(Closed) Divorce after a month?

posted 12 years ago in Married Life
Post # 17
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2007

From someone who has been there…  You cannot single-handedly save this relationship.  If one partner quits or works against the team, I’m sorry to say but it’s probably doomed.  You can prolong the agony with counseling, writing letters, etc. but unless he’s willing to work as hard as you to make your marriage work it’s all pointless imo.  It is possible that he can change, but really it’s not likely.  I hope that when you put the hammer down it wakes him up and he does and you have many years of wedded bliss. In the meantime, my thoughts are with you.  I know this is very very difficult. You seem very strong and self-assured so I have confidence you can handle it all with aplomb!  Good luck!!!

Post # 18
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Have you tried the "Divorce Remedy"?

http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remedy-Proven-Program-Marriage/dp/B00009NDA8/ 

A friend of mine almost lost his wife to divorce, and said this book saved his marriage.  I checked it out, and it has a lot of great tips for any healthy marriage.  There’s a whole section for how to make progress with your marriage when your partner has given up on things… I couldn’t believe that this was possible, but the author (a marriage counselor) makes a pretty fascinating case.

Post # 19
Member
75 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

He sounds depressed–and in total denial and blaming you for the situation. Maybe he’s afraid to try to find another job because every time he didn’t get one he would feel he’d failed. Better to fail because he didn’t try at all. Sounds like he needs counseling badly, but you’re not his counselor. Whatever it is, you can’t fix it: only he can fix what’s wrong with him, and him accusing you of causing his failure by not supporting him is just the excuse he’s giving himself to avoid responsibility. Remove the excuse and see what happens.

I would definitely start talking with a lawyer to see what steps you need to take to protet yourself–the law varies from state to state and if you didn’t have a pre-nup you need to find out asap what your state’s laws are and how they relate to your situation.

Post # 20
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee

Definitely protect your own assets before things get nasty. But if you think there is any emotions that are salvageable, perhaps you can work on things…is he in marriage shock and perhaps secretly mourning his single existence?? this just sounds awful to deal with. i’m sorry.

Post # 21
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Everybody has given great advice and kind words above.  However, in addition to that I wanted to add:

Run. Fast. The other way. Now.  

Post # 22
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2008

This is a heartbreaking situation, because all marriages take such an inordinant amount of work whether you realize it or not, this could be anyone’s situation. Don’t be too quick to throw your husband out on his ass just yet. I know that you are frustrated and taxed, and it’s not fair that you have to put your plans on hold because you’re bearing the lion’s share of the financial responsibilities. And it’s really bad if that’s not what you expected to happen.  Men have entirely different sensibilities (or lack thereof), so there has to be a reason why he quit his job as an attorney to pursue real estate. Do you know what that is, or did you guys discuss this at all beforehand? Does he truly know how taxing it is for you to have to pay for everything? I mean, you can tell him a million times, but that still doesn’t mean that he understands.  He might have some kind of unrealistic fantasy that by him getting into real estate, he is going to make oodles of money to take care of the both of you, and that all he needs is for you to be patient and understand that. Sounds crazy, but men aren’t always logical or practical.  I suggest you make every attempt to communicate before you get an anullment.  I am assuming that whatever love was there beforehand (even though the Rabbi advised you not to get married) is still there, even if his actions say otherwise. Of course, if you’ve made every attempt at communication and trying to save your marriage, with no help from your husband whatsoever, then what else can you do?

Post # 23
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Everyone has really good comments!

I just wanted to add that maybe you need to go back to the Rabbi for support. Maybe he needs to hear all this from a 3rd person since it sounds like he totally not hearing you!

I feel like since you did get married maybe try to make it work now.

Why was he fired/quit being a lawyer anyway? Does he want a different career now!?

Post # 24
Member
236 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I am so sorry to hear about your situation and hope that you are holding up. I think when one person in the relationship is in depression, it can really get the other one into that situation as well. Maybe if you are going to couple’s counseling, it would also help to do sessions alone as well.

On that note: I think only you can know what is right for you. And I think you probably have a good feeling already of what you really want/need to do. Any decision you make will not be wrong and nobody will judge you for it. You seem like a really strong woman and I hope you can remain that way after this drama subsides. I hope you are able to pursue yor own passions and whether you stay together or not, that you will be able to go for grad school, since he obviously was! Good luck!

ps. why does he want to throw away his career in law all together? Just because he was fired/laid off from his current job, does that mean his degree is completely defunct? He probably has student loans to pay off still, doesn’t he?

