(Closed) Divorced Parents Making my engagement/wedding planning living hell!!

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time with your parents. My parents are divorced and for a time I had a very difficult relationship with my dad, which fortunately is much better now, but I know how hard it can be.

I think you have to do what YOU want… it is your wedding and your parents have no right to make you feel uncomfortable and your dad should not be making your wedding planner any harder.

In my opinion, you don’t have to rearrange your plans so your dad can contribute unless you want to… it sounds as though he has had plenty of opportunities to reach out to you before now, so it’s not your fault if he feels excluded. Your sister should not be telling you what to do either. They should all be pulling together for you and putting their differences aside to make your wedding special.

It’s so hard when there are family problems and you are wedding planning and I guess you don’t want any ill feeling on the day so it might be worth trying to talk to your dad about it, but without giving in and rearranging your plans.

I hope it all works out for you, good luck!

Post # 4
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I completely agree with worldfairy. This is your day, and they need to either put aside their differences in order to be there for you or not attend. It really sounds like your mom is desperately trying to get your dad involved so that you won’t feel bad about his lack of involvement. I would have a talk with her and just be honest about the fact that their fighting is causing a lot of stress and worrying for you.

As awful as this sounds, your dad is being completely selfish. Your wedding isn’t about him, and if he is going to feel like he isn’t welcome, then maybe he shouldn’t be there. I don’t think you need to go out of your way to make him feel like you’re dying to have him there. Go with your gut. Would you be stressed or uncomfortable if he is there? If so, maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come. I have been to plenty of weddings where brothers, good friends, or mothers walked the bride down the aisle because the dad wasn’t supportive.

Basically what I’m trying to say to your is that whatever decision you make will be the right one because YOU made it, not your mom, dad, or siblings. Good luck, sweetheart! 

 

Post # 5
Member
3255 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I completely agree with worldfairy. This is your day, and they need to either put aside their differences in order to be there for you or not attend. It really sounds like your mom is desperately trying to get your dad involved so that you won’t feel bad about his lack of involvement. I would have a talk with her and just be honest about the fact that their fