Post # 1
Hi Ladies, I dont post on WB much but i read all the blogs and boards almost every day so i created a separate account anyway…
So i want your opinions on how you’d feel about this or what you would do if you were in my shoes…First of all i have to say that that my fiance is very outspoken and at times, an arrogant person..now i knew this when i met him and i love him for all his good and bad attributes. He is a unique man and not many people understand him. Hes very intelligent, very good looking and so much fun, and he genuinely cares about me and our future. Theres one thing that i really hate about him, he is a total pervert! He is so obsessed by pretty women and talks about girls every day, he is always telling me that he wants to see me ‘hook up’ with another girl and even points out the ones he’d like to see me with. He checks out other women in front of me, for example…we had been apart for the longest time to date in our relationship, 2 months (LDR, Im british, hes american) and he came to visit me for a few days as a surprise. We were having a romantic dinner at a nice restaurant and he even commented on our waitress being young and pretty and suggested we get her number!! He says these things in a teasing way so that he can get away with it. But for one, its not a joke, i know he means it…and most importantly iv told him that it really upsets me. It causes problems between us because it makes me insecure about my looks and it makes me jealous of other women. He thinks im crazy because i know he loves me and always tells me im beautiful. He apologises when i tell him how much it upsets me and i tell him not to do it but nothing changes. He is so full of testosterone he doesnt appear able to control himself!! Now, i know that he is too smart to cheat on me, there is no doubt about that..my problem is the constant disrespect from my future husband. It gives me cold feet and makes me resent him when i have to repeat myself over and over but hes too arrogant to actually take notice and stop being so disrespectful. I know that all men look at women and think about women, its natural…but surely its not too much to ask for him to keep his mouth shut?!!
ps. Sorry for the total rant and lack of legibility in my post…
Post # 3
Wow, I really don’t think this is healthy at all. If you have talked to him about it but nothing changes, I recommend seeking pre-marital counselling and focusing your time there on this issue. Best of luck to you.
Post # 4
It is not the looking that bothers me, it is the blatent disrespect for you and your feelings. You say that he sound like he is kidding, but he isn’t – BIG RED FLAG! Is this behavior that you are willing to live with the rest of your life? Are you willing to give up your citizenship, your country, and your attatchments to be treated like that? You have to sit down and think about living this way for the rest of your life and how you will feel. I am sorry you are having to go through this and I hope that the two of you can come to an understanding and figure this out. ((HUGS))
Post # 5
It’s not too much to ask! I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. I don’t really understand it either. What guy in their right mind, who is totally in love with you, would even WANT to look at other women? My Darling Husband and I have been together for a while now and he regularly tells me he has no desire to look at anyone else, but only really acknowledges someone else’s beauty if I point it out or ask his opinion (which happens lol).
Point blank, I would make my feelings known to this guy if I were in your shoes. Tell him flat out how it makes you feel and ask him, more importantly, what he hopes to find in another woman he doesn’t already have with you. In my mind, if he’s 100% committed there’s no reason he should even consider actually getting another gal’s number. It just doesn’t add up.
I’m glad you told him how you feel but maybe you need to say it again and follow up that question with ‘why?’!
You deserve to be looked after emotionally as well and if he’s your forever guy, he should want to take on that role and be the support you need.
Post # 6
Yes it’s totally normal for men and women to gawk at hotness but not okay to go over the top. If I were in your shoes, I would feel like I will “never be good enough” to fancy his wants and needs.
I’m sorry that your going through this.
I hope everything get’s better!
Post # 7
Ummm NO NO NO NO NO. You need to nip this now and let him know you do not find it appropriate. His behavior shows a TOTAL lack of respect for you and I agree with PP that this is a HUGE red flag. Your man should make you feel like a princess and like there is NO OTHER WOMAN on earth.
Post # 8
Someone who loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you should NEVER disrespect you so blatantly and intentionally.
He *can* control his actions, he is choosing not to even after you have made it clear how you feel.
I honestly would put wedding plans on hold until your communication (and his disrespect) issue is fixed. Couples counseling would be a good start.
If you keep letting him get away with this, it’ll just lead to you being insecure and him getting a away with whatever he wants. I know you say now that he’s “too smart to cheat” but if you keep putting up with this type of behavior, one day he might think that he can “get away” with that too.
