(Closed) Disillusioned -_-

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
4478 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Have you guys talked about counseling?  

 

I’m sorry about your disillusionment.  It sounds very frustrating.  The sex thing is very unhealthy and needs to be addressed.  I’m curious, though, if there were signs of these problems beforehand.  The stuff with sex, mess, and family aren’t things that show up overnight.  I hope you guys can work things out.

Post # 5
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@LadyLuna711: I definitely recommend counseling, and I think it’s important that you both have a life outside of your relationship, too. It’s a tough adjustment to being full-time partners in crime. Some things that help are defining your boundaries and learning how to communicate them in a respectful way. The truth is that, while it would be nice to have meaningful conversations all the time, that’s just not realistic in a full-time relationship. Perhaps you two can set aside one or two nights a week for “date time,” where you get out of the house and intentionally put effort into connecting on a deeper level. Take a class together, go to a museum, see an interesting film…you’re no longer in that stage of your relationship where you’re learning about each other, so it’s more important than ever to have adventures together so you don’t get bored.

Also, it’s easy to forget, when you’re living together, that your partner is not responsible for your happiness (nor are you for his). You should absolutely support each other emotionally and physically, but you both need stimulation outside of the relationship. Especially if you are struggling with staying home and feeling like all you do is cook and clean all day. Make sure you have hobbies that you are invested in and that you have set aside time for your friends.

As for the sex and cleanliness issue, I do think a few sessions of marital counseling will help you hammer out the kinks in your relationship. Know that what you are going through is totally normal, and your husband is most likely struggling with it too (hence his emotional reaction when he doesn’t get his way). You should ultimately get to a place in your relationship where you can tell your husband exactly what he does that turns you on (as well as what he does that turns you off), so that you are both more satisfied in the bedroom. Anyway, good for you for recognizing the unhealthy patterns in your relationship, and looking to do something to change them. You’re already a step in the right direction. The cleanliness thing won’t turn around immediately, but what about having a chore chart, or sharing the cooking responsibilities, so that you don’t feel like the whole burden is falling on you? Again, all of these things should be fairly straightforward if you address them in couple’s counseling. Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
287 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I’ve only been married like 5 months and we didn’t live together before either, so I definitely know its an adjustment.  My best advice is to try to find the positive side of things.  Like with the sex thing, on the upside, its good that he finds you attractive haha.  I find that saying something like, I’m glad/ appreciate that you feel that way about me, but right now isn’t a good time (for whatever reason). And maybe tell him about how the moodiness makes you feel, and what he can do to turn you on.  Oh and as I tie in to him being messy , i read an article that women get turned on when men help with chores, maybe you should tell him that… mine certainly likes doing chores a lot more now! haha. 

Also, with him being messy, maybe make it a teamwork thing. And find a way to ask him to help that he’ll respond to.  With mine it was simply finding the right way to tell him without him feeling like I was nagging.  We also made tradeoffs, like whoever doesn’t cook has to do the dishes, maybe that could help.

The family thing… my inlaws life across the country so I can’t help much haha.

As to talking about mundane things… the positive side is that he cares about you enough to want to share even the mundane parts of his life with you.  My Darling Husband  has his video games, but I realized that if I asked him to explain them to me, he’d get really excited, which I loved, and I’d understand more of what was going, which was good for me too. Or try to get a hobby that you guys can figure out together, or do things out of the ordinary (groupon and those other deal websites always have awesome ideas for randome fun things to do that aren’t too expensive).  And yea, I’d say schedule girls/ guys nights for sure.

Good luck! things will work out!  It just seems like it takes a lot of work and getting to know eachother/ communicate better, but I’m sure things will settle in.

Post # 8
Member
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

 

I’m sure that he hates “asking/nagging” for sex all the time too, but a lot of men need it to feel close. Maybe it would help and speak volumes if you decided to initiate one night? Clean the house and then be on the bed waiting when he came home, at way you can’t see the mess he made when he came home. 😛

Would it help if you but a basket at the front door so that when he comes in he has a place for dumping things? That way he doesn’t kill the mood before he even gets fully into the house.

Or perhaps you should both sit down and write a list of the 5 most important things (to you at this time) that you wish the other would do ie put away stuff when coming home or initiate sex (for him) and make a real effort to do those 5 things for each other.

Did you ever read the 5 languages of love? It’s a brilliant book which I just finished reading and it might help you both understand what the other needs.

