Post # 1
My Dear Fiance and I are having an evening wedding (cocktails, actually) at a warehouse in a "trendy" part of town. The evening starts at 7pm, the wedding’s at 8pm and then the reception…all in the same place. On our RSVP card, we’ve listed "Adults Only Event" and on the website I’ve been very clear about only grown-ups at the wedding. (I even offer to find babysitters for out of town guests!) We are also not a particularly "child-friendly" couple…no babysitting duty for us.
One of our guests RSVPed in person and then told us that he had his children for the wedding weekend, so he might be bringing them to the wedding. I told him that we’re having an adults only event, but I really stumbled on how to be nice, but not have him bring his kids.
I’ve also had friends try to invite dates to the event. That worked out a little bit better, when I told her "no". (Our rule was that you had to be married, engaged or living together for us to invite a partner we didn’t know. We thought this would cover any guests in non-traditional relationships.)
Does anyone have a good, polite and quick answer to disinvite the uninvited?
Post # 3
I guess just what you’ve already tried to do/done – say, "I’m sorry, the reception is adults only, but I’d be happy to arrange childcare for the evening."
Post # 4
Although I am not a fan of lying – you could fudge a little and say that your vendor or bartending contract prohibits minors from attending events that primarily serve alcoholic beverages after a certain time. Then, volunteer the childcare. This way, it doesn’t come off as "I don’t want your brats there", and more of a "they won’t be allowed in" feel so he will know for sure not to bring them. Good Luck!
Post # 5
Blame it on the venue! We told my mom to mention (if anyone should grumble about the no-kids rule) that it was not a kid-friendly (i.e. unsafe for kids – it really was!) venue. Also, she said she’d told a couple people that we were on a very tight budget, and we just could not have any more people.
When we were scouting venues, we considered some museum spaces, so our "excuse" then was going to be that it just wasn’t an appropriate space for children.
Having our moms say "You just can’t do that" took a lot of pressure off.
Post # 6
I remember asking a friend if I could bring a date (since I’d have to travel a loooong distance to the wedding), but she said no. Then a week before she said I could. I didn’t go. So maybe keep that as a consideration for the singles coming from Out of Town and who may not know a lot of people there. But also, I really wasn’t offended when I asked, it was one of my first wedding invites and the RSVP card didn’t say how many seats were in my name. So be extremely direct, honest, nice and stick with your gut.
Post # 7
Definitely emphasize the child-unfriendliness of the venue, and the fact that it is more of an adult type party (mention the cocktails).
As for your +1 rule, one thing to consider is that couples can be long-term and serious without living together. Obviously, your invites have already gone out, but I see a lot of people on here post about this as their rule. There is something b/t flavor of the week and cohabitating.
Post # 7
lionsaoi: It really isn’t necessary to “disinvite” uninvited guests. In fact, the word “disinvite” indicates that you are withdrawing an invitation that has never been extended in the first place. The only guests that are invited to a wedding (or any function, for that matter) are those that are explicitly listed on the invitation. If it says, “Mr. & Mrs. John Jones,” or “Bill and Susie Jones,” then, well, that is who is invited, and not little Billy (10), Courtney (8), Bobby (5), Kaylie (3) and Bart (2 months). By the same token, it is more customary to simply invite your single friends, and expect them to attend without an escort. They can spend one afternoon and evening in the company of others without a date, can’t they? When you get those horrible phone calls from friends and family members attempting to wangle an invitation for their brood or for their most recent love interest, you should simply say, “I’m sorry, but we have a limited invitation list, and we simply cannot make any additions.” If they insist, or continue to burden you with the details of their particular situation, all you need to do is repeat the above. If you feel you will have a number of party-crashers at the reception, especially if you are providing dinner at the reception, you should consider having reserved seating at each table. You can either have place cards at each plate, or you can simply have a list of, say, eight people at each numbered table. The list can be displayed prominently near the entrance, so that Betty Buttinski and her uninvited date can learn that there is no place for him to sit at the table where her place marker is located.
Post # 8
Post # 9
MisterManners: You commented on a SEVEN YEAR OLD thread? What is wrong with you?
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
I gotta say, I’m impressed that this forum has 7-year-old threads.
Post # 12
All u gotta do is go to page 61something on the main board.
Eta: Nope, correcting myself, that only goes back 2yrs I guess
Post # 13
sarals24: Where do you get the notion that a question posted several years ago is no longer relevant? Do you believe that problems experienced several years ago are no longer experienced by others today? Or do you believe that solutions offered several years ago are no longer relevant today? If either were the case, then the writers and publishers of etiquette books would be out of business. But they are not. Their books offer sound advice that remains relevant for years and years, even though they were written ten or twenty years ago.
Post # 14
sarals24: By The Way. I kind of suspect that someone who would ask a perfect stranger “What is wrong with you,” is probably someone that doesn’t know what an etiquette book is.
Post # 15
MisterManners: it becomes irrevelent when the original poster was married 7 YEARS AGO. Pretty sure she’s not looking for your advice any longer.