Post # 16
Thank you everybody for your responses all have been useful and meaningful.
For those asking a humanist ceremony is different to just a basic non-religious ceremony. In the UK there are strict rules regarding what can and cannot be said in both a church and civil ceremony. We are not religious and have no connection to a church, so that was out. Civil was an option but again was subject to strict rules regarding texts which can be used, where and when the wedding can take place and things which must be said in the ceremony. A humanist ceremony is completely devoid of those restrictions, can be personalised in its entirety to suit our personal style and represents us as humanists. While these are legally binding in Scotland and Wales they are not yet binding in England and therefore we would need to still attend a registrar to actually get married- I also love a good bit of Scottish charm!
While I was aware we are getting ahead of the game and therefore it will be a longish engagement for financial reasons to allow us to have the wedding we want. I think those who pointed out that 2 and a half years is a long time to wait when you’re a certain age has perhaps opened my eyes a bit to the reality of what that could mean for them and the stage they could be at by the time that rolls round.
ALSO live-streaming, if we are fortunate enough that they are still with us, I think that could be a fantastic compromise!
Anonymous1063 : sapphire27 : midgy86 : threecrazycats :
Post # 17
I also just wanted to add, we had a humanist ceremony (in Canada) and it was beautiful, I would highly recommend one 🙂 aleycat65 :
Post # 18
I should have also said, with aging grandparents who are not well and may not be around in three years, an obvious consideration is to push the wedding up so that there is more of a chance that they can be there.
If you have to save for three years for a wedding, it’s probably not the wisest use of your resources, anyway. While the responsibility for a wedding is on you, my opinion is that most young people starting out, can’t afford and really shouldn’t be spending the kind of money that an average wedding costs. If it was me I’d have the wedding I can afford sooner rather than later, and plan the Scotland trip for an honeymoon or anniversary.
Post # 19
You will appreciate having your loved ones there more than any venue… I know its not perfect but venues never are… you can potentially have a vow renewal or honeymoon in Scotland.
I’ve been married 5 years when we had 5 of our grandparents attend, since that time 3 of our grandparents have died.
In addition, not a grandparent but my great uncle died less than two months after our wedding, he was old and losing some of his memory but was otherwise well. I’m so grateful that he was able to attend our wedding.
My grandad had parkinsons at the time of our wedding, it was a concerted effort to keep him in the correct places at the right time…. my mum missed the cake cutting because she was off finding him… but he was there. He was happy for me and enjoyed himself even if he didn’t exactly know what was going on or where he was all of the time.
Ask your parents/grandparents about the venues that you are considering… they will know what their limitations are and if the travel is reasonable. If they can manage it then your grandparents will want to please you
Post # 20
This is a choice almost everyone has to make, and I tend to agree with the priorities of a PP: people>places>things. Dh and I discussed eloping, and he was all in until the reality hit him that his grandmum would not be there. We had the wedding closer to home so that she could attend, despite it not being my ideal.
I tend to agree that with their stages of health, the situation could easily change before your wedding. If you don’t book a venue for a year or more, you may be looking at a different situation, so I’d cross that bridge when you get there.
Post # 21
I think that posters are missing the fact that OP isn’t picking Scotland because it’s pretty…they literally cannot have a humanist wedding anywhere in England.
Is it possible to do the court wedding on a Friday and a non-legal humanist ceremony on Saturday? That way you aren’t bound by the rules of what can be said.
Post # 22
I know this is a tough situation and hard to think about, bee. I have to side with the last few posters who say you will treasure your grandparents’ presence more than anything else. But I’m not sure what I would have done in this situation, since my grandparents always lived far from me. Now that they’re both gone, I realize how lucky my sister was to have them both there and still relatively healthy at her wedding.
You have the rest of your lives to go to Scotland. You could have a vow renewal there somewhere down the road. Your grandparents don’t, and they probably don’t even have until winter 2021. If their presence is what’s most important to you, you will need both a closer date and location. That means a quick courthouse ceremony to make it legal right after the “big day.”
Post # 23
I personally think that the wedding ceremony, the reason you have stated for wanting the wedding in Scottland, should be entirely about you and your partner. The rest of the wedding (reception etc), again I personally think, is very much about thanking the guests and including them in your day. But the ceremony should be exactly what you and your partner want, with very limited compromise.
My FH family live in a different state than we live, or my family lives (US so most guests will have to fly no matter where we pick as the distance is so great between family). We have picked a location is the most central. However, his grandmother is turning 98 and we discussed at legnth having the wedding in his hometown and moving up our date as she may be unable to travel in 2 years. We decided that if her health begins to fail we will travel to his hometown and do a “commitment ceremony” that she can be a part of. I would wear a white dress not a wedding gown, and go to dinner with his family afterwards. Perhaps something like this would work for you? Wish you the best of luck and congratulations!
Post # 24
For us, it was important that DH’s Gram was there (all of my grandparents have passed) which meant a wedding close to her and all of my side had extensive travel.
But it meant the world to her as her granddaughter had eloped and she was REALLY upset.
I would consider your civil ceremony quite soon so they can attend. and then you can do a renewal in Scotland when you have the resources.
I echo all the PPs: people>places>things
Post # 25
SELFISH? No. I would never in a million years call you selfish. That’s an extreme word. I’m not sure about all these “humanist” restrictions in the UK, but you seem like you’re trying to do your best.
However, you NEED to understand something: destination weddings are inconvenient for literally everyone. You, your groom, the country of choice, and most of all, your family. No matter how much you dress it up, if your guests need to spend the night somewhere, it’s going to be some level of inconvenient – and the level of inconvenience increases exponentially with every mile further that you travel, and every year older that your guests are.
If you accept this, and the fact that so few people will make this trip for you, then you’re totally fine. Just get married wherever you want. However, if this bothers you, you need to decide what’s more important to you: the presence of your guests, or the location of the wedding.
This is your wedding. Get married in a swamp in Indonesia for all anyone cares, but if you want your family there, do not be offended if they gawk at destination wedding. That’s really all there is to say.