Post # 1
Bees!! I need some advice….
I got married just 10 months ago and am not sure if this marriage should continue! A few weeks ago my husband and I had a huge argument over him secretly communicating with another woman (texting, private phone calls).
A lot has happened since then. We spent time apart for about two weeks. I found out that during this time he was talking to this other woman daily. Now we’re both back at home (he says he is no longer communicating with her), but staying in different rooms and mostly keeping to ourselves. He says that over the past couple of months he has been feeling as though he gave up a lot of his dreams and goals to get married. He doesn’t know what he wants right now and even said that he doesn’t love me anymore. He is asking for time so he can find out what he truly wants….
I started counseling asap because I dont know how to handle any of this. I’m so confused because I was happy, I didn’t know he was feeling like this! It might sound crazy, but I really don’t want a divorce. However, if he doesn’t want this and if he doesn’t love me, i can’t force him to. I also don’t know what I’m supposed to do while waiting for him to decide whatever. I hate feeling so alone in this house! Also, I dont trust him anymore and if he’s doing this stuff now, what will he be doing years from now if we stay married??
Post # 2
Time & space is for astronauts. Bye.
Post # 3
He said he doesn’t love you and you say you don’t trust him. That is not something that the two of you are going to easily come back from. You’d both have to be extremely devoted to making this work, which at least on his end is clearly not the case.
You know what you have to do. Yes it sucks to be getting divorced after 10 months, but that sure sounds a hell of a lot better than staying in this crappy marriage and divorcing after 5 years of pain and anger. Get out sooner rather than later.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t put up with the request for time and space. He can either stick with the relationship and work for it or the relationship is over. In this case, I’d give him an ultimatum. He can have his space, but you’re not coming back.
Post # 5
If there’s no love and no trust, there’s no reason to continue the marriage. Lawyer up and protect yourself. Sorry you’re going through this bee. *hugs*
Post # 6
Echoing PPs, if he wants space then he can have it – permanently. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I am also dealing with divorce after less than a year of marriage, so I understand what you’re going through. Stay strong!
Post # 7
He doesn’t love you. Don’t stay with him even if he decides he doesn’t want a divorce.
Post # 8
I can understand that getting divorced after such a short time and when you’ve been blindsided is hard. But don’t let yourself be the woman who is so afraid of being alone that she’s fighting to hold on to a relationship with a man who has told her to her face that he does not love her. Do not let this experience trick you into thinking that you can’t deal with this.
Your husband doesn’t love you. It’s time to leave so there can be space in your life for someone who does.
Post # 9
First, I’m so sorry. I was blindsided by my ex husband when I thought we were happy, so I totally get what a shock this is.
Second, if he says he doesn’t love you, why the eff did he marry you? He should be actively working on putting the marriage back together, and if he’s not, I suggest you leave.
No need to be embarassed – this is 100% on him for not communicating, then stepping outside the marriage and then not making any effort to work towards fixing it. He is not worth it. At all. One of the best things someone said to me after my ex and I split was “why were you working your ass off to save something that he didn’t care about?” So true.
Post # 10
Apparently the first year of marriage is the hardest, maybe he needs to harden up and understand that marriage is always going to have its ups and down.
Are you in marriage counselling together?
Post # 11
Post # 12
Other woman aside- I wouldn’t trust someone who asked me to marry them and then only 10 months later said the didn’t love me.
Post # 13
I am sorry you are going through this. It took us about 10 months of constant arguments over small things – I had health issues so that put a lot of strain but for some it takes at least 1-2 years to adjust to the new life. Did you guys live together before marrying or moved straight from living with family?
I do agree with PPs that space and time do not exist in marriage but I think what you need is consistent counselling and continuous effort to make it work for at least another year.
Why don’t you guys set 1 year or at least 6 months as “trying” time and “try” to live like a “married couple” – sleep together, share space, go on romantic date nights at least once a fortnight and then after that time is over, evaluate. Wouldn’t hurt to try imho. After all, you guys married because you love each other right?
For my DH and me, it worked out after about 10+ months. Although no-one cheated or talked to other people in our marriage so it’s a little different but we fought a lot and my DH slept over at his parents’ place for 2 nights in a row (on two different occasions) and blocked me on the phone and social media after a big fight and we said hurtful things to each other during our fights. We had a lot of support from our respective families and friends so after about 10 months to 1 year, we adjusted and learned to understand each other. We don’t fight much anymore and because we don’t fight much, the affection is definitely stronger than when we used to.
My DH did say also that he needed space and break and I said exactly the same thing, “you can have space forever then. And I don’t believe in breaks. If you want a break then break up and divorce”. It was very difficult but we’ve overcome the first year hurdle and it’s not all rosey yet but it’s better. Some are very lucky to have an easy 1 year but I do believe that a lot of people actually go through the “1 year hurdle”. For some it lasts 2 years, depending on how hard both try at making it work. And I do hope you don’t give up on your marriage especially during your first two years.
Post # 14
It looks like that you have feelings for him. But he doesn’t have. Don’t worry about that. Go ahead and start a new life with this thinking that he doesn’t deserve you. If he doesn’t treat you with love and respect, make you happy, make you look forward to waking up in the morning next to him, then you need to hit the road.
Post # 15
I’m sorry you’re going through this bee.
Usually I’m on team no divorce unless there’s been infedelity or abuse, but I don’t know about this one. You don’t deserve someone who isn’t sure if they love you. In my opinion his behavior is pretty inexcusable. Not to mention it shows a pretty low character to not consider what he really wants until after the wedding. If he felt like he was giving up things he didn’t want to for your relationship he shouldn’t have proposed in the first place. Even if he comes around and decides he wants to be in this thing, do you really want a partner who puts so little thought into his decisions?