Dissapointing Christmas

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

There are several issues here beyond Christmas. You said that when you opened gifts you made a big deal about how much you loved them. If you’ve done this in the past, he probably thinks he has you figured out gift wise. Have you ever actually asked him why those gifts reminded him of you?  You mentioned he got CDs in genres you liked and movies you liked, so it doesn’t seem like he was far off the mark. As far as the clothes go, you say they aren’t your size, but are they your taste? My husband would never be able to correctly buy me clothes by himself because I wear different sizes in different brands. Those are easy returns and fixes.

The other issue is that you seem really unhappy and are turning to alcohol because of it. That is a huge red flag. It’s fine to relax with a glass of wine, but reaching for 3 regularly and looking forward to it to take some of your problems away is just creating a new problem of alchohol addiction. Please seek professional help for these issues.

Post # 3
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

Yeah you sound like you’re in a rut Bee.. 

New year – time to make some changes.. Instead of taking out a useless gym membership – find a specific class or hobby or transport or something that you are more likely to go to and ENJOY! Doesn’t have to be the yucky gym.

Something that’ll give you a bit of pleasure of an evening, (sewing, yoga, photography, running anything!) and keep you away from the wine bottle… because that REALLY will not help you

Christmas can always be a bit of a let down / anti-climax. But your overall demeanour needs lifting.  

Post # 4
Member
5422 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’m sorry you’re feeling some disappointment this Holiday season. That’s a crappy feeling when everything everywhere seems so focused on “the most wonderful time of the year” and all.

1- Gift giving isn’t everyone’s love language (but it sounds like it may be yours).  You should look into it and find out what you and your husband’s love languages are.

2- You get ZERO credit for “going out of your way” to lie about loving your gifts. That’s like faking orgasms- you can’t fake and then be mad when folks don’t know how to please you properly. Maybe this is a chance to start telling your SO exactly what you want as a gift so he can be certain you’re happy and your effusive praise can be genuine?

3- Your SO getting high and passing out sounds crappy and rude. I can see why you would be upset about that. (Although, I wonder if that would have been as upsetting if other things felt like they were going well? I’d think then it would just be a passing annoyance in an otherwise pleasant or joyful time).

4- Your spiral about your weight and the gym sounds pretty ridiculous (harsh, sorry, but really). Is it hard seeing your body change? Yes, absolutely, it can be. But it also sounds like you’ve committed to the idea that you aren’t yet ready to do anything about it so then what’s with the waaah? If it isn’t time to make a change, then it’s time to love your body as it currently is. She carries you around every day and takes good care of you. Start pampering her and being appreciative of the work she does every day the way you would do for anyone who cared for you all day every day, did what you asked of them, kept you safe and protected and forgave you for not treating them as well as you should. Then maybe check in with your body and see what it would like? (As an aside- a few really helpful benefits of working out are increased endorphin releases, increased confidence, increased ability to look at yourself and your own life choices with honesty and compassion and assess the stories you tell yourself to support your own happiness or misery. Just based on this post, I think all of those would be a great reason for you to revisit the idea of a fitness program in the new year. Don’t even focus on the weight loss aspect- that’s rarely enough reason for anyone to start or stick with a program.)

It seems like this is a hard time and you’re feeling alone with your upsets and that is challenging and uncomfortable. I hope that things improve in the coming days and that you get some good connection and support from loved ones and community members to balance out the not so great parts.

4- Random aside that a lot of people tend to overlook. There was just a pretty intense full moon a few days ago. Many people don’t track things like that and miss the connections, but full moons can mess up our sleep cycles (so can alcohol) and loss of sleep or poor sleep quality increases feelings of depression (so does alcohol) and can result in feeling like we’re dragging and meh through our days. Not that this causes your feelings- but it could be exacerbating them.

Post # 5
Member
2508 posts
Sugar bee

I think this goes way beyond gift giving. For gifts, why not shop with each other for things you both really like? He’s not going to suddenly become the man who will buy you a LV purse. That’s not his style. Stop letting material objects define your relationship.

And now to the crux of your problem: You’re overweight and you feel unattractive. You need to get your butt in gear and get started on a healthier diet and lifestyle. Take full ownership of that responsibility. Join a gym and make yourself go and stop whining about how you know you won’t go. 

Post # 6
Member
9693 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

throwawayaccountsad :  

More and more I’m finding myself looking forward to two or three glasses of wine after work just to wind down . . .

 

 

Dear Bee, this is the most alarming part of your post. You are using alcohol to alter your mood. It’s a very easy slide from there to a serious drinking problem.

The amount you are consuming right now is not the litmus test.  If you finding yourself needing more alcohol to get the same effect, you’re building a tolerance and you are in major trouble.

Any substance/event that can alter our moods has abuse and addiction potential.  You are self medicating, Bee.  There are reasons for that. Your task is to identify them and find healthier ways to work out your issues.

Here’s more bad news: alcohol is a depressant. Those glasses of vino are making your depression worse.

And you’re right about the empty calories.

If you have put on weight that you consider to be excessive, there are reasons for that as well. It’s so easy for outsiders to tell you to eat less, do this or that diet, go to the gym; we have all seen this movie many times. If it were that uncomplicated, we would see nothing but thin people.

Unfortunately, food issues are complex and tend to link with other, possibly hidden issues. The typical route for the dieter is to restrict calories or carbs via simple calorie or carb counting; or to go on whatever diet is favored at the moment. This requires a lot of white knuckling. Lots of people do lose weight this way.

Keeping the weight off is another story and not a happy one. The generally accepted number is 5% will maintain the weight loss long term. There is an older study (2005) that puts the number closer to 20%.  But, they used one year as the yardstick while other studies used three.

If you are, indeed consuming more fuel than your body requires, something is driving you. It may take some digging to get at it. Sometimes our unconscious minds use extra weight for a purpose that is legitimate, but dysfunctional. I carried a lot of extra weight for many years. Via ketamine therapy, it came out that the weight was self protective. All through my childhood, men put me in situations I could not possibly know how to handle. Sometimes, women put on weight, again, all driven by unconscious issues, to stop feeling small and helpless, there are many possibilities.

Going to the gym certainly would be a positive step for you, when you’re ready.  

I won’t tackle the relationship with your husband.

My suggestion would be some therapy for you. That can help you get yourself back into balance. I think it could be very helpful for you, Bee. 

Post # 7
Member
9011 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Since neither are you are liking the gifts you exchange, why don’t you skip the gifts. Put the money towards a weekend away or something you both can enjoy. 

Post # 8
Member
1245 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Listen to PP’s.

Personal note from me: be glad you don’t have a 101 degree fever, the wonderful occasional vomiting, and cold chills so bad you feel like your collarbone will leap out of your chest and do a tango. 

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