(Closed) Distraught over name changing

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did you keep your maiden name or change your name?

    Changed my name - and am happy with it.

    Changed my name - and it makes me sad still.

    Kept my maiden name - and it is complicating things (legally, with husband, with kids, ect)

    Kept my maiden name - and we're both happy.

  • Post # 17
    941 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    On a positive note, you don’t have to change it right away! Tell people you still havent decided. You can keep your name for years, and if you feel a desire to change it, you can. Or just enjoy your own name.

    No big deal or rush! 

    Post # 18
    240 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I prefer his name. only 500 people in the country have it and my name is super common. You can’t really change your name here though, the coverment will write to you under your new name but in your passport you will always have your maiden name. 

    Post # 19
    2959 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I didn’t change my last name with my first marriage and I won’t this time either. My daughter grew up with her father’s last name. I never experienced any problems what-so-ever with school, socially, etc. And to the best of my knowledge, neither did she. My degrees are in my original last name and I am known professionally by that name. If my FH was upset about that (he’s not), then I woud not be marrying him.

    Post # 20
    862 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    @thundersvine:  If he loves you, he should respect how important your surname is to you and your identity.  My husband and I have a similar predicament–his surname is a very common last name (I hear it’s one of the most popular surnames in the United States although we live in Canada) but my surname is pretty rare and my brother and I are the last of our family to have the name, save for very distant relatives. I also know what you mean about the cultural aspect of it because my surname is Irish but my husband’s surname isn’t, and my Irish heritage is extremely important to me because I was RAISED Irish.

    I changed my last name on Facebook and am willing to be called Mrs. ******** socially, but I have not legally changed my surname, and any children that we have will be given MY surname.  However, I know that a big part of the reason why my husband is so willing to go along with this is because his mother, either by some miracle or extremely strange coincidence, actually has the same maiden surname as me so it really is BOTH of our family name which we both want our children to have, especially since my mother-in-law’s four brothers all died.  I know how lucky I am and realize that you are most likely in a very different predicament, but if your surname really means a lot to you, I still think that you ought to be allowed to keep it, especially because of the reasons you stated.  They are all very valid reasons for not wanting to change your name.  Since you don’t want your surname to die out and his surname is a lot more common than yours, would he ever possibly consider changing HIS surname perhaps?  One of you is going to compromise somewhere.  If he insists upon you taking his name, then you’re going to have to ask yourself what’s more important to you–keeping your name or making this man your husband.  Good luck!

    Post # 21
    481 posts
    Helper bee

    I am torn. I know I will take my SO’s name when we marry, for myriad reasons (& yes – tradition is one of them, ha ha!). I’m excited about it and what it signifies, etc. etc. 

    But I LOVE my last name. Like, I am almost obsessed with it. It’s a huge source of pride to me, and… well, I just love it. LOVE!!!! Also, it sounds killer with my first name. And then there’s the fact that I inherited it from my dad… sigh!! It will be a sad parting for sure.

    I plan to go Firstname Middlename Maidenname Hislastname. 

    If I ever publish anything, I’ll probably go Firstname Maidenname, though. :}

    & maybe I’ll try to give all my kids my maidenname as their middle name. >:}

    Post # 22
    13904 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m a bit sad to give up my name (I’m taking it as my middle name, but not using it day-to-day), but a lot of that has to do with some personal issues.  I’m happy for us to be married, but part of me thinks I’ll always want to be called by my maiden name.

    Post # 23
    11507 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    I changed my name by dropping my given middle name, taking my maiden name as my new, legal middle name, and taking DH’s last name as my new last name and I absolutely LOVE it!

    I usually only use “Doe” and “Smith” when I give examples online.  However, given your situation where you have a unique and beautiful maiden/last name, I’ll borrow a more glamorous sounding one from a 1970s drama and give an example:

    Let’s say I used to be “Jane Emily Carrington,” and I married “John Smith.”  When I changed my name, I went from being known as Jane E. Carrington to being known as Jane Carrington Smith.

    I originally struggled so much with my name-change choice (not in taking DH’s last name — that was a given for me, but with dropping my own, given, middle name, not because I was attached to the name itself, but because I was extremely attached to my middle initial.)

    In hindsight, I am SOOOO GLAD that I changed my name in this manner.  Here are my reasons for being so happy with this way of changing my name:

    * By taking my maiden name as my new, legal middle name, I never had to lose my maiden name. It’s still there, and I can use it any and every time I want to use it. I can also choose to go by Jane Smith or Mrs. Smith if I want to do that.  (Someone who does not take her husband’s last name technically  is not properly referred to as “Mrs.”)

    * Changing my name in this manner has provided such a great continuity of identity and has made it SO much easier to transition from one name to the other. I cannot stress this enough. It’s so much easier for people to realize that “Jane Carrington Smith” used to be “Jane Carrington” than it is for people to make the connection that Jane Carrington is now Jane Smith. This was especially true for mail that I was receiving under my maiden name.  More than three years later, I’m still receiving some mail in my maiden name, and my post office continues to deliver it, even though my forwarding order under that name has long since expired.

    * This actually is the formal, tradtional manner in which women in the U.S. have changed their names over the years, even though very few of my own friends (most of whom have now been married for 15-25 years) chose to do this. They just dropped their maiden names entirely and kept their given middle names. 

    I wish you the best with whatever you decide!

    View original reply
    @makemake:  I originally wanted to do this, but not only did my state’s DMV tell me that I could not use that format on my driver’s license but also one of my friends had done this and told me it was a nightmare for her and, if she had to do everything over again, she would have dropped her given middle name.

    Post # 24
    4846 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I hear you. My last name is very obscure. There are 3 relatives with the same last name that we’re aware of in our city. All direct relatives.  My dad’s brother and sister have no kids. I have one brother who will not be having kids, so basically the last name ends with my brother and I. My fiance’s last name is not his real family name. His dad changed it for work, and his ancestors changed it when they immigrated we assume. My family name dates back to 605ad. His family name is one generation old. : 


    Post # 25
    1659 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I like my last name a lot, especially th FN LN sound. I don’t hate DH’s LN, but we’ve been married since August and I’ve made no attempt to change or even go by his LN. He’s asked me once when I’m going to change my name, and I know that he wants me to take his name, but I’m not necessarily excited about it. I’m going to do FN Maiden name DHLN. Our older daughter has my middle name, so I’m okay dropping it 🙂

    Post # 26
    2253 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    If you’re not comfortable with the name change, then don’t do it. My DH asked me to change my last name, and I said no. He respected my decision, and it hasn’t been a problem since our conversation about it.

    Post # 27
    674 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    For my first marriage, I was Firstname Middlename Maidenname Hislastname. I didn’t have any qualms with taking my new fiance’s last name until I joked to him that he should take mine and he got very defensive and said “I have been so and so my whole life and its going to stay that way!” That sort of irked me, because my last name is my last name so why should it be any different for me? 

    I’m not attached to my last name, it has no familial value (only my older brother and I have this last name and it isn’t even what is on my birth certificate) and I really can’t wait to be part of his family… yet, I still feel sort of sad/hesitant. 

    Post # 28
    666 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Don’t do it yet then, wait for a while.  You might be ready later.

    Post # 29
    1070 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I know what you mean. My name is common, but it has a deep, colorful history that I associate very strongly with. I don’t want to lose it because it’s who I am, but then I also don’t want to have children and when the teachers call me for parent-teacher meetings, I don’t want to be Ms.So-and-So while my children are Bobby and Lola This-and-That.

    It boils down to comprimise. I will change my name (fully, no hypen here), but I am also a writer, and will keep my maiden name as my pen name. I think I’ve also gotten him to possibly agree to having one of our children named after a very important historical figure on my side  of the family who was crucial in the building of America.

    Names are names and they mean something deep to all of us. That’s why we love and hate them.

    Post # 30
    177 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: December 2014

    I like others’ suggestions to use it as your middle name. But if you are set on keeping it then kindly explain it to your Fiance. He loves you and should be understanding.

    My Fiance and I have decided to choose a completely new name since we both have long and hard to pronounce surnames (plus my long first name). Neither of us is attached to our names plus I only have 2 sisters (so our last name is essentially done for from a traditional perspective) and he has 2 brothers to carry on their family name. I can already see his parents having objections though… 

    Names can be a touchy subject

    Post # 31
    159 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    View original reply
    @Hyperventilate:  Totally agree!

    Your name doesn’t make you who you are. I’m so surprised by the amount of people that tell me not to change my name when I get married. For the girls saying it’s “who they are”….um, was it your mother’s name? Or did she change it to your father’s name? Because then that argument makes no sense – your mother can change her name, but you can’t. Bah.

    The topic ‘Distraught over name changing’ is closed to new replies.

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