(Closed) Divorce question…

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Should you get a divorce if you no longer love your spouse?
    Yes : (108 votes)
    53 %
    No : (95 votes)
    47 %
  • Post # 33
    Member
    2948 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 1998

    That a tough question because I could never imagine not loving my SO. 

    Post # 34
    Member
    10650 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: January 2011

    I don’t think it’s simple.  You don’t stop loving your spouse for no reason.  What is that reason?

    If a couple has grown apart, I think they should both put in the effort to fall in love with each other again.

    Post # 35
    Member
    187 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    @Nona99:  Fail. I stopped “feeling it” when my XH cheated on me and threw me down some stairs. That wasn’t the kind of “for better or worse” I bargained for, and it made me stop loving him. And while my behavior wasn’t always the best, NO ONE deserves abuse, and I surely never invited him to cheat. 

     

    I only became complacent and began to neglect my marriage when it became obvious that he was no longer interested in honoring his vows. I’ve learned from my last marriage and refuse to repeat my mistakes in my next one. Of course, it helps that my Fiance would never lay a hand on me or cheat. 

    Post # 36
    Member
    304 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    @bebero:  +1.

    Post # 38
    Member
    723 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Bookmarked. Interesting discussion!

    Post # 39
    Member
    13095 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    No – marriages take work.  Love takes work.  It is an active choice that we make every day.  Love isn’t just the butterflies and roses and unicorns infatuation.  It is so much more than that.

    IMO there are going to be times in every marriage where you’re in a rough patch.  But you work through it because that is what you vowed to do.  For better or for worse.  Your life and marriage isn’t going to be “better” 100% of the time.  Don’t just throw it away because you’re going through a low point.  Work to come out the other side together.

    Post # 40
    Member
    979 posts
    Busy bee

    I said yes….there are more and deeper issues that just not being “in love” with someone when it comes to divorce – that can’t be fixed after counseling and marriage being worked on after a long period of time.  Loving someone and being in love with them are 2 different things.  I’m not going to discuss my entire marriage/divorce situation – but after years of being divorced, I still “love” my x, because he’s the father of my children.   

    No one can judge our decision unless they’ve been in our house 24/7 for all the years we were married, not even a counselor.  It was “our” decision to end our marriage, no one elses.  It was us who judged our marriage and decision based on our own issues. 

    ETA:  Take my sister for example:  She has marriage problems for years…miserable bitch, constantly bitching about her marriage and husband, but working on her marriage…”learning to be happy”, but still  miserable, day in and day out.  she’s never happy. I refuse to “learn to be happy” in life and with the person i’m with.  I just want to be happy, and want my kids to see me “naturally happy”, not teaching them to “learn to be happy with what you have”.   Simple as that.  
     

    Post # 41
    Member
    752 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    If every possible avenue has been exhausted and you’ve tried absolutely EVERYTHING to make it work and nothing has, then yes, divorce is definitely an option. Why stay somewhere that you are both completely miserable? 

    My parents should have been divorced ages ago. I always wished they would when I was a kid. They tried to make it work, but it’s clearly not. And yet still here they are today, together. If there’s one thing people should never do, it’s “stay together for the kids”. If the kids are the only reason you’re together then just leave. 

    Post # 42
    Member
    1069 posts
    Bumble bee

    It really depends on the situation. When I left my ex I wasn’t in love with him (I’m not sure if I ever was actually) but I did love him… not in a romantic way and definitely not the way you should love a spouse, but there was love there. There’s so many factors to consider before opting to divorce. Maybe you just need to reconnect, or try counselling, or maybe you have some stressors in your life that are causing you to feel that way.

    Post # 43
    Member
    11462 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    No.  Some prior posters already made such excellent points why:

    @ferdie224: 

    “I think in this day and age we very much live in a disposable culture, where if something is broken you throw it out and get a new one.  I don’t think it used to be that way.  With marriage, I think you’re supposed to figure out BEFORE you get engaged whether or not you like this person enough to commit to make it work when you’re not necessarily “in love,” and love them enough to commit to make it work when you’re not sure you like them.  Because marriage is a looooong journey (or at least it’s supposed to be) and there will be times when you’re not in love with each other, and times when you aren’t even really sure you like each other.  But marriage is a partnership, much like a business.

    THIS.

    @Mrs.KMM: 

    “No – marriages take work.  Love takes work.  It is an active choice that we make every day.  Love isn’t just the butterflies and roses and unicorns infatuation.  It is so much more than that.

    IMO there are going to be times in every marriage where you’re in a rough patch.  But you work through it because that is what you vowed to do.  For better or for worse.  Your life and marriage isn’t going to be “better” 100% of the time.  Don’t just throw it away because you’re going through a low point.  Work to come out the other side together.”

    And THIS.

     

     

    Post # 44
    Member
    9951 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Good Question.

    But to be totally honest… I think most of the Oldtimers (Encore Brides) on this site would tell you that LOVE & MARRIAGE is waaay more complex than any of us ever thought going into it the first time

    So naturally, you are going to get a totally different set of replies from the first time round Engaged or Newlywed Ladies

    It is VERY VERY EASY to say…

    “If this doesn’t work out… or I don’t like stuff he does… or I’m not feeling like I am his number 1 reason for living… then I’m so outta there and getting a Divorce”

    In reality…

    All this stuff we see here on WBee… the “ah sucks moments”… the Anticipation, the Proposal, the Engagement, the Wedding Planning… the sweetness of a Wedding Day, the romance of a Honeymoon… the buying a first house, moving in, going TTC, getting pregnant, having babies…

    For better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health adds up over time.

    And no matter how disheartening it is to see a gal here have an emotional melt-down about breaking off an Engagement

    It is a zillion times worse to end a marriage

    So falling out of love… just isn’t a good enough reason for most folks, when they actually are in the situation themselves

    Because in reality, they haven’t fallen out of love at all… they still have oodles of history, and memories, etc.  What has happened is that love has changed for them

    So the only thing harder than getting a Divorce when you’ve fallen out of love…

    Is the hard cold pain of filing for one when you still are in love

    And there are more of those cases than you can imagine

    As an Abused Woman… I have had to do that.  It is a killer.  I LOVED my Hubby (and my family, and the life we built) very very much

    So pulling the plug on all that was horrific

    I just couldn’t LIVE with him any more… 

    As I used to say to my kids when they were little and had done something wrong… when they’d say “Mommy you don’t love me anymore?”

    “No honey, Mommy will ALWAYS Love you… she just doesn’t particularly LIKE what you are doing right now”

    There were certainly times I DIDN’T LIKE my Ex-Hubby… even days I’d have to say I outright HATED him

    BUT… I NEVER STOPPED LOVING HIM

    And there in lies the pain, and the true quandry of Divorce

    Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 45
    Member
    1309 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    @bebero:  I know I’m not the boss of the world and am glad of it! 😉 That would be a lot of work. I’m not saying divorce shouldn’t exist, I’m just saying that marriage should mean forever. It’s ok to date long term if people don’t believe in forever relationships. It doesn’t mean the relationship is less real.

    I think when people treat it as kind of a last stage of dating… where the breakup requires legal paperwork instead of just saying “I’m leaving.” that’s where the problem is.

    Post # 46
    Member
    2555 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @Magdalena:  I don’t agree, nor do I think anyone has the right to say what marriage “should” mean. Marriage is personal and each of us give it the meaning we want. I don’t see a problem with anybody treating marriage as the last stage of dating, cause it’s their life, not mine. Anything between consenting adults is not wrong and none of anybody’s business.

    The topic ‘Divorce question…’ is closed to new replies.

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