Post # 25
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

I’ve been in a similar position as you… Although we’re not married, we’ve been living together for a few years. Last year (06), my FH up and quit his job in law enforcement due to anxiety. He didn’t talk to me about it and I felt completely betrayed. I also had plans to begin grad school (jan 07) and informed him that in no way was I putting my education on hold due to his current identity crisis. Although that seems uncaring, I know that putting my life on hold to pay bills and work longer would just push back my dream. You have to still work to achieve your goals and do what you need to do so that you are happy as well. He knew that this was a dream of mine and quite frankly I feel that it was somewhat of an emotional contract, in that he would support me (emotionally) to achieving my dreams, as I helped him (emotionally) while he left me (were long distance) for 10 months to go through training to get this job in law enforcement (in 05). I told him that I supported him and now it was my turn. Selfish, probably, but it was my turn. So I enrolled into school just as planned, and he went back to his position in law enforcement a few months after I started grad school. It took him about 7 or 8 months to get himself straight to go back to that job. I stayed with him because I love him. BUT, I made it very clear that I was not going to be sticking around if he did not do his part. My point is that you are still an individual. If he expects you to give up your dreams and goals, then this is not a partnership. But things go both ways… if once you finish your schooling, that you cannot support him in making a choice, then you have to re-think your position in this partnership as well. Which doesn’t sound like the case here but it was important to state. It is all about some give and take.

Another tidbit… right now is SOOO not the time to get into real estate! I have a good friend whose FH tried for over a year to get into it and did not sell a SINGLE house. In over a year. Did not earn a single dime. NOT ONE. HOWEVER! he also worked PT at a gym in the EVENINGS to help make ends meet, because bills had to get paid and his FH was sooo not paying them all on her own. She told him that if his credit got screwed up b/c HE couldn’t pay HIS own bills, then too F’in bad. Because they were his bills, not hers. He eventually gave up that realtor dream once he realized there was no way to break into that business right now. He ended up getting a job in finance making a decent salary. So even though they take time to figure it out, hopefully he will. Eventually. And don’t pay his bills. They aren’t yours.

It just depends on how long you want to wait. But don’t put your dreams or life on hold for him to work towards something that he wasn’t planning for and didn’t care to do until he lost his job. You called shotgun… so really, it is your turn at the front seat.

Post # 26
Member
59 posts
Worker bee

Of course, only you can truly evaluate this situation & what you need to do–for yourself and your guy.

 But my 2 cents: Depression–situational depression. I’ve never been fired, but there was a time when I quit my job (in a situation where I walked away with my head held high) and chose to "take some time off" for a few months. Sounded like a good plan at first, but it was ROUGH. I lost confidence in myself & my abilities & my plans. I had basically zero motivation.

I know its hard & you have expecations of your own for the first month of your mairriage. And you’re probably disappointed & feel like you’ve already done more than enough by supporting him thus far. But if you are able, I would advocate that you help your husband pick one thing about his life that he can fix. Something that you can both agree is positive progress, so he can have that as a foundation to stand on.

And seek counseling. And once you get those two things in motion, set a deadline for yourself of when you think you should be able to look back and see progress…

Either way: Best of luck to you.

Post # 27
Member
22 posts
Newbee

Sorry to hear that your marriage was born out of turmoil. Try to remember why you got engaged in the first place and see if you can’t work from that. However, a lost job is likely not the hardest thing you will face as a couple.  It sounds to me like he is suffering from some form of depression.  He was fired as an attorney? Why? I can only imagine that he feels great embarrasment over that situation.  He also likely feels very inadequate to provide for you and to hold up his half of the relationship.  His lashing out at you is a classic sign of this.  

Go back to the counselor or rabbi and see if they can help you both put this back together.  This is only a bump in the long road ahead of you.  If you jump to a cut and run solution now, you will never learn to face your problems together as a team. Divorce and seperation should be your ultimate last option after ALL OTHER options have failed. A third party could be invaluable in helping him see a path to a solution, and help him see how used you may feel by the situation. 

Post # 28
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2019

Sooo sorry to hear this.  But IMO I think you should try to hurry up and get an annulment to protect your assests.  I don’t know what state you are in, but here I think that as soon as you are married your property becomes community property and he would have some claim to it.  You may eventually need to pay/buy him out of what you already own.  Like some of the other gals, I highly recommend you to seek a divorce attorney ASAP.  My Fiance is an attorney as well and I read some of your post to him… and totally agrees with me.  In his words, "time is of the essence".  Best of luck.

Post # 29
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

This is so hard… I can absolutely see where you are coming from, you’ve described where you are so clearly- and yet, it’s impossible to see a clear path when you are so close to your problem. In reality, there are most likely many paths available to you, and many destinations.

Do you love your husband? Why did you marry him? Assuming you do love him, how much do you like him right now? Probably not very much…

Yes, he’s not being responsible. He’s taking advantage. And he’s acting in irrational ways that make perfect sense in the context of actions made by someone who is trying to preserve their identity, and their dignity, in the face of a dramatic change to the one (marriage), and blow to the other (his work situation). I think a lot of posters have a point, that losing his job was likely devastating to him. And real estate is a tough business, but it’s likely as much a dream to him as a reality. I know the first few months of my marriage involved some major life and lifestyle changes, and negotiating the new, more future-oriented ideals and realities of our relationship produced plenty of drama… I can only imagine what I wreck I’d be if I had quit my job in the midst of that, much less lost my job in a way and at a time not of my choosing. Recently, my husband had some problems at his own work, and it was even more devastating- I make a bit more than he does, but he constantly feels he had to be "the man" in our relationship by "taking care" of me. It was I who insisted on seperate finances, at least for now. If you don’t have a prenup, a post-nup might be in order. Whereas, he agrees that his bills, his income, and his debts, remain his sole responsibility… and you keep the agreement until otherwise rescinded, which would be at least until his real estate business gets of the ground or you guys have kids and he gives it up to be a full-time caretaker, or some other major life event significantly changes the current situation.

