against what you agreed to is a whole different issue. That needs to be a discussion. But that is separate from the stripper grossness you feel.

I dunno. I don’t know that a bunch of people on the internet can help. But I hope you’re able to talk things through with your guy. He’s the one to talk to.

Post # 8
4656 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

The good news, from what I’m reading:

It sounds like he wasn’t trying to “get away” with anything, that he didn’t mean to hurt you, and he didn’t lie or try to hide anything. That’s good, and if he feels that lines weren’t crossed, it probably means there was incidental contact but nothing all that exciting, touching-wise. Just because he was in the VIP room with her didn’t mean it was anything awful.

Also, when you say “she’s the one who excited him” you make her sound like a human being with a life, which is what she is, but not in the context of the job. She’s a mannequin, a doll, I bet if you asked him to describe her face he would go “y’know… a face…” and that’s not his fault, that’s just part of the deal, it’s how they work. Try to think of it like him watching really vivid softcore porn. It’s more mechanical arousal than mental/interpersonal.

Oh, and most guys who get all excited ABOUT another woman, don’t get excited about the one at home right after. (Some do, I guess, but it’s less common from AFAIK.) A guy who has done or thought something wrong will feel shame or discomfort, not happiness and excitement at seeing you. So the fact that he wanted to be with you right after actually says to me that you were probably on his mind that whole time, associated with that excitement.

Yeah, that double standard sucks. THAT’S a conversation you are totally entitled to have with him – how would you feel if that situation was the same, but it was me and a male stripper? I think that’s a fair question for him if you want to make him think about it.

But overall, to put it bluntly, I think you need to get over it – I’m assuming this is a guy who never usually goes to strip clubs or has any interest in them and is faithful and loyal to you. It’s not a pattern of behavior. Chances are there will never be an opportunity for anything like this to ever happen again, so there’s just no point in dwelling on it.

Feel the feeling, let it go, move on.

Post # 9
4933 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would find out exactly what happened first. Know what you’re dealing with 100% before reacting. We agreed to no private dances, so I feel you on this. Having said that, when he’s in mob mentality position, possibly fuled by alcohol, thing can happen. I think that’s why so many of us find the bacheolor parties so scary. It’s possible he was pressured into it. Give him a chance to explain. See what his stance is then go from there. 

Sorry you’re going through this. 🙁

Post # 10
10291 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’m sorry you are upset and I agree with you.  If it’s not OK to carry on like these guys do at bachelor parties after marriage, then I say it’s not OK when you are supposedly  head over heels in love with the person that you are planning to spend your life with.  IMO being a bachelor is one long extended bachelor party.  

If I had good reason to think that lines had been crossed, I’d  have concerns, and not “only” because of a lap dance.  Personally I don’t take broken promises lightly and certainly not when I’m about to spend the rest of my life with someone.  You need to talk this one out. 

Post # 11
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@QuietlyFading:  I think its important to remember he loves you and wanted to come home and get it on with you.  You are the object of his sexual desire not some stripper.  I know you are angry and you have every right to be.  However, i dont think its as bad as what you are imagining.  Make sure he apologizes profusely but after that i would try to forgive and forget if you can.

Post # 13
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I’m sorry you are going through this. 🙁 I would probably want specifics, but that’s just me. 

I don’t think this is worth calling the wedding off or anything, but I also don’t think you should just let it go either. I think you and him need to talk about it and work through it together. But, eventually you will have to forgive him. It’s okay to be mad right now though. Society has made us think that it’s totally okay for men to do this, but I don’t see what that is the case. Especially if you made it very clear. 

Do you feel like the trust in your relationship has been broken beyond repair? Hopefully not! My husband broke some trust in the past (not related to a strip club-something else), but it was when we were still dating. I’ll admit.. it took me probably about 2 years to totally come to terms with it and look past it, it didn’t happen overnight. But we didn’t get married for another 4 years or so anyways.

What’s unfortunate is that this happens to women who are about to get married, you probably feel like there isn’t all the time in the world to think things over.  

Post # 15
838 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You need to ask him what the touching was. it’s better to know sooner than work it up in you head and be mad at him for something he may not have done. If you can let it go for real then let it go, but obviously you can’t, so ask him.

Post # 16
482 posts
Helper bee

@Bebealways:  +1

You’re making this a bigger deal than it should be. Alot of assumptions made on your end. Let it go, he’s marrying you that’s all that matters.

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