(Closed) Divorce

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I don’t have any friends on the ‘divorce round’ yet, but when my parents hit their 25th anniversary, it seemed like everyone they knew got a divorce.  I guess it was that moment when ‘the kids were old enough for us not to live together’, so things that had been simmering for years finally came to the surface.  It was a huge shock to my parents who thought they knew their about their friends and neighbours, and I remember it caused some stress in their own relationship.

The #1 thing I always try to tell myself is that even if another couple looks perfect, you never know what is really going on in their life.  The most important thing is for me to focus on keeping my own relationship healthy even though I have the tendancy to compare myself to others.

Post # 4
Member
4001 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

We haven’t had that experience yet.  It seems all of the people getting divorced around us were the couples no one was sure would make it in the first place.  Not that we didn’t want them to suceed or that we expected a divorce but they didn’t have the strongest foundation to begin with. 

Post # 5
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Sure, it happens. I know lots of people who got married, seemed great, then suddenly it fell apart. Same with my friends’ parents and my parents’ friends. It just happens.

Sometimes I think you just follow your heart, take a leap of faith, and vow to work together to avoid divorce and keep your relationship together. 

You do the best you can and expect the same of your partner. I just try to keep my focus on my own relationship. Sometimes I feel like you can’t really ever be 100% sure because who knows what the future brings (that’s my super practical side coming out and i watched my parents go through a rough patch they never in a million years believe they’d have to deal with–a kid with an addiction problem) but at the same time, I feel like I am making an ‘educated’ decision to get married based on so many factors, not just “oh i love him soooo much”.

Post # 6
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Two very close friends of ours seperated last year and are now moving on with a divorce. We were shocked when we found out. They had been married for 2 years, had two wonderful babies and always seemed like an amazing couple. We found out after their seperation that they had been struggling as a couple for a year before their wedding, but felt they needed to marry for their child (she was 6 months pregnant with their first at the time of the wedding). They decided to seperate because they could no longer live as a loving, functioning couple and they did not want to raise their children in that negativity. It has been so sad and upsetting to see them go through this, especially now that they are not able to even be in the same room. We had always admired their love, but it turns out they just never talked about the problems in their relationship until it was too late.  Fiance and I certainly had that moment of worry for ourselves, but we know we are in a healthy, loving, communacative relationship with one another.  We cannot compare our future marriage to those of others.  I think bamm said it well. 

Post # 7
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t have any friends getting divorced yet, but only really have two married sets of friends. So at this point it’d shake me up! once more of my friends get married, I’m sad to say it won’t be such a surprise. Some of my friends are, er, rather unlucky in love. 

Post # 8
Member
2280 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

It happened to my SO. He did everything “right” (dated for six years before getting married, had stable careers and degrees, etc.) and no one expected them to get divorced, but that doesn’t really matter if one person in the relationship signs out.The sad thing is, he sort of knew and could feel it wasn’t right, but marriage was the expected step.

No one in my circle is close to that point, so I haven’t seen it personally. It’s still very sad when it happens. 🙁 I guess people get comfortable and don’t examine what they have closely.

Post # 9
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

… none of my friends are even close to being MARRIED yet, but alot of my co-workers/ parents friends have gotten divorce. Some of the instances were valid, but alot of times it was because they “just didn’t feel like being married anymore” which I can’t understand. I guess it wasn’t as important to them.

Post # 10
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

It bugs me when people get married because it is the expected step. I know that the immediate reaction to choosing not to get married can be really rough, but it’s so much less traumatic than getting married just because and ending up divorced a year or two down the road. I don’t think that just having a child or having dated for a certain length means that marriage is the right step.

The divorce rate is 51%!!! That is an awful lot of people making a lifelong committment just to check out a few years down the road. Obviously you can’t make a marriage work on your own, and if your SO wants out, your options are limited. I just think that the number of people who experience major, life altering events that change who they are as a person is much less than the number of couples getting divorced. That means that there are a lot of couples getting married who aren’t in a healthy, mature, stable and open relationship, and who probably shouldn’t be getting married, at least not based on how I view marriage.

I think the only thing that you can do when you realize that other married couples are divorcing is to take a long hard look at yourself and your relationship. Look at the reasons why marriages break up and communicate about those issues and how they might affect you as a couple. Don’t ignore any concerns, reservations or red flags that you have about your SO.

Post # 11
Member
1106 posts
Bumble bee

My parents were divorced when I was 13 months old and my So’s parents got divorced when he was 9. I think for us this was a blessing in disguise because we have learned alot about what we dont want and what we do want. Both of us are really trying to be responsible about our decision to get married (before each other neither one of us wanted to get married ever) and work on building our relationship and no just work on prepairing for the wedding. We KNOW we are going to get married to one another, but we want to make sure to build a stable foundation for our relationship as well.

Post # 12
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

You know, when I got divorced people were freaked out about it, but as they saw me get happier, more independent, and overall just turn my life around, I think they realized that it was the best thing. A friend even said to me, months later, that she can’t believe how much happier I seem, how good of a thing it was. I had a similar situation to your friend – were together so long so LETS GET MARRIED YAY WEDDINGS!!  Bad choices. I guess there’s a reason they say its best to wait. I’m not knocking the young brides here – everyone is different and some are much more mature than others. But I wasn’t. My mom told me I wasn’t…but what kid in love is gonna listen to their mom?  And a few years later, she was definitely eligible to say ‘i told you so’! 

