Post # 1
Minutes ago, I was informed that my most supportive bridesmaid is thinking of seperating from her husband of 5 years. This crushed me. I thought they had worked everything out, were God loving people and we’re in their marriage for the long wrong. I envied thier marriage, I knew it wasn’t perfect but they made it work, not in a heavily determined way, but gracefully.
Months ago, another bridesmaid, that offered me the honor of being a bridesmaid in her wedding, told me that she was seeing another guy and leaving her husband after just one year. She kept this secret from me for months apparently because she wanted to move out before she said anything. She wanted her single life back.
My sister, who is my Maid/Matron of Honor, is also in and out of her relationship with her husband. Right now they seem to have worked things out because she now has a full time job and she gets to have a life outside of being just a wife, which I think she really needs to feel valuable. Yet, if they have a big fight, usually over little things, its a huge threat on thier marriage.
All of this negativity is affecting me. Currently, I dont live with my fiance, but we are looking to move in together soon, preferably 3 months before the wedding. I know things will be different when we are locked in one house together, but I am scared that I’ll end up hating him and becoming like my bridesmaids. And it really doesn’t help that I come from a divorce home. (His parents are still together)
We’ve been together for 5 years. I don’t do important things without consulting with him, we have traveled everywhere together, and we spend 4 days out the week together. HE truly is my bestfriend. Is this enough to assure me that we can make it? Do I have enough experience to guage that our marriage will work?
Help me bees?
Post # 3
Clearly no one goes into a marriage thinking it will fail. While it is natural to worry about that, you can’t take the relationships around you as indicators of your own.
If you really are worried, why not go through some pre-marital counseling? If you’re having a religious ceremony, many institutions require it, or at least have suggested counselors. If you are going to a JOP, I’m sure you’ll still be able to find a counselor who will do a few sessions. Many times divorce happens because you haven’t fully fleshed out serious issues prior to marriage – money, property, kids, etc. Counselors will bring these issues up in a neutral environment and allow you both to state your preferences, and come to a consensus.
Post # 4
I’m sorry, honey. My Maid/Matron of Honor is going through the same thing, actually. She’s been engaged for a while, and they had to keep pushing back their wedding. They finally started really planning, but then her FI’s siblings decided to divorce (and told them at Christmas!), so now it’s back on hold.
This is why I refuse to marry someone I haven’t lived with first. I lived with both of my exes and knew that it wasn’t going to work out. I’ve lived with my Fiance for two and a half years and it’s been great. Other than that, I agree that you two NEED to be on the same page about the big issues. Fiance and I just flat out talk about stuff, no beating around the bush. It’s really helped.
Post # 5
@Miss Moxy: I was in a similar situation a few months ago when it seemed like everyone I knew was getting divorced or breaking up (in long term relationships). My parents are divorced. My SO is divorced.
You just have to remember that your relationships aren’t the same.
You can’t totally divorce proof a marriage, but it’s important to give each other space to pursue your own interests, and to make sure neither of you let yourselves go. Keep doing the date nights and looking nice for one another etc. It’s little things that go a long way. Just try to focus on your own relationship.
It’s hard not to have some concerns or doubts going into a marriage, but it’s not like there’s something in the water that’s ruining relationships.
Post # 6
No one knows what the future holds, and I think it’s kind of pointless to worry that your marriage is going to fail simply because other people’s marriages are failing. A better use of your time and emotional energy is to actually talk to your partner. Let him know that it troubles you to see other couples in trouble, and actually discuss what you might do if you find yourselves in trouble too. This doesn’t mean you’re making a plan for failure; rather, you’re discussing how you’d handle the road ahead, and is no different than you and your partner making plans for other challenges (i.e. “I know we want to have our kitchen redone, but before we hire the contractor, let’s figure out how we’re going to feed ourselves for 6 weeks without a kitchen.”)
I think one problem many couples inflict on themselves is not wanting to talk about conflict. They think it’s “too negative” to discuss how they’d handle conflict, and then when there is a problem, they’re not equipped to communicate about it.
I don’t think you actually have to have a step-by-step plan; you don’t need to get that detailed. But a simple, frank discussion so you can learn each other’s tolerance for conflict, resolution style, and comfort level with tools like counseling, prenups, and such is a good start.
Also you need to acknowledge when you as a couple handle a difficult situation gracefully. As an example, Darling Husband and I had some debt to struggle with, a few years ago, before we were married. We acknowledged the debt, discussed together where we could cut back, and made a plan, and after that discussion I told him “I’m really glad we could get through that as a team, because so many couples fight over money. We should handle all our problems this way!” I think reinforcing the good behaviors and accomplishments is key.
Post # 7
Marriage(or any relationship) is definitely not how it used to be. I find a lot of people are not willing to work on relationships and marriages anymore. They take work.
I think there is also a serious lack of communication in relationships as well. I see it everyday, people do not know how to communicate with each other.
I think finances are a HUGE issue in most relationships. Money can tear any couple apart.
i find a lot of people are less tolerant of Of the other person and are not willing to accept their differences. That is why I strongly believe you should live with someone at least a year before deciding on marriage, I also think you should share finances to before marriage. Things are different then when our parents/grandparents were married, when the man was the breadwinner, and the woman was the housewife. Their roles were set and that was that.
Life is too fast these days, and people aren’t willing to put forth the effort! Maybe people are more selfish these days. Maybe their expectations are too high?
Post # 8
It has nothing to do with experience. It has to do with committment. Each one of those relationships is experiencing a failure of one or both partners to fully commit. If you can fully commit to your partner and to making it work, and he can do the same, it WILL work. Absent addictions or abuse, marriages only fail when one partner chooses to let them fail.
Post # 9
Your friend who just “wants her single life back” is probably not telling the whole truth. And that should be fine if she doesn’t want to get into it with you while you’re prepping for YOUR big day. Breakups and divorces happen, it’s a part of life. That doesn’t mean it has to be a part of yours anymore. Hell, I’m divorced and I had many reservations about geting re-married so quickly.
@RockStar33: Yes, divorce is a cop-out in some cases where the couple is unwilling or unable to work through problems, but not always. Sometimes it’s for the best for everyone involved.
Post # 10
I completely understand, marriage these days is such a scary thing. I sometimes worry because my FI’s mom is on her 3rd marriage and its a very unhappy one. It has obviously affected Fiance and his view of marriage. My parents on the other hand are coming on 30 years so I know a good Christain marriage can work through anything. No one can tell you whether or not you will get divorced but I do think its important for you to talk to ur Fiance and find out his view on divorce. Since Fiance and I went through premarital counseling at our church I feel like we are finally on the same page with divorce. We both agree that its not an option for us. We both only have one thing that would cause divorce. His is cheating and mine is physical abuse. But knowing eachother the way that we do we know that those things will never be an issue. Everything else that might come up will be things that we will get through together and with the help of God and if necessary counseling. We will be moving in together next week in our new house and it will be a big change but its only 4 months until the wedding and we are both really excited. (think 25 yrd old man shopping on his own for washers & dryers excited haha) But if I were you I would just look at everything going on around you, talk to your Fiance about it and use their experiences as learning tools for your future marriage. 🙂 Good luck!!
Post # 11
@Miss Moxy: Your relationship is not that of your friends’. Statistically, there will be divorce around you. Interestingly, those who are more religious have a higher rate of divorce than nonreligious-athiest, so your friends being “God loving people” actually isn’t an indicator of them making it through all odds.
Hold tight to your relationship, keep the communication lines open, and love him as best you can. That’s all anyone can really ask 🙂
Post # 12
@Miss Moxy: How old are your friends? Unfortunately, I think it’s common for many couples who married in their early or mid 20s to get divorced. You’re still finding yourself and both people need to grow together through all the changes or else you grow apart. Like your one gf who wants to be single again. Don’t let that get you down. If you and your Fiance are committed, you will make it work. Plus there’s no sense in worrying about divorce before you’re even married yet. Like another PP said, no one went into the marriage thinking they would get divorced.
