(Closed) disgusted with my own parents

posted 6 years ago in Intercultural
Post # 3
Member
2385 posts
Buzzing bee

That is so hard. I’m sorry. 

Post # 4
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Throw the wedding that YOU and your Fiance want to have. Ignore what they want if they aren’t paying. If they want to pay for the wedding, THEN they get a say in what happens at the wedding. Under NO circumstances should you ask your FI’s parents for money. That is horribly rude. Also, why would they take your gifts? Don’t let them do that! I would call the police if I noticed my gifts were missing from my wedding!

Post # 5
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

If they’re not paying, have the wedding that YOU want.  Tell them if they want the big wedding, they have to pay up for it. 

Post # 6
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

That’s awful. I would tell them you are now cutting the guest list and will be handling the wedding on your own. Figure out (on your own) what you can afford and then give them a number of guests that can be their invites. I would make sure any gifts/cards brought to your wedding at placed in a locked gift box and quickly moved by you or Fiance into a safe place that only you have access to when the reception starts. I am really disgusted that they would think it was okay to steal gifts intended for you.

Post # 7
Member
1348 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Have the wedding you want and pay for it yourselves. If they complain, tell them that as they aren’t paying anything towards it, they don’t have a say in it.

It would probably be easier for you to deal with if they DON’T contribute financially, it sounds like they might use that as leverage to get the wedding they think is best.

Post # 8
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Its your wedding, do what YOU want! Especially if you are paying. Maybe if you were in China, (I don’t know for a fact-just guessing-hope I don’t offend) it could be expected for your fiance to foot the bill, as things are much less costly there, but in the US, it is not feasible for him to pay for a wedding with possibly hundreds of guests he does not know. If I were you I would have the wedding I want , and let them pay for the banquet.

Post # 9
Member
750 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I’m so sorry, this must be a terrible situation for you! Have you put down deposits on your venue and any vendors yet? Have Save-The-Date Cards gone out? If not, I’d say your only option is to do the wedding that you want, within your budget. Don’t have a huge wedding with extended family if a) it’s not what you want, and b) you can’t afford it! It’s going to be difficult to tell your family that, but you are a self-sufficient adult! They will find a way to understand.

Post # 10
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m sorry you’re having trouble with the parents.  I think you need to sit down with them and tell them that you cannot afford a large wedding so A) they need to contribute if they would like a large, Chinese-oriented wedding or B) respect you and fiance’s choices as you plan a smaller wedding.

Post # 11
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@redheadem:  <—-This.

As far as gifts go I would spread the word that you prefer gifts be mailed to your address because there is no place to store them at the reception site.  I understand there are cultural differences involved here and it sounds like your parents consider wedding gifts to be your dowry (sorry) and therefore theirs so I can understand why that would upset you but I also understand their point of view.

Post # 13
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am sorry, mixing cultures can be tough.

Its time you be tough. Since you and your Fiance have to pay, its time to figure out what you can afford and then tell your parents what your plans are.

Post # 14
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

And worst case scenario, elope and send out announcements.  Then there is no issue about what kind of wedding to have and people who decide to give gifts will send them to your address by mail anyway.

Post # 16
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

There was another Bride of Chinese Heritage that posted something similar awhile ago (months ago or longer)

Her story, was such that now the Wedding was over and she and her Fiance were very much in debt.

The “red envelopes” for her Wedding Presents that came in went right into the hands of her Parents… and they kept it all.

It was a heart-breaking story

Short of telling your Parents that this isn’t China, and that you need (they need) to be aware / respectful of American Wedding Traditions and your Future Husband’s culture, I can’t see where you’ll have a much different experience.

My best advice… ELOPE

Because even if you opt for a smaller Wedding where you guys decide the Guest List etc, you’ll probably still find that your Parents aren’t happy, and trying to run things their way (got that from your post as well)… and they’ll still be looking to get their hands on the Envelopes (or they’ll end up there naturally… as I understand the custom is for the Guests to give them to the Mother / Father of the Bride)

Sorry I don’t have any better news.

EDIT TO ADD – Found that old post = http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/parents-used-our-gifts-to-pay-for-dinner-they-threw-in-our-honor-thoughts

And if you look at Reply # 4 in that topic by ejs4y8  you will find a long list of similar topics here on WBee

 

 

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