Post # 9
I don’t think whether or not it is normal is really the issue. The issue is how it makes YOU feel and what you can accept. He either needs to stop or tone it down ASAP. The problem won’t go away just because you are Mrs. in front of your name.
Post # 10
@miss-sophie: You are correct it is disrespect but mostly its just immaturity. Sometimes we have to recall outr partners are not perfect and sometimes may require us to set firm bouandries…. I had a similar problem with my Fiance before we got engaged when we were first dating and I adressed it as follows:
He made it a thing to keep making comments about how hot 3somes were I simply told him after i had had enough of it firmly that it was disrespectful to tell me those things and asked him would he like to have sex with a man and let me watch ?…He practically threw up on the phone gagging LOL LOL and i said “exactly” … I am NOT bisexual or gay, I do not find women sexually attractive, and the idea of one touching me is a turn off, unless you are ready to get in bed with a man for my amusement stop talking to me that way…..he never said it too me again LOL 🙂
Now I know my Fiance loves me, but he can be a frat boy at times… I think some guys aren’t all that socially appropriate and really have no clue what a woman finds disrespectful because a lot of times our society seems to give them this false sense that all women are kissing on each other and have bi-curious fantasies.
Honestly, who can blame them our TV shows and music are full of those silly messages and most of them have been spoon fed that nonsense since highschool… this is the generation that watched britney spears and madonna make out on national TV and it continues on a daily basis….This is a teachable moment and you need to be firm! the next time he does it use my line above and say it with a raised tone ( not yelling) and a firm voice .. then watch how quick he cuts it out 🙂
I will say this its important you adress this now and before marraige counseling because some men DO have swiniging fantasies and will test limits or try to pressure their Girlfriend or Spouse to fufill fantasies you need to know if he is one of these guys early versus if hes a frat boy because thats a major red flag that could lead to an uncomfortable marriage….
Post # 11
I agree with PPs, his disregard for your feelings is really the bigger issue here. I think you need to sit down and tell him (calmly) how much is this effecting you, and maybe even tell him it’s hurt you so much you’ve anonymously posted on message boards asking for ways to help! Good luck; I hope he can get this under control and give you the respect you deserve in your relationship!
Post # 12
@miss-sophie: Sounds to me like he has the no-sister syndrome…just curious if he only grew up with brothers or is an only child? I dated a lot of guys before I met my current boyfriend and most of them who behaved that way just do because they are not used to being around women and really understanding how emotional we can get!
Post # 13
@smiles731: I think that is a valid point. However, my first serious relationship sounded a lot like this man, and he had two younger sisters he had practically raised, and loved dearly. I still don’t know how he didn’t connect it, but he never did. He also never stopped asking for sexual acts and hurting my feelings (granted I let him) until I left.
@miss-sophie: What worries me is that you have told him that it hurts your feelings, and it is still happening. I don’t care to admit that I have now been in two long-term, serious and emotionally abusive relationships (this yo-yo effect of “I love you, but [insert my needs here]” is not conducive to a healthy relationship). I never saw myself saying this, but you deserve better. Whether you two can work it out or it’s time to move on, I have no idea. But you deserve not to have your feelings hurt like this, and you have the right to stand up for yourself especially if you have an inkling that it may continue for the rest of your life. You have traded trust in him to the ends of the earth to replace trust in yourself as a singularly beautiful woman who is worthy of fair treatment.
We’ll all be here for you, good luck!
Post # 14
I suppose it’s a personal boundary thing…but I would NOT be okay with this! And you’re not weird at all for thinking it’s too much. It’s not respectful of you or women in general.
Post # 15
Men need immediate feedback and reaction. The next time he does it, check out a guy and suggest that your SO get his number. 😉
Post # 16
All I have to chime in about is that you asked him to stop and he didn’t. That is a big problem. If he stopped verbally telling you those things, but kept thinking them and lusting after other women would that be enough? I ask because I believe you have to spell out your limits. I think some men are just pervy, a friend of a friend has a husband who says really gross things to her friends in front of her and she just laughs. We all have different limits, just be clear on what your are. Is it a red flag? I see lack of respect as a red flag. I only say that because you say you have asked more than once.