(Closed) Divorce?? :( Please I need Advice.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
1488 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Catgal3:  I understand the cycle of abuse. And my anger is directed at humanity, not just the woman. in this case though, she hasn’t even known him for that long, she has no kids with him, etc. it’s her brother’s friend for christ’s sake. I just don’t get it. Particularly from women (and I’m not saying this is the OP’s situation) who grew up with a “normal” supportive family. I have a friend who fell prey to this who was gorgeous, smart, had a career, had a loving family (as far as I knew) and STILL.

These men don’t deserve to be loved (unless they change their act), they don’t deserve to procreate. I wish there wasn’t a “demand” for men like this. In other words, I wish that men like this  weren’t capable of passing along their genes and misery bc no woman would sleep wih them. I know that’s unrealistic. I’ve just never encountered so many stories like this until I joined the Bee. It’s made me so frustrated.

OP, I’m sorry if I hurt or offended, I think I just need to not read these stories anymore, let alone comment on them. There are plenty of other Bees willing to give support and fight the good fight. I’ve tapped out.

Post # 63
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

This will not end well if you stay. You need to leave now.

Post # 64
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Really, what did you think the result of marrying a perfect stranger after ignoring blatent red flags would be? 

Get out now and for the love of God, THINK next time, before you leap!

Post # 65
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

He’s not a good guy; he’s an abuser. He choked you out, throws things at you, threatens to kill you?!?!? You say he never hurt you, but it looks like what you mean is he’s not yet caused permanent damage. You deserve better, you deserve at the very least to be safe in your relationship. Please contact a woman’s shelter or hotline or at least read online about how to leave an abusive relationship safely. Stay with relatives or friends and let them know he is not to be let into the house under any circumstances. If he comes while they’re out, don’t answer the door and be sure to have a phone in hand in case he breaks in and you need to call 911. Seriously.

Be safe.

Post # 66
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

He is NOT a good man. He is an abusive a-hole. Leave him NOW.

Post # 67
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@musicalrose:  The last thing this woman needs right now is someone blasting her for her decision.. you cant change what she did in the past.. this statement was very uncalled for.. you can express your opinion without being rude.

Post # 68
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You are being abused.

Leave now.

And yes, you should get a divorce.

Post # 69
Member
4554 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

please get out now. He is not a nice guy. A nice guy doesn’t hit or throw things at you, nor do they threaten to kill you and slit your throat.

Abusive people will start off aiming lower levels of violence at their victim. They condition their victims and increase their level of violence as time goes on.

Please get out….. I personally know of two women who were murdered by their husbands. I am certain they never thought that domestic violence would  lead them to be carried out of their homes in a black body bag. One was stabbed and the other bludgeoned to death. I’m sure thier husbands started out doing similar things your husband is doing to you.

Please take care of yourself and confide in your family….they will help you.

Post # 70
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@sept22insf:  Intermittent reinforcement. The guy isn’t abusive 100% of the time, and the times that he’s loving and affectionate are all the more stronger because the partner doesn’t know when they’ll happen and because she was deprived of them for some time (kind of like food to a starving person).  Think of it like a slot machine at a casino. People know that the slot machine may not pay off, but they keep pulling that lever anyway because sometimes it pays off and when it does it’s awesome.

Also, the abuser is so good at manipulating the partner and minimizing the abuse that she starts to think that she’s crazy, she’s imagining things, maybe she really did say something or do something that she shouldn’t have and if she hadn’t done that he wouldn’t have abused her. 

Post # 71
Member
3089 posts
Sugar bee

Look at all the serial killers, murderers, abusers or anyone who has a history of committing crime and I guarantee that you will always find someone who still has at least one thing nice to say about the person.

You have to remember that he is a sum of his whole. – the good parts and the bad parts.  Stop focusing on the fact that some of his qualities are good because he is also the same man who has threatened to kill you.  Do not dissect him.  It’s all him and if you stick around waiting for the good part to eventually show after the horrid  parts, then you chose a very miserable and unstable life.  Get out while you can and while you dont have a bunch of kids with the man.

Post # 72
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Agreeing with other people (honestly didn’t even need to read beyond the seond reply – and neither should you) GET OUT. NOW. Good guy and abusive/threatning do not go together. At all. 

Post # 73
Member
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@gsu02olliff:  If not sugar-coating something to the point of it being saccharin is being rude, my apologies to to the OP.

Perhaps I’m not coddling her because I’ve been too close to a situation very similar to what she is expressing and I know that it takes a swift kick for many people to understand that the way this man is acting towards her is not ok. It’s not ever going to be ok. He’s not going to miraculously get better and if she keeps excusing his behavior and lamenting “Oh, but I still love him” he will eventually harm her to the point where she won’t recover whether emotionally, physically or both.

I had a neighbor my first year of university. She was great, except on nights when her beau, Doc, stopped by on his way home from the bar. I would hear them yelling through my kitchen wall and eventually, usually, I would call the police to break it up. They’d come, Doc would apologize but whenever they’d ask if she wanted to press charges, he’d get all lovey-dovey. She couldn’t have “her love” arrested. That scenerio kept up for several months until she finally had to move out. Why? Because we were living on the second story in an six-plex with no elevator and after Doc pushed her down the stairs and broke her spine, she was going to be spending the rest of her life in a wheelchair. I saw her recently and she is begging for change on Princess St, downtown Kingston, Ontario. Not the life she’d planned for and personally it breaks my heart that no one was able to get her to understand he was an abusive, controlling and mean-hearted man. You spend the rest of your life wondering…if I had been more firm, maybe I could have made her understand. If I had tried harder? If I had intervened more? If…..? 

I don’t want to be rude to the OP but she needs to understand that she should have taken note of the redflags apparent in their quick courtship. Perhaps, she didn’t see them then, but they’re neon red now! She can’t ignore them and pretend like things are fine. This man is a monster; always has been and always will be. It sucks to realize a dream has decended in to a nightmare so quickly but the sooner she owns that, the sooner she’ll be able to escape from this abuse and move on. Hopefully to find someone who will treat her right. 

To the OP: I’m sorry. Posts like this get me emotional to the point of distress. I didn’t want to come off as rude, short or bitchy. But you need to abort this union and save yourself from a situation that could cost you everything. 

 

Post # 74
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh yes he really sounds like a good guy.

Wake up and get out before you get pregnant. It would be a crime to bring children into this mess. I’m sorry to be so blunt but you haven’t exhibited an ounce of sense in staying with this man. Get your life together while you still have one.

Post # 75
Member
11194 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@zerlina:  

This.  Exactly.

Post # 76
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This man does not want to love you, he wants to own you. He will kill you if you stay. Please leave him, walk out the door. unfortunately, with abusers like this man, if you don’t leave my your own two feet, you will leave eventually. 

In a body bag.

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