Sorry if you weren’t looking for this kind of advice, I was just brainstorming but I hope something helps anyway.

Post # 9
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I sorry, but thats how it is when you have a roomate, which is essentially what that a husband is. They are messy and talk to about shit that you could give a flying f*** about. Mainly because they are duluded into thinking you are actually interested in whatever boring ass topic they are going on about, that not just men that happens to be prtty much everyone at one point as for you sex issue try this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZItsbLzc73s&oref=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fresults%3Fsearch_query%3Dblow%2Bjob%2Bby%2Bcollege%2Bhumor%26oq%3Dblow%2Bjob%2Bby%2Bcollege%2Bhumor%26aq%3Df%26aqi%3D%26aql%3D%26gs_sm%3De%26gs_upl%3D1120l16393l0l16669l36l36l5l24l27l0l317l1169l1.2.2.1l6l0

Post # 10
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

There’s a few things in your post you can’t do much about. He’s messy, he talks about boring stuff, weirdo family. Those are some of the reasons why it’s great to live together first to see if you can put up with him forever. He won’t stop creating a mess but you guys can negotiate a specific place for him to drop it (get him a hamper and put some hooks up for clothes to be reworn). And also negotiate a plan for cleaning, for example normally I cook, Darling Husband fills the dishwasher, the next day before I cook I empty the dishwasher… when all goes well. It’s not perfect but it’s good to have an overall idea of who’s responsible for what.

As for nagging you for sex, have you told him this is a turn off? Most guys want to turn their wives on so if you tell him specifically “nagging and pouting turns me off” but tell him it turns you on when he spends time with you or cooks dinner with you or something, he’ll probably put more effort into doing what works. After a couple times of getting turned down after nagging but getting the green light after snuggling on the couch, he’ll get the idea.

It sounds like you’re just really pissed at him right now, which it understandable. But you have to channel this anger into a productive conversation or nothing good will come of it. Honestly, I don’t know if you really need to pay for counseling over this. Maybe first try going for a long walk or run to clear your head then calmly tell him how you feel without letting it escalate into an argument. These are fairly common annoyances and not deal breakers IMO.

Post # 11
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

” Hey baby, instead of nagging around and pouting , how bout you rev my engine and turn me on by picking up your shit and telling me about how hot I am 😉 “

haha Just kididng….

Did you guys wait for sex for marriage and also do you subscribe to more traditional rolls ( are you a stay at home wife?

 

Post # 13
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@LadyLuna711: It sounds like he’s not really getting it that all of these issues are getting you down in a big way. I wonder if you suggested marriage counseling if he would understand how serious this is? Maybe it would also help him to hear your concerns without getting defensive.

Post # 14
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Out of curiosity, how old is your DH?  It doesn’t really matter, I’m just curious is he’s young and also had no idea what marriage would be like, or if he’s older?  I will tell you that men are gross.  And when they live alone, they get into horrible habits that you may or may not have noticed before you lived together.  I knew before I moved in with my Fiance that he was a complete slob, but I couldn’t do anything about it.  I know sometimes it’s easier to just do it yourself, because I’m guilty of that too, but be careful because in a year or two he’ll expect you to keep doing it because you always have.  You’re both still adjusting to living together, which is SO different than spending weekends at his house, so I think now is the perfect time to sit down and say ‘What would you like from me?  This is what I’d like from you.’ or something like that.  Don’t make it all about HIM changing, make it about BOTH of you changing…if that makes sense?

As for the sex thing, in all honesty he sounds like he has a very immature expectation of sex..  My Fiance and I both enjoy sex, but I’ve explained to him that there are differences between men and women…and just because he’s ready for it doesn’t mean I am.  If he wants sex from me, he needs to ‘work’ for it (foreplay, saying nice things, sneaking up behind you in the kitchen, etc.) and that saying ‘Want to have sex?’ doesn’t do it for me.  Also, I agree with the PP about men doing chores…when I come home from work and smell floor cleaner and the dishwasher going I’m in a much better mood!! 

If none of this helps, or he won’t listen to this, then I would suggest counseling.  The first year is the hardest for a reason, because it’s all an adjustment, but now is absolutely the time to resolve it.  Good luck!! 

Post # 15
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Have you read the “seven love languages?” I think you two should start here before counseling. Your love languages are just off.

He obviously sees sex as love and you don’t always. Anyways, the book is amazing. He needs to figure out what your love language is and how to turn you on.

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