Post # 1
I have a question for you divorced bees out there.
How did the actual “divorce talk” happen? Did you bring it up? Did your (then) husband? What do you wish you’d done differently? What do you wish you’d known going into it?
Post # 3
@lookingforadvice77: I’m afraid I can’t help you myself, but can I recommend reposting this onto the Encore board? There’ll be more bees there ready to help you. 🙂
Post # 4
I went through a divorce.
We had been having issues for a couple years now. I begged him to come see a marriage counselor with me. We’re very broken, we could not fix this on our own. He would refuse to go with me, so I went alone for a year.
I recall telling him 2x that I wanted to be alone. I was unhappy with him (he was emotionally abusive). He seemed to claim it was his first learning of my unhappiness and somehow reeled me back in with promises. I waited to see changes. I spelled out the changes (I read TONS of marriage books during this time period).
He on the other hand would throw the word “divorce” in my face any time I needed to bring up any issue that as actually make it too bad for me to stay in the relationship. It was his “off-the-table-it is” method – not making topics even discussable.
So that was the “things are really bad, I need to see some changes if we are going to make it” talks went on for over a year in summary.
After seeing no change, and noticing my health was declining (like massive stomach pains when he pulled in the driveway, screaming when I was all by myself that I would actually pull a muscle in my neck!), I told him one evening, “I think we need to split up. This is not working for me. I want you to leave the house.” He cried. I gave him two weeks to get out. Everyday there was crying. He confessed he knew what he was doing to me this entire time. He knew he was gaslighting me. He begged to stay; he begged to see a therapist with me.
I told him, “no, it’s time to leave, you had your chances” (and yes according to my books I read on abuse, they promise the world to keep you but then their true colors come out and they did).
I asked for no contact for an entire month after he moved out. Oh what joy I had after he was gone and not bothering me!
What do I wish I had done differently? I wished I had not agreed to a 6 month separation period. I knew I was done with him. I did not need the separation to “think about it.” I wished I started the divorce right after he was kicked out because he got nasty and manipulative everytime I rejected him during the separation period.
Post # 5
@lookingforadvice77: I also have some book recs for you:
Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your… by Mira Kirshenbaum
Uncoupling: Turning Points in Intimate Relationships by Diane Vaughan
Cutting Loose: Why Women Who End Their Marriages Do So Well by Ashton Applewhite
Women & Love: Finding True Love While Staying True to Yourself: The Eight Make-Or-Break Experiences in Women’s… by Mira Kirshenbaum