Post # 13
Everyone here keeps tell me no one goes into marriage thinking about divorce. Well, I am a little more realistic about things. Like when I get in a car, there may be a chance I will end up in a car crash. That doesn’t stop me from traveling, I just know things can happen and what I can do to prevent or survive. I dont think I will get divorced. My fiance is dead set on the long haul.
The first person I turned to about this issue was him. He’s very optimistic we will work out because we’ve been through alot of tough times, alot worse than divorce, and have made it out on the other side loving each other more. I just don’t want to get stuck in the mundane. I like how one PP advised the date nights and looking nice, like as if we were still dating. I think that will keep us together.
My fiance is a stable minded guy…..I am not. I am erratic, creative and an over thinker. So when it comes to discussing big issues, today I may think and feel one thing and totally change in a year. So I think not just talking about the issues before we get married but to keep talking about them will help us stay together for a lifetime.
Thank you all for getting my mind on track about things, reading the responses has made me feel better about my impending marriage. They also helped form my own reasonable conclusions.
Post # 14
@Miss Moxy: Have you talked about any of this with you FI? Because I’ve also been with my boyfriend for 5 years (we’ve lived together for 2.5 years, so that’s helped ease my mind that we’ll be fine with the living situation once we’re married), but if you are upset or concerned about your own relationship, I’d confide these feelings with him. It IS jarring to see everyone around you break up, or to see relationships that seemed otherwise strong and stable suddenly break down. When this has happened to our friends, my boyfriend and I have talked honestly about why/how this will never happen to us (because we’re best friends, because we deeply love and respect each other for who we are, because we know we’ve lucked out finding each other, we always discuss any issues calmly and we communicate well, etc). The only person who can truly give you an assurance that this will not happen to your relationship is your Fiance.
As far as living together, everyone has different opinions on its value and impact on a marriage. I personally have loved living with my boyfriend, it’s made us so much closer to have a daily life together. It IS a big change, and change can be scary, but I wouldn’t look at it in terms of being “locked” in a house together. Instead, look at its potential to become closer as a couple, to genuinely start laying the foundation for your marriage. I think the three months before a wedding — whether you’re living together or not — can be a stressful time, but I wouldn’t take it as a sign that your relationship can’t make it. You probably will be exposed to some of his flaws that you maybe didn’t see before (my boyfriend refuses to run the dishwasher until every. last. fork. is in it and it drives me nuts!) but there is nothing that compares to waking up each morning next to the love of your life. Living together has ultimately made me much more appreciative of my boyfriend and of our relationship and many of my friends who have lived with their bf’s beforehand have felt the same. Good luck and congrats on your engagement!
Post # 15
The first friend is turning 30, she got married at 25.
The second was 26 when she got married.
My sister was 22 when she got married, after they had my niece.
I am 29 going on 30 in October and my fiance will be 28 in August. I think we are passed finding out who we are. We embrace our differences. He is strongest where I am weakest and vice versa.
My fiance’s family is very catholic, and I would say about out of the ones that are/were married, 10% got divorced. When my mother lost her faith in god, she left my father. So I really dont think it has to do with religion.
Thank you for the advice….especially about learning from other people’s mistakes. I always forget that!
While I am all for gender and sex equality, I am more comfortable, in my life, with the traditional roles. Thats how I was raised and fighting it is impossible. I do plan on working part time, but my full time job will be as a house wife. And he agrees that he is just not capable of being a house husband….and that he’s a bad cook!
Post # 16
@crayfish: What an interesting stat, I’d never heard of that.
@Jewelieee: I agree thatdivorce in your 20’s is much higher.
@Miss Moxy: Read any book from John Gottman. He’s done tons of research on how to help keep marriage on the righttrack. One of the simplest that people don’t think about is the 3 to 1 ratio of good to bad interactions. That means say thank you for taking out the trash, or little hug as you pass in the hall way. All these little gestures really make a difference.