(Closed) Distraught over name changing

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Did you keep your maiden name or change your name?
    Changed my name - and am happy with it. : (68 votes)
    62 %
    Changed my name - and it makes me sad still. : (7 votes)
    6 %
    Kept my maiden name - and it is complicating things (legally, with husband, with kids, ect) : (2 votes)
    2 %
    Kept my maiden name - and we're both happy. : (32 votes)
    29 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    770 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I told my fiance that if he wanted to share a last name, he was welcome to mine! We both agreed to keep our own names, and it won’t make us any less married.

    Post # 34
    Member
    112 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I would do what 

    View original reply
    Brielle suggested. 

    Post # 35
    Member
    466 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I am a bit sad to let my name go since it isn’t common. With that being said it’s important to me to honour my Fiance and take his name.

    Post # 36
    Member
    322 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I can’t even take my FI’s name since we are getting married in Quebec. So, I’ll continue to have my name and he’ll continue to have his. I LOVE my name and am very attached to it, but when we have kids, I want everyone to have the same last name. It will feel weird to me if my husband and kids share a last name and I don’t. I think I’ll feel like a step-mother or an outsider.

    Post # 37
    Member
    51 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    You can absolutely love someone and still not want to take his name. It’s just tradition that says a bride should take her husband’s name, and that tradition is rooted in the idea that the bride passes from being property of her father to property of her husband. Fun (not really) fact: in some cultures, the engagement party was just a kind of hangout/business meeting where the father and the groom negotiated over the dowry.  Awesome!

    But tradition-bucking aside, try to see if your FH can imagine what it would feel like for him if the social norm was for him to take your name. Get him past the “I’m not used to thinking like that and so it feels weird” and on to the “okay, aside from the fact that I never considered it an option, how would I actually feel about taking her name?” And if he comes back with “it would make me uncomfortable” or “I like being connected to my family/culture,” then show him that that’s exactly how you feel about changing yours. 

    That’s what it took to get my FH interested in even talking about alternate name options–I said, “well, why don’t you change YOUR name?” and he was like, “gah! no!” and then (to his credit) followed that up fairly quickly with, “ohh. so that’s how YOU feel.”

    Or see if he’s willing to have both of you change your names to both take your last name as your middle names, and his last name as your last names. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    121 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Ask him to articulate exactly why he wants you to take his last name.  If it is important to him that you have the same last name, give him the option of him taking your last name.  This may sound sarcastic, but I do not mean it that way at all.  I understand the many reason it’s nice to share a last name…but I do think that couples should be able to discuss WHICH last name they’ll share.

    Post # 39
    Member
    7769 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I wouldn’t change my name, especially if I wasn’t 100% on it.  I think it is becoming very outdated, personally (ducks tomato being thrown).

    I kept mine and DH- it was all his idea, he wanted to take mine.  Very unique traditional German name, I was the last in my family, and his name was a Hispanic name he had no connection to as his family just randomly adopted it.  (We are both of German heritage).

    Post # 40
    Member
    343 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I absolutely LOVE my current (maiden) surname, and I’m very apprehensive about changing it when we get married. I also have a professional presence with my unmarried name, so at least professionally I’d have to keep it. However I’d love for us to have the same name, and I think Fiance is secretly disappointed that I don’t want to take his name (although he supports and understands my decision either way). In an ideal world to me he would take my name, but I really don’t see that happening as it would likely make him feel emasculated. 

    Other options of combining them also wouldn’t work. Our names start with the same letter but are completely different cultures (mine a common English word starting with Ch, and his a Polish name starting with a soft C) and wouldn’t hyphenate well. I already go by my middle name so taking my maiden name as a middle name wouldn’t work either (or at least would make things incredibly complicated). I also don’t quite fancy being referred to as Mrs C, as his mum is a teacher and that’s what she gets called every day. 

    I think what I’ll end up doing is referring to myself as Miss Ch at work (for professional reasons most women in my line of work remain Miss even after marriage, and most keep their maiden names professionally) but will be Dr or Mrs C  socially. Not sure what I’ll be legally, but probably Miss Ch. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    135 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Personally, I am changing mine. It’s so long and never gets pronounced correctly.  FH has a more common last name with a different letter in there than there is normally.  I can’t wait to take him name, but as 

    View original reply
    @MoonlightRose:  said you could just change it on everything except legally.  I might go that route until you fully decide what you want and what will make you happy.  It is after-all, only a name.  And it’s your name – so you get to decide.

    Post # 42
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If you feel that strongly about your name, DO NOT change it.

    My Fiance is changing to my last name. Your Fiance might not want to do that, but he shouldn’t try to force you to change yours. That would really not be a sign of love.

    Post # 43
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    @thundersvine:  I am in the same type of situation! I am actually looking forward to my name change but I may end up having my current last name as a middle name like my sister did. 

    The topic ‘Distraught over name changing’ is closed to new replies.

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