Divorce

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

You are not being selfish at all. What you described IS abuse. 

Post # 3
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

What you are describing is emotional abuse. You’ve done nothing wrong and definitely did the right thing leaving him. Stay strong hun

Post # 4
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

How aweful. Too bad you gave away your cat 😔 

Please get counseling. The fact that you’re even questioning leaving him means you need serious help. Good luck.

Post # 5
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You 100% did the right thing. 

Post # 6
Member
91 posts
Worker bee

You 100% did the right thing!

He sounds like my ex husband who has narcissistic personality disorder but worse!

When you’re in the situation it’s hard to clearly.

At the end my ex told me that our son had been a cancer in his life for 3 years.  I decided to leave but when he was begging me to stay I STILL was questioning whether it was the right decision.

Do NOT go back to him even if he begs, promises to go to therapy, change etc.

It’s just part of the cycle of abuse.

Good luck to you!  You have a long life ahead of you filled with wonderful things!

Post # 7
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018 - England

mrscatlover :  I am so happy you have left such a abusive sounding husband. Go be everything you can be. Get your masters. You are only 22. You will find someone who truely cares for you and encourages you to be the best person you can be, which is how a loving relationship should be, not belittling you and making you feel worthless!! 

Post # 8
Member
47148 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

mrscatlover :  You did the right thing. Would you really want to live the rest of your life like that?

Your self esteem has probably taken a huge blow since you have been with him. Try to think back to before he began undermining you, and remember what a competent person you were, and can be again.

Post # 9
Member
829 posts
Busy bee

You left him because HE broke your wedding vows.  Did he love and cherish you as he vowed to? Nope, he abused you verbally. He belittled you. He withheld affection to punish you. 

 

You said ask yourself that you believe in upholding wedding vows unless there is abuse.  Bee, you were abused. He may not have physically hit you but verbal abuse IS abuse. Screaming at your wife that she is dressing like a whore and that you should f*cking know your place IS abuse.  Please make peace with your decision because you made the right one. It might help to talk to a therapist about this too.

 

You are so very young and when you are older and happily married to a loving man, you will look back and see how brave you were to leave this abusive marriage. 

Post # 10
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

It’s hard to leave an abusive situation. You’re not wrong for leaving, a lot of people would have left when he made you get rid of your cat. 

I would have left when he scheduled sex only once every 2x weeks, let alone when he decided to use it as a punishment or a reward for your behavior. 

He likely made a 180 turn in his behavior once you married because he felt like you wouldn’t leave, that you were trapped with him. He knew that if he had started all of this while you were dating you would have left. 

You didn’t abandon him, he chased you away with his abuse. 

 

Post # 12
Member
570 posts
Busy bee

OMG, run away and never turn back. He is AWFUL! I am shocked. No one should be treated this way. 

Are you sure there were absolutely no signs of any of this behaviour before you got engaged/married?! That’s insane. Either he completely faked being nice to trap you, or he has developed a mental disorder or a brain tumour. This is all so crazy. 

May I ask what culture he’s from? Maybe he did have these views all along about how you need to be subservient and that he is “superior” to you. It could be that he’s from a very patriarchal culture/religion, although I’m confused at how he could hide it from you for so long. 

How long did you go from dating to engaged and married? That might help to know. 

But anyway, you absolutely did the right thing. He sounds like a psycho and would have made you miserable for the rest of your life. 

Post # 13
Member
10415 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

mrscatlover :  

Oh, Bee.  I remember your awful story.  He never changed, Bee. It’s very common with abusers to let their masks slip after a major shift in the relationship, eg marriage, moving in, engagement, pregnancy, whatever it takes for the abuser to feel that you are fully locked down. The monster he is right now is the person he always was.

Once the divorce is in full swing, he’ll be even worse. This will help you let go of some of the pointless and self destructive guilt you’re dragging around. Do not believe for a second that if you’re fair and reasonable, he will be too. Don’t set yourself up for a hard sucker punch.

Lean on your family, Bee. They love you.

What you are describing is a woman who is losing herself. That’s what happens when you are with an abuser. Nothing you’re thinking or feeling is abnormal.  Separating and getting back to yourself is a process, not an event.

Two suggestions. I may have already mentioned Dr Patrick J Carnes’ book, The Betrayal Bond. And, do a little research on Stockholm Syndrome.

If you aren’t already, get thee to therapy. You probably have some PTSD.

 

Post # 14
Member
10415 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

dgirl715 :  

Not to worry. The physical abuse was coming.

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