That doesn’t mean you can’t help him- in my husband’s case, I decided if anything happened to him or his job that I could continue paying rent on our 1BR apt., and that by cutting back on eating out I could probably continue to cover food and utilities for us both. If your house is fully yours, can you keep making the payments on your own, and help him out by relieving him of paying rent on something he doesn’t have equity in (though he benefits from the equity you are building, of course)? If you are willing to make some small sacrifices for his dream- paying for basic bills, giving up fast food or maybe the premium cable- perhaps that will help him quantify your support in a way he can understand, and he can match your efforts by working enough hours at Starbucks or wherever to pay his other expenses (student loans, investments in his business, etc.)

Nothing may ever come from it, but at least you’d have made an effort to support him until he figures out a new plan- be it law, teaching, going back to school, what have you- and he can never hold that against you. I doubt you deliberately married a freeloader, and I doubt he is intentionally acting like one. Even without therapy, this may be one thing you can work through… or maybe you won’t. Thus, the importance of asking yourself- do you love him? Or did you really love the life you thought your marriage would provide?

I believe in love, and I believe marriage is as much about work as it is about love. However, you need love to make it work. If you love him, consider couples counselling if your conversation has degraded to the point that you can’t communicate without a neutral 3rd party- don’t go to fix every problem, go to learn how to fight out your problems fairly. And if he’ll consider it, counselling for him isn’t a bad idea either- if nothing else, he needs a plan with a goal he can work for and a realistic path to achieving it. But finally- try to figure out if there is any path you can take that meets his emotional needs, and yours. Maybe it won’t work out, but this seems like a lot of frustration and there’s probably some tiny, self-destructive part of him that is forcing a confrontation… maybe a part of him feels like such a failure that he’s convinced himself it will come to this eventually, and maybe he’s even convinced you. But even though you don’t believe in his dream, is it at all possible for you to meet him halfway by providing enough support that he feels secure and valued but without making you feel threatened about what it all means for the long term?

Post # 30
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I feel your pain. I was married one month ago and we have already spoken to attorneys and are moving forward with a separation. It was my first marriage and I am very emotinally drained and depressed. We dated for four years and EVERYONE told us not to get married. Our fighting would get out of hand…I have gotten to the point where I break things and destroy our home because of the FURY I have in me. He has done an exibortant amount of emotional damage from the past to me and I just can’t get over it….porn and coke and lies. Now that he is porn free and cocaine free, we have bought a beautiful home and his new addiction is CLEANING. If everything isn’t PERFECT he flips out, is very controlling and tells me I brought nothing to the marriage (financially) even though he forced me to sell all my furniture from my apartment and my BMW. I always sleep in the guest bedroom and cry myself to sleep every night. We barely have sex and it is so lame anyway because the porn has done so much damage to him that he is incapable of intimacy. He is very successful and if you saw him on the street you would be shocked because he presents himself so well. I loved him so much but can honestly say I do not love him anymore. Our wedding was beautiful and I am devastated that this cannot be worked on. At this point I don’t even want to see a therapist. Everytime something gets "better" I am reminded of the past somehow and I lose it, or he becomes OCD and we fight like cats and dogs. I have given up hope. I don’t even want to look at his face anymore and I loved this man more than life itself for years.

Post # 31
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I have to apologize and say that this situation sounds awful. And not the kind of situation you had imagined yourself in as a newlywed, right?

I just began my career in Real Estate. I’ve been at it since July and have yet to close any deals. I have one listing, about to get another and have a handful of clients. Once something does come through for me, it’ll be another 2 months before I actually get paid. I work approximately 8 hours a day in Real Estate (and yes, Saturday and Sunday I work 6 hours or more as well) AND I have a part time job to pay the bills. I work about 30 hours a week in Catering. PLUS I’m planning a wedding! I take care of all of my bills (phone, car payment, insurance, student loans, etc.). My fiance has been paying the mortgage until I can bring in more money… so I do all of the cleaning and we split the cooking. That’s the way we worked it out.

I can’t take sides here, but your husband needs to know that the can still bring in the dough and help with the finances while "building his business". He just has to want it! And as of right now, it sounds like he doesn’t. Maybe he’s afraid that by getting a paying gig he’s admitting defeat in his new career choice?

I wish you happiness and a solution that benefits you both.

Cheers, LORETTA* 

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