Divorced? I want to hear your opinion on weddings.

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 33
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

1st wedding. Big and 25 years ago. So much less involved than anything typical of today. 

2nd wedding. I paid for. About 60 people. Cost about $5k. Church wedding, mid-afternoon. Nothing too involved. 

3rd. We were going to go all out. Venue was a winery. 125 guests. DJ. Expensive photographer. Catered sit down meal. Cost about $15k. Then we decided to elope. Lost our deposits but still a great decision.

Things that are important: photographer! Hair, makeup, dress. His attire. Food/drink. Music/band/DJ if you go that route. 

Unimportant: favors, decor, flowers, invitations(don’t spend a lot) and even venue to some extent. Also, don’t invite every Tom, Dick & Henry- close friends & family only.

Post # 34
Member
787 posts
Busy bee

Weddings really aren’t my thing. I didn’t love my first wedding. There were too many people invited, I planned it all and I didn’t want it in the first place. It wasn’t super expensive (I’d say around $3k tops) but it was a major pain in the ass. I have anxiety so walking in front of everyone and having them all stare was awful. I wore a dress that wasn’t comfortable because it was the one my then fiancé wanted me to get. I spent entirely too much on food. And I felt horrible during the reception because my new husband bailed on me every few minutes to go outside and smoke with his buddies. 

This go ’round is different. We’re only inviting immediate family and each of our best friends. We’re not hosting a reception, just going out to eat with our families and hanging out. I’m wearing a dress I already own and love. It’s costing us a few hundred for a license, a minister, and a meal and I’m so over the moon happy about it I could cry.

Post # 35
Member
374 posts
Helper bee

acg90 :  ah, okay! I thought you were asking if being divorced changed our perspective on weddings (which I could totally see being true for some people, just not me)!

Post # 36
Member
147 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

acg90 :  Just find the things that are really important to you. It’s easy to get stressed over the details but what is important is that you are marrying someone you love. I remember very few details of anyone’s wedding over the years but I do remember the tender moments between the couple on their special day. That’s what is important. 

Post # 38
Member
1161 posts
Bumble bee

acg90 :  I had a fairly basic wedding the first time. Budget was $5k. Divorce was $60k.

i am now engaged. Neither of us want the big wedding. We are going to get married at courthouse, then invite our friends and family out to dinner to celebrate.

Post # 39
Member
783 posts
Busy bee

I REALLY want to have a BIG wedding the 2nd time around. My 1st one was big too but it was mostly because everyone ELSE wanted a big wedding at that time, even though I paid for it.

However, the 2nd time I want it to be big because my SO never had a wedding at all before as his ex and him and eloped and done the court thing. He is the man I am extremely proud to be with and would love to share the true experience of a big wedding with. But doesn’t seem like we will do it that way because mainly I dislike most of my extended family who outcast me long ago for not being traditional and religious enough for them. And we don’t have many friends.

SO is from the islands so we may do a ‘big’ wedding there so his remaining family there can have a blast!

Either way you go about it, you will love that it is happening with someone right, this time.

Post # 40
Member
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: Aspen, CO

My first wedding was a big expensive affair with tons of planning, stress etc. My second wedding consisted of myself, my future husband a photographer and preacher. We went to a beautiful location in Aspen CO and it was a magical day. No stress, no drama and only had to worry about ourselves.  Had the best day then went back to our hotel for champagne and tons of room service. Couldn’t have asked for more, so much better than my first wedding! 

Post # 41
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Spent $80k on my wedding in 1998. Epic party. Still the best party I ever went to and I planned every detail. Getting married again in 2018. There is no reason to spend more than $5000 if you do it and plan it yourself and in someone’s back yard. This will be far more intimate and more meaningful for you and your guests. Weddings are about celebrating the intimacy you have with your family and friends. Having a grand party is one thing. Having a backyard gala is another. You decide. After 2 decades I’ve decided that the backyard party is way better. 

Post # 42
Member
1358 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

My SO and I have both been married before and agree that we don’t want a large wedding this time. We’ll either elope or have small destination wedding.

The first time around, I focused way too much on details and making sure I had the “perfect” wedding for my guests. This time, I want it to be about my SO and me.

Post # 43
Member
352 posts
Helper bee

My first wedding was a big fancy church wedding followed by a country club reception. I didn’t really want a big wedding but it was important to my family so I went along with it. My parents paid for it. It was beautiful and I had a good time! But…it wasn’t my dream wedding or anything.

Now that I’m getting married again, I will be eloping. This is really my ideal wedding. I want to relax and have fun with my husband. We had planned to elope in Hawaii next week but my fiance just had surgery and we had to postpone our trip. We’re eloping locally instead! And going on a small mini-trip within driving distance to stay at a nice resort and relax for a few days. I’ve told only my best friend (who lives on the other side of the country). We’ll tell our families later.

What I can emphasize from my experience is that you should have the wedding YOU (and your future husband, obviously) want. Don’t do something because your mom wants you to. Do what you want to and remember the most important thing is the marriage! The wedding is just one day of your life.

Post # 44
Member
386 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My first wedding was $75 at the Justice of the Peace and $100 for a dress. That’s it. Then the divorce was $1500 2 years later

This time we plan on having a small get together with about 30 people and an officiant. Everything DIY except the rings and clothes, but even my dress isn’t going to be a wedding dress, it is going to be a pretty white sundress. We are going to basically have a fun small party and that’s it. I can’t imagine spending a ton of money on one day. The marriage is what matters, not the party.

Post # 45
Member
360 posts
Helper bee

I’m not divorced but … I’m in a networking group with people mostly 10-15+ years older than me. When I got engaged everyone was asking me about the proposal, and I proudly declared that I had a low-key, no-surprise proposal- just two adults having an adult conversation about marriage, because I am not a fairy princess and didn’t need a fairy tale proposal/wedding.

One of the women in the group, a divorce coach, didn’t skip a beat before saying “I’m probably never getting married again, but if I do, I want the fairy tale proposal. I had the adult conversation the first time, I want the fairy tale the next time.”

My heart sank. Here I was thinking I could ensure the health of my marriage by not making a big deal about the engagement/wedding, and here this woman is telling me she had done exactly that and still ended up divorced. It really changed my perspective on planning. I had been trying to be the easiest, “no-muss, no-fuss, don’t worry about a shower, I don’t need a bridal party, let’s just pick the first suitable venue we see, as long as there is enough food and alcohol everything will be fine” bride. It made me realize that it’s ok to spend money on the details that I want. 

What you should do is plan/price your dream wedding, then pick out which things really matter to you and which do not. It helped me to write down a few sentences about my dream wedding- what I wanted it to feel like and what I hoped people would think about it and what I want people to remember. That has made it easier to decide which details to prioritize and which don’t matter as much. 

You shouldn’t go into debt for one day, but don’t be afraid to spend on things that really matter to you!

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