Post # 1
So this is a spin off of another post that talks about divorce. It got me thinking: why is it that more people are getting divorced in the recent, oh say, a couple of decades compared to back in the good-ol’ days?
Are we pickier? Spoiled? Impatient?
I honestly believe that one of the reasons why people divorce more now than then is because divorce is not as taboo as it used to be – so those that are unhappy in their marriages don’t feel like their friends/family will mentally stone them for the “horror” that they have committed. But, the old-fashioned side of me also thinks that there is something about our generation….Like we are much more demanding and focused on instant gratification that we have completely forgotten how to sacrifice. Even a little. We’re raised on the premise that we can always find better. I’m not sure though.
I’d love to hear you guys’ thoughts on this.
Post # 3
@Mimoza: what i noticed (even on the threads) is the first response to anything is just leave. at 23 i kno that it is not something u should hastily do wen things go wrong. ppl change situations change and life changes us which is okay but u hav to learn to make the adjustment. u hav to remember ur vows. im nt saying stay in an abusive situation but u shouldnt run wen times get hard
Post # 4
I think it’s a mix of reasons… I do think it’s more socially acceptable to be divorced now. I wanted to leave my husband for a while but I worked with a lot of older women who looked down on it. It wasn’t until I started working with a lot of divorced women that I really realised that I could leave and be ok.
I also think that we are less likely to settle/sacrifice now than maybe 20/30 years ago. I felt like I deserved better and deserved to be happy and went for it.
Another thing.. my parents have been married 30 years and my mom has never worked. I’ve always had a good job and worked hard so I knew that financially I could always stand on my own two feet. I think that has a lot to do with it too.
Post # 5
I think you’re right about it not being taboo. But I also think that as women have become more and more independent and self-reliant, they realize they don’t HAVE to stay in a shitty situation. They can leave and still make it on their own, whereas back in the 50s and 60s, my grandmother was a housewife who never finished school (she only got to proabably 6th grade) and had 5 children. She was sort of “stuck” in her situation.
I’m not advocating divorce because times get tough. However, having gone through a marriage where I had a cheating ex, I know that life is too short to be miserable. And I tried to get it to work. I went to marriage counseling for a year and a half. Read all of the love language and “how to survive an affair” books. But he continued to have inappropriate friendships with women (and cheated again), and honestly, I just couldn’t recover from the initial affair. If you don’t have trust, you have nothing. And I simply didn’t trust him. And in my case, he was a professional musician who traveled a lot, and opportunity was always in his face. Many women just don’t care that men are married. And likewise, my ex didn’t care that he was married either.
Post # 6
@babypearls: I notice that too. Of course, there is always three sides to a story and we are only getting one so as an observer it’s easy to say “I would never stay in that situation!” but life isn’t that black and white.
@givemecouture: I agree with you. And I’m sorry you were unhappy for a while – but it shows character that you took your time and thought things through before making a big decision like that.
@GFerg: Definitely – education has played a big part also. It’s true that back then, women usually married earlier, and therefore had limited education. Getting married was probably the only way they could secure a roof over their head and food on their table. Now-a-days, we have choices because people have evolved and we understand the equality of man/woman. Also, I’m really sorry you were cheated on – that happened to me also but I wasn’t in a completelly serious relationship so I can only partially relate. I am glad you found someone who deserves you though!
In general, I am strongly against divorce in the cases of pure brattyness. However, abusive (both mentally and physically) relationships that are toxic should be exited because it is not healthy or right for anyone to endure that.
Post # 7
@Mimoza: IMO divorce rates go up as the focus shifts from society to the individual. You will find that countries where ‘society’ is way more important than ‘individuals’ – like India, Bangladesh, the middle east etc. report far lower rates of divorce. The reason is that in those countries maintaining the ‘family unit’ for the sake of the children/parents/relatives/neighbours/random guy on the street is more important than the happiness of the people involved in the marriage. On the other hand, there are societies in which the focus is the individual and if the persons involved in the union aren’t happy, they are encouraged to find happiness elsewhere. You will find that the happiness quotient of people who belong to countries with low divorce rates is quite low. Lower divorce simply doesn’t translate into happier marriages.
