Post # 1
I wrote a post a while ago about my husband’s behavior. I guess I just wanted to reach out again to see if anyone has had the same experience. I seperated from him yesterday after going back and forth for weeks. I am a strong believer in marriage lasting forever, unless there is infidelity, abuse or addiction. Once we moved to our own place, he COMPLETELY changed. He started threatening divorce for almost every argument, even little stuff, such as me spilling rice on the carpet. I told him how damaging this was to me and he stopped threatening divorce, only to threaten seperation. He would threaten to leave for the weekend or night if we got into a small argument. He would tell me that he doesn’t know if he could be with someone like me and said that he’d make up his mind in a few months. Once, I asked for him to stop doing something while we were infront of my parents. After we left, he told me that I need to let him get away with more things because he is smarter, makes the money, had a better GPA in college, and is emotionally stable and mature while I am emotionally unstable and immature. Those were his exact words. He would schedule sex once every two weeks and if I did something that upset him, he would tell me that there would be no sex and that I would have to wait another two weeks. I am a very sexual person so it was hard for me to acquiesce, but I did. Once he got into an argument about a coupon with a fast food worker, and I told him in another language (as to not embarrass him) to please stop. After we left, he hit the car and started screaming at me to ‘know my place,’ and to not f*cking talk while he is talking and telling someone how to do their job. He made me get rid of my cat and told me that if I didn’t he would divorce or leave me. We have been married for not even a year, but this all started happening once we moved out of my parent’s. He completely changed, told me in EXACT words that he wanted a submissive and obedient wife, although when we were engaged he said NONE of this. I tried to change but I felt myself being broken down. I am usually a passionate, fiery person and I started losing it. I went grocery shopping without him and when he came home to find this out, he started calling me selfish and told me that if he was married to the devil the devil wouldnt even do this to him. I literally just went grocery shopping without him. I once wore a sweater out that was tight and when I got back and he saw what I was wearing he started screaming at me calling me a whore and a slut and say that I might as well be sucking my professor’s dick. I guess it just got to be too much and I left. I’m making this post because I’m questing if I did the right thing. We don’t have any children together and I’m young, 22. I’m getting my masters and have a loving family I went back too, but I am still feeling like I abandoned him and my vows. We of course had great times together too, we laughed together, he helped me when I was anxious and at my lowest, he had a great sense of humor. He comforted me and didn’t cheat. He went out of his way to get me food that I liked. I feel so stuck as to if I was in the right to leave, because I still love him and feel committed. I just felt my psyche being torn apart and I started to kind of go numb. I lost the will power to fight back and that scared me. Do other women think they would do the same thing? I can’t help but looking at my left ring finger and feeling so sad that there’s no ring on it. I think about my wedding dress and all these plans we had. But how do I live with someone who is damaging? I can tolerate the incompatability and the unhappiness, but feeling myself internalizing everything he said was too much. Am I being selfish?
ignore the spelling errors and grammar please, I am not in the mood to try.
Post # 2
You are not being selfish at all. What you described IS abuse.
Post # 3
What you are describing is emotional abuse. You’ve done nothing wrong and definitely did the right thing leaving him. Stay strong hun
Post # 4
How aweful. Too bad you gave away your cat 😔
Please get counseling. The fact that you’re even questioning leaving him means you need serious help. Good luck.
Post # 5
You 100% did the right thing.
Post # 6
You 100% did the right thing!
He sounds like my ex husband who has narcissistic personality disorder but worse!
When you’re in the situation it’s hard to clearly.
At the end my ex told me that our son had been a cancer in his life for 3 years. I decided to leave but when he was begging me to stay I STILL was questioning whether it was the right decision.
Do NOT go back to him even if he begs, promises to go to therapy, change etc.
It’s just part of the cycle of abuse.
Good luck to you! You have a long life ahead of you filled with wonderful things!
Post # 7
- Wedding: June 2018 - England
mrscatlover : I am so happy you have left such a abusive sounding husband. Go be everything you can be. Get your masters. You are only 22. You will find someone who truely cares for you and encourages you to be the best person you can be, which is how a loving relationship should be, not belittling you and making you feel worthless!!
Post # 8
mrscatlover : You did the right thing. Would you really want to live the rest of your life like that?
Your self esteem has probably taken a huge blow since you have been with him. Try to think back to before he began undermining you, and remember what a competent person you were, and can be again.
Post # 9
You left him because HE broke your wedding vows. Did he love and cherish you as he vowed to? Nope, he abused you verbally. He belittled you. He withheld affection to punish you.
You said ask yourself that you believe in upholding wedding vows unless there is abuse. Bee, you were abused. He may not have physically hit you but verbal abuse IS abuse. Screaming at your wife that she is dressing like a whore and that you should f*cking know your place IS abuse. Please make peace with your decision because you made the right one. It might help to talk to a therapist about this too.
You are so very young and when you are older and happily married to a loving man, you will look back and see how brave you were to leave this abusive marriage.
Post # 10
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
It’s hard to leave an abusive situation. You’re not wrong for leaving, a lot of people would have left when he made you get rid of your cat.
I would have left when he scheduled sex only once every 2x weeks, let alone when he decided to use it as a punishment or a reward for your behavior.
He likely made a 180 turn in his behavior once you married because he felt like you wouldn’t leave, that you were trapped with him. He knew that if he had started all of this while you were dating you would have left.
You didn’t abandon him, he chased you away with his abuse.
Post # 11
lifeisbeeutiful : I have my cat 🙂 My parent’s accepted him and now I’m with them.
Post # 12
OMG, run away and never turn back. He is AWFUL! I am shocked. No one should be treated this way.
Are you sure there were absolutely no signs of any of this behaviour before you got engaged/married?! That’s insane. Either he completely faked being nice to trap you, or he has developed a mental disorder or a brain tumour. This is all so crazy.
May I ask what culture he’s from? Maybe he did have these views all along about how you need to be subservient and that he is “superior” to you. It could be that he’s from a very patriarchal culture/religion, although I’m confused at how he could hide it from you for so long.
How long did you go from dating to engaged and married? That might help to know.
But anyway, you absolutely did the right thing. He sounds like a psycho and would have made you miserable for the rest of your life.
Post # 13
Oh, Bee. I remember your awful story. He never changed, Bee. It’s very common with abusers to let their masks slip after a major shift in the relationship, eg marriage, moving in, engagement, pregnancy, whatever it takes for the abuser to feel that you are fully locked down. The monster he is right now is the person he always was.
Once the divorce is in full swing, he’ll be even worse. This will help you let go of some of the pointless and self destructive guilt you’re dragging around. Do not believe for a second that if you’re fair and reasonable, he will be too. Don’t set yourself up for a hard sucker punch.
Lean on your family, Bee. They love you.
What you are describing is a woman who is losing herself. That’s what happens when you are with an abuser. Nothing you’re thinking or feeling is abnormal. Separating and getting back to yourself is a process, not an event.
Two suggestions. I may have already mentioned Dr Patrick J Carnes’ book, The Betrayal Bond. And, do a little research on Stockholm Syndrome.
If you aren’t already, get thee to therapy. You probably have some PTSD.
Post # 14
Not to worry. The physical abuse was coming.
Post # 15
sassy411 : Thank you so much for those book recommendations! I will look for sure. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it.