(Closed) Divorced family: dreading bridal showers, bachelorette, etc!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 4
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I understand where you’re coming from – I have the similar divorced 20+ years situation with my family minus all the plot thickening.  It was a very bitter divorce. 

Every time I start to get nervous about it, especially considering these events will have alcohol involved, I remind myself that my parents are adults and realize the importance of these events to me and will hopefully behave themselves.  Also, even though your FI’s family won’t serve as a buffer, hopefully the other family members will (your mom will have her friends/family there, as will your dad). 

I understand your concerns but I guess I don’t have any real advice.  I’m just trying to do my best not to worry about them since I can’t control what happens and it only stresses me out. 

Post # 5
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

If it’s any consolation, they are probably dreading parts of the celebration too.  I’m a stepmother.  My ex-husband has alro remarried and so my kids have a stepmother.  While I can’t say that our situation is quite as difficult as yours (everyone involved was single for a while before meeting the new spouses), I would think while things may be a bit awkward in spots, it will likely be ok.  I personally dread occasions where I must interact with my husband’s ex or with my ex-husbands new wife, but I go and am pleasant and suck it up for the kids. 

Everyone involved loves you.  Everyone also knows that the wedding, showers, etc. are about YOU and your Fiance…not about them and their issues.  If they are all old enough to have children/stepchildren that are marrying, they are likely grown-up enough to put their differences away temporarily for your sake.  Now, I can’t say your mom and stepmom are going to be chatting each other up at your shower, but unless you have reason to believe othewise, they will likely  just each keep to themselves and let the focus be on you.  Yes, it will be awkward for them, but think of them all going along and getting along as part of their gift to you.

Post # 6
Member
690 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I am in a very similar situation. My brothers and my friends are looking to help run interference for me if things get too awkward. None of them want my weird family situation to ruin my day for me like it ruined family/school events in my childhood. I would just try not to think about it and behave as if everything is fina and above-board. Or “Fake it til you make it.” Freaking out will only make the situation worse.

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

DH’s parents were divorced when he was very young and there’s a fair amount of bad feelings still there (mostly on my MILs side) and for the most part they try to avoid each other. When it came time to deal with all the other parties, etc and who would be present, I sat down with my Mother-In-Law and told her that I wasn’t going to ask anyone to hold hands and be BFF, but that they needed to set aside their differences for a few hours for Darling Husband and I, and just breathe the same air for a few hours. Really, out of all the time in your life, a few hours of focussing on Darling Husband and myself’s happiness and future rather than the past and negativity shouldn’t be the end of the world. I think she was a little shocked, but you know what? It worked. Everything was fine. Granted your situation is a heck of a lot more complicated, but I think if you speak to the people you think might cause some drama it’ll really help.

Post # 8
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Your story sounds like I wrote it!!  I’m 27, my mom and dad have been in the same vicinity together only once in the last 23 years…my sister’s graduation.  It was soooo awkward!!   Very bitter divorce, with a LOT of hate talk back and forth between the two of them to me and my sisters.  I am petrified for my wedding, it will be the first time everyone’s been together…in over 20 years!  My mother has assured me that she is fine, and it won’t be awkward for her at all.  My stepmother has shown some nervousness and concern about the fact that almost ALL of the guests at the wedding will be from mom’s side.  My dad said “I dont want to go to dinner with your mom” when I asked him about a rehearsal dinner at a local restaurant.  I was furious!  “You’re not going to eat with my mom, you’re going to celebrate my wedding!!”  A$$!!

In the end, it is what it is, you have to hope that your parents will be adults and get along with everyone….at least pretend for your sake!  Have you thought about discussing any of your concerns with them?  I have already taken the liberty to explain the rules to my family….they don’t have to be best friends, just cordial and realize there’s only one reason they are there and that’s to celebrate me and my Husband and it’s only a few hours!!

I wish you all the best, hopefully everyone will be so excited for you that they won’t even be thinking about the past!

Post # 13
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@Stiz:  Omg, my sisters also asked me if we were going to do a family picture and wouldn’t that be weird?   I told my mom and dad that I wanted one pic with my mom and sisters and a seperate pic with my dad, step family…  It sucks that I can’t have a “real family” picture like most brides but o well.  We will make do.  My fiance’s parents were also divorced…his dad passed last year so It will be a little awkward dealing with that too…his dad’s side of the family will be there and haven’t seen his mom since he was little (another bitter divorce)  Oh and to top it off…here’s the kicker!  Even my grandparents were divorced and remarried!!  Oh man we have the WORST track record in our families!!!  lol   It’s going to be sooooo awkward!!!   BUT…it’s our day and no one  else’s so they can all piss off!  : )

I will definitely let you know how it turns out for sure!!

Post # 14
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jenroh1984:

I’m in a similar situation. My parents are divorced (several times over), both sets of grandparents are divorced, half are re-married. Plus one grandparent has a poor relationship with his children and it’s a courtesy invite…but he and the second spouse may actually attend!

Post # 15
Member
939 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I worry about these things as well, my parents have been divorced for 16 years now. My dad lives with his new gf for about 14 of those years. I don’t like her.  She lies and is manipulative.  I think my dad only stays with her because he doesn’t wanna be alone. Anyway, I keep thinking back to my senior year of high school.  We had this thing called senior night where if you played a fall sport then you got recognized during half time of one of the football games and your parents kinda walked you down the 50 yard line.  Well, the school gives you two tickets for your parents to get into the game and so I gave one to my mom and my dad.  (perhaps i should preface a little by saying when my parents divorced me and my sisters lived with my dad and my mom moved out, but she only lived about 10 min away) My dads gf was pissed that I didn’t give her the ticket and she wasn’t walking down the field with me. Really? I mean come on.  It’s not like my mom had died or lived in california.  She lived 10 min away and she’s MY MOM of course I want her there. 

So now i keep dreading similar occurances during the course of planning the wedding and the wedding itself where she’ll want to consider herself “mother of the bride” umm not gonna happen!

Anyway, the best coarse of action I have always found is just to be upfront and honest.  Squash the problems as they arise and don’t let them get drawn out or it will be harder to fix in the end and there will be many many hurt feelings.

Post # 16
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Maybe because your mom and step sister know each other and are pretty civil they will kind of be the buffer! It’s your day and you have so much else to worry about than if adults can try and make your day the best it can be for you. Maybe even mention to your mom and your dad that you want zero awkwardness so maybe they could have decent conversation. Of course have them sit at different dinner tables(hehe!) My family is also a divorced one and things are very messy right now with my dad. So I understand the awkwardness I dont even know if my dad will be at my wedding. Just remeber its your day and if they are being awkward you can always focus on another guest 🙂

The topic ‘Divorced family: dreading bridal showers, bachelorette, etc!’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors