(Closed) Disinterested MOH or selfish Bride?

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

To be straight with you – she doesn’t owe you ish as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, Maid/Matron of Honor, etc.  If your girls do help coordinate the wedding with you, throw you parties, get you a gift, etc, you should feel honored.  That said, presently most ladies know what they’re getting into when they’re asked and she should have taken the time to think about if this was something she could handle – time, effort, financially.  It sounds like you chose wrong or she felt obligated to say yes and is doing so begrudgingly. 

I wouldn’t flip, but if the lead up activiites are what will truly make or break your wedding (ahem, it shouldn’t), then you should be gentle and just ask if she’s still interested.  Give her an out and see what happens.

Post # 4
Member
3886 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

There’s two parts you have to look at. First, it sounds like your MoH may have some financial problems, and the expenses just aren’t in her budget.  People react in all sorts of weird ways when it comes to discussing their finances; it’s a very personal subject, and it’s a little shaming to have to admit that you’ve not been able to put aside a few hundred dollars even though you’ve had that expense on your radar for months, but sometimes there just is no money. Weddings are expensive for everyone involved, and the closer you are to the epicenter, the greater the financial aftershock becomes. I’d have a honest, non-confrontational talk with your MoH about the state of her finances, and see what is going on there.

Then there’s the whole event planning aspect. Sometimes you get lucky and have a natural-born planner amongst your friends. But for the rest of us, it’s really a difficult task. The etiquette rules are all over the place– some say an aunt or your grandmother or other older female relative plans the shower, some say your MoH does it, there’s no clear rules on what a shower should and shouldn’t be, and that’s just one of the many events your bridal party has to make happen.  On this, I personally would take the lead, appoint one person to be in charge of the event, give them an idea of what you want, and most importantly, tell them how it is to be paid for. 

As brides we often assume that everyone will know exactly their role and will be able to guess exactly what we want, and that’s not fair.  And I couldn’t agree more with WillyNilly‘s post above— any of these things our friends and family do for us are gifts, and we should be grateful, and we shouldn’t just expect them to happen by magic!

Post # 5
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@weddingyay:  I have questions for you before I give my opinion….

1.  How old is the MOH?

2.  What is her occupation?

3.  What is her relationship status?

4.  Do you know if she has been a Bridesmaid or Best Man or a Maid/Matron of Honor before?

Post # 6
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

OP, I understand your frustrations but be warned that this thread has major heat potential considering the BM/Bride dynamic is always a very heated debate over on the Bee.

According to most people (not saying I am one of them) all a Bridesmaid or Best Man is “required” to do is show up in her dress the day of your wedding. That’s it. Perhaps she is one of these people? Or, she could just legit not have the money to spend.

I think we would have to hear some more details before forming an educated opinion to help you out.

Post # 9
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@weddingyay:  Well, her money is her money.  Doesn’t matter how she spends it, and it doesn’t matter where it came from.  And frankly, the fact that you’re judging that she doesn’t have a ‘real job’ doesn’t speak too highly of you.  Let’s keep that part of the argument to yourself.

Post # 12
Member
3583 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oy.  Then why did you ask an unemployed person to be your Maid/Matron of Honor knowing her financial limitations and your expectations?  LOL Silly girl…

Post # 13
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@weddingyay:  But here’s the deal: She isn’t you. You may want to do those things for her, to sacrafice your pay (or unemployment check) for her wedding, to spend hours planning with her. But she still isn’t you. This isn’t her wedding. This is your wedding. And while it is expected of her to do these things, it isn’t required.

These posts are super common on weddingbee. I mean, I see them almost every day. And everyone will tell you that it’s her money, her life, and her choices. You can drop her and lose her friendship, or accept that she isn’t going to be the picture perfect Maid/Matron of Honor you want her to be.

Post # 14
Member
6824 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Her fiances is not your business. For being part of a bridal party, their really only actual “job” is to show and be witness for your wedding. All the other stuff is bonus. 

Post # 15
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@WillyNilly:  Agreed!  OP you did not answer any of my questions, BTW!

Post # 16
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The money part I can understand…my Maid/Matron of Honor is in university and is broke all the time.  She said she woul dhave money for her dress, but as of yet she does not.  She was going to come for 3 days over stagette/shower weekend, now it’s overnight.  I have to step back and understand finances rule the world, and the world doesn’t stop becasue I am getting married, finally.  I think you need to do the same.  I agree with PP about her money…its hers, to do with what she sees fit, and if it doesn’t align with your expectations, that’s really on you, not her.

However, I also would be annoyed/frustrated about the stagette.  Planning it then backing out last minute is a crappy thing to do, period.  The moeny situation here I think is on her becasue she helped plan it, so would have known exactly what she needed to do to make it happen.

 

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