Post # 13
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

One of FI’s friends is in a messy divorce right now. The guy (friend) hired a PI to check out his wife and sure enough, she was cheating on him. Multiple times a week, getting it on behind the place she worked, etc…. There’s a lot of young children in the group since Fiance is the youngest though so it’s been rough trying to explain what happened to Mrs. ___.

Another friend of a friend got divorced years ago… but, she got married at 17 her junior year of HS. YUP… I kid you not.  It lasted about 3 years.

The divorce rate is what is, but society is also changing to EXPECT divorce. Just the other day there was a link to an article here about how much weddings really cost, and one quote mentioned the “average 26 year old female getting married for the FIRST time.” Um, no, we should only want to get married once… not expect a 2nd. 

eTA: of course there are valid reasons, I’m just pointing our the shift of people expecting first marriages to fail.

Reminds me of when I went to a dress fitting with a friend, “OH, your dress is gorgeous! Is this going to be your FIRST wedding?”  My jaw hit the floor! OMG, are you kidding me, She was awesome though and without even turning to face her goes, “It’s my only wedding.” Sigh, for real…. 

Post # 14
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My good friend dated her ex-husband for about 6 years. They were both mid-twenties, not right out of college. ‘Perfect Couple’.  They got married, and then divorced within a year.  They started marital counseling within 2 months after the wedding.  Turns out they just COULD NOT live together, drove each other up the wall.  So I moved in with my Fiance before the wedding – just in case 🙂

Post # 15
Member
327 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2000

My oppinion might not be the popular one, but I don’t believe that it’s okay to allow divorce to become EXPECTED in society. Not when you are promising a life long committment, legally, morally and in front of God (if you believe).

If you are expecting divorce as a part of life, then maybe you need to change the wording. “I take you as my husband until things get tough” or “until you turn into a cheating bastard” or “until my controling and OCD qualities nag the f$%# out of you” or “I take you to me my partner until I don’t feel like it anymore!”

You can’t make a lifelong committment while accepting divorce as a normal part of society. That is called hipocrisy.

That being said, I accept that there are at times life altering events (addiction, death of a child, life threatening illness, or very serious accident) that change a person and couple so much that divorcing might be an option. But I don’t believe for a second that that accounts for 51% of marriages ending in divorce.

Marriages end in divorce most of the time because people are impulsive, weak, naive, gullible, ignorant, self-centered, caught up in the idea of marriage, too busy planning a wedding to think about marriage, lazy, and want the easy way out. Few people are tough enough to take a hard look at themselves and their partners (especially their flaws) before getting married. They want to sweep problems under the rug, give someone a third or fourth or tenth chance, and they want to change the other person. They don’t talk about expectations, life goals, what they really want in life, and the details that make a marriage work. They don’t really consider the weight of their decision. They don’t want to walk away from an okay relationship because they want to be married, maybe just not to the person that they are dating. Very few people honestly and truly reflect on themselves and their partners and use that information or revalations to make the tough choices. They ignore what they don’t want to see. They expect things to change. New flash. They don’t.

There are no guarentees. I definitely don’t advocate for anyone to stay in a marriage where they are truly unhappy, especially if there is abuse of any kind.

But I truly believe that if more people refelcted on themselves and seriously considered the decision before getting married, and made the tough decisions when it came to that, that most divorces could be avoided. Marriage is tough and many people just aren’t prepared.

I am confident that my fiance and I have the best possible chance to stay together for the rest of our lives. We both know why we talk/act/behave they way we do. We have looked closely and spent countless hours at how our marriage will work and suceed. We have a plan. We know each other inside and out. Neither of us have ANY red flags. Our families have met and completely approve of and support the marriage. Neither of us have expectations for the other to change and are accepted and loved for who we are now, not who we want each other to be. We have demonstated over and over that we each value the relationship and each other over all else. There are no guarantees that knowing each other this well will prevent us from ever getting divorced. But I can say with confidence that something huge would have to happen to significantly change who my fiance is in order for me ever to leave him, and there are very few things that I would ever consider leaving him over.

By accepting divorce as an expected part of society, we are belittling our own unions, and promoting social standards that don’t include hard work, perseverence, honesty, loyalty, and that allow for people to quit when things get tough. I’m sorry, but that is not th message that I want to send to the next generation.

Post # 16
Member
348 posts
Helper bee

@di5308: Legally, most of us are not actually promising a lifelong commitment.  We may intend it that way, and for those who are religious, we may be making a lifetime commitment as part of those vows.  But since divorce *is* legal in the US, entering in to a marriage is not a legal promise to be married for our lifetimes. 

Historically, the rise of divorce in the US is part of a much broader shift in the way that people think about marriage.  150 years ago, no one really got divorced, but people also didn’t get married primarily because they loved each other.  The ideal of romantic love as we know it now barely existed.  Marriage was much more about making a family and gaining economic stability, while hopefully having a respectful partnership with your spouse.  Now that most Americans think of marriage as something that satisfies a primarily emotional need, we are much readier to divorce when that emotional need is not getting met.  Personally, that’s a trade-off that I am happy with.  I hope that my relationship will never decay to the point where I would consider divorce.  However, I’m glad that it’s an option.

Also, I’d ask everyone to remember that there are numerous people who’ve experienced divorce on these boards, and assumptions about why they made the choices they did can be quite hurtful.

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