@babypearls: Maybe the reason why they are asked to leave (usually given by mature women with experience) is because the people who advise know that life is too precious to be wasted being unhappy with a person who isn’t right for them. I personally find no merit in desperately holding on to each other in an unhealthy relationship that isn’t contributing positively to their lives.
Post # 8
Divorce was not a socially acceptable option before. You were expected to be miserable and stuck in an unhealthy marriage instead of being able to cut ties and start new.
I think implying that it’s “impatience” or being “spoiled” that is causing the uptick is very shortsighted and pretty offensive. And i’ve not even gotten a divorce!
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I think the number one factor is access to divorce. A lot of unhappy people used to stay married because of social stigma, and that’s really not a healthy situation. Although it seems like a bad thing that divorce rates are up, if that means that people aren’t living in unhappy marriages and subjecting their children to the kinds of households that often causes to develop, then I’m all for it. It used ot be really hard for a beaten woman, for instance, to get out of a bad marriage. And divorce can be justified in much less extreme situations. If everyone is clearly unhappy and things are clearly not going to change, how is it good for those people, that family, or society for those two individuals to stay married?
Post # 10
People used to work very hard at making things work and wouldn’t give up when times got tough. Not always the case now but I do believe that a lot of people just give up before even really trying to fix things. It’s easier to just leave and assume you’ll find happiness elsewhere than to fix things.
Post # 11
I think that accessibility is probably the #1 reason. And, the second is the change in priorities as time goes on. We’re getting more and more egocentric as we go forward. It’s all about “me, me, me” and if whoever you’re with isn’t with you, they’re against you.
Post # 13
@Aquababes: Oh and I never said that lower divorce rates = happier people. That’s not a fair comparison at all. I completely agree with you – most western modernized societies focus on the individual rather than the family unit. And I see it and somewhat I agree with it. But only to a certain extent. There has to be a balance you know?
Private story: My parents have been married 25 years. They came to the US in 2002 from one of those countries in eastern europe that divorce rate is super low. Men cheating rate? Super high. Either way, women don’t stay because they like to be abused, most of them aren’t abused, but the ones that are only a little unhappy – like, husband doesn’t touch me anymore, or husband doesn’t do any chores, or he never takes the kids anywhere, bla bla bla – they think beyond themselves. This was 10 years ago – things have changed a little now. Back to my parents – they went through hell when they came here. I heard them screaming every night, my mom cried every day for 3 years and my dad was never in a good mood. I honestly wanted them to get divorced because it was driving me crazy and i didn’t know wether to smile or cry in the house. Fastforward to now – they are as happy as they used to be before they came here and they’ve been like this since around 2005. Now, I ask myself – what would I have done in those three years of utter confusion? I would have been away from my family, away from my friends that i’d known for 40 years, away from my job, my reputation, and working in a sweatshop. Yet they stayed. Would I have done that? would anyone my age?
Sorry; long. I know.
Post # 14
@crayfish: I was simply asking a question and putting hypothetical options out there that are just generalizations, if you read the rest of my post you might want to change your tone and not be offended.
Post # 15
@mnp: Yeah. It’s good and bad. It’s good that we are focusing on ourselves and seeing beyond society’s stigmas, but its also bad in some ways.
@mrsSonthebeach: Agree completely.
@Birdee106: true. that goes back to my original question. why are some (perhaps most) of us so impatient?
People back then had LOYALTIES: to their jobs, to their friends, to their spouses. Now that is fleeting.
I wonder how it will be 50 years from now..and if we will react to the changes the same way our grandparents are reacting right now.
Post # 16
@Aquababes: every situation is diff but ive been in my share of bad relationships and not every situation is cured with a ticket home. i DO believe if u r mentally or physically dying in a relationship and hav given it ur all then of course u should leave!
EX: my grandma left my grandfather a long long long (did i say long) time ago and turned even more bitter and angry but on the other side my SO was in a bad relationship for 7yrs and tried everything to fix it and it got to a very low point of depression… so its def a case by case scenario but u should try wen that doesnt work by all means walk away.