Post # 16
Sounds to me like you need a leave and cleave marriage counselor. I also think that you should run over to DWIL. Everyone on that forum has gone through some form of this and know exactly what you’re going through and when to walk away.
Post # 17
Thank you all for your input so far. I’ve been thinking about it constantly and soul searching. To clarify, I do not expect him to cut off his entire family (we can still see them/call them individually), but at this point, yes I do think he needs to cut out the one person constantly working against us because she’s been direct in telling him “too bad” about her behavior and the issues it has caused. I’m gonna throw a detail in here for some context (like I said, I left all details out for the sake of time), but during this confrontation, she told him SHE was done with HIM because of me and because he needed to “grow some balls” and quit “crying for me” and then she could deal with him then. And she said until then, he was cut out of her life.
I was shocked….I didn’t know a mother could be capable of such hateful treatment of her own kid, no matter how angry they are. Yes, my husband cares deeply for me, but apparently not enough to say NOPE all these years, or now. Of course, her silence lasted just a few days and she came back around as if nothing happened. And he went to a family gathering like nothing happened. So no, I don’t think the thought of divorce is too far because that’s how much her negativity has affected us, and I know that bringing a child into this is something that I just can’t do, which is how our blowout started when TTC talks came up. He is willing to go to counseling and we have a session set up next week, so we’ll see if we can find some resolution. If she knew the pain we’ve gone through and are still going through, I still don’t think she’d care. I think she’d smirk. I’m sorry for the downer post, I’ve always been positive and joyful but I feel like I have nothing left in me now. I have no fight right now.
Post # 18
Counseling is a good start. Make sure that you are fully honest with your thoughts about divorce. You have to see how your husband responds to the real threat of losing you due to his mother’s behavior and his allowance of it.
Post # 19
His mother sounds like a narcissist.
Only a narcissist would force her son to choose between she and his wife.
Your husband needs individual counselling before the two of you can go to therapy as a couple.
Post # 20
My Mother-In-Law screamed at me, lied about me behind my back, threw rocks at my car, lied constantly, stole thousands of dollars from my husband, became livid when DH bought her a top of the line dishwasher instead of a ring when DH and I got engaged…..I could go on.
DH and I just didn’t care. We were in love, and loved each other so much that none of her antics could penetrate our happiness shield.
I ultimately took care of her when she was diagnosed with dementia, and my name was the last one she could remember before she died. The nastier she was, the less we cared. And fact is, we never gave in. We ignored and ignored and ignored and ignored.
At times she attempted to make me feel unwanted or disrespected, and she just wasn’t successful. I was respected and loved and wanted by a wonderful man. Her idiocies simply had no impact on my life, or the life I was making with my husband. I was dearly loved by all of his family but her, and loved them all in return. And her? I ignored.
Perhaps you are not aware that you are giving her a choice that you might prefer to keep for yourself. She has offered you nothing but her abuse, and you are accepting her offer. If your husband is worth your love, you can make another choice. You can choose to ignore, and that choice can earn you everything and leave her with nothing. Think about it.
Post # 21
Sorry there is no way I would stay married to your husband. Life is too short to be subjected to that kind of abuse. You can’t choose the family you were born into, but you sure as hell can choose the type if husband and family you marry into. It doesn’t matter how “kind” and sweet your husband might have been, if he will not stand up to his mother and protect you from her abusive behavior than you do not have a marriage. The way he rugsweeps her behaviors, pretends nothing happened, and expects you to do the same means he is still tied to his mother’s apron strings and has not actualized as a man yet. The fact that he says he’ll actually put up boundaries with his mother when you have a kid is a crock of shit and a way to get you to shut-up about his laziness and unwillingness to protect you as your husband.
Sorry but I don’t see this marriage working out for you. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but marriage counseling isn’t going to do anything to change your situation because that WANT to change has to come from HIM, and he clearly does not demonstrate that.
Post # 22
I feel really bad for him (and you). I’m glad that you have some counseling set up and, like PP, recommend individual counseling for your DH. If he has been subject to this his whole life it will be hard to change, but counseling can at least be an objective view that he doesn’t have to put up with the abuse. My grandma treats my mom and aunt in a similar way, and they both have refused counseling, and they now have no remaining sisterly relationship because of their mom. I know you are feeling it and speaking up about it, but this really is a huge issue that he needs to figure out between him and his mother. You and your marriage are a potential side casuality, but ultimately he needs to figure out boundaries and learn not to base his self worth on her.
Post # 23
I feel for you both, but I truly think counseling will help both of you. Let us know how that pans out and remember not every counselor works well with every couple, so if you need to try a different one if the first doesn’t work!
Post # 24
It sounds to me like your husband is trying. You said he has confronted her on occasion and he also doesn’t expect you to go to events with her around. It seems like a reasonable compromise to protect you from her behaviours whilst maintaining a relationship with his own family. Unfortunately he cannot force his mother to be nice.
Post # 25
Have you told your husband divorce is on the table?
I think you’re definitely doing the right thing by not TTC. That would just ramp up the crazy to a whole new level. And you know once you had the baby it would be “well it’s fine if you don’t want to go, but I want to take baby to x event”.
Post # 26
Finally someone says a sensible thing about DWIL. I swear some women came on that page with a small problem and left with an even worse problem. There’s a lot of angry , broken up women there looking to add to their numbers. I am not saying OP may not get a divorce in the end but at least she gets to try counselling etc first the sensible way not the DWIL way. I swear everyon eon there has got a pitchfork lol
Post # 27
She sounds like such a hateful person ☹️
Unfortunately bee, I just don’t see this changing. If your husband wanted to stop this, it would be easier to set boundaries or cut her off now without children being involved. His thinking makes no sense at all and is just a delay tactic.
Counselling is worth a shot but I just don’t see much changing in the long term. If you haven’t already, you should let him know that divorce is on the cards.
And yeah, agreed with the other bees about DWIL. You may get really good advice, or really extreme advice.
For now though, if you’re on BC, stay on it.
Post # 28
Your husband needs to see himself and you as a team. You don’t split up the team. Unless his mother can be civil, he shouldn’t see her. Actions have consequences and it’s up to your husband to hold her accountable for her actions. And by holding her responsible I don’t mean arguing about her treatment of you, which is pointless. I mean refusing to tolerate bad behavior under any circumstance, leaving immediately if it starts and declining invitations to visit her if she can’t behave.
Until he does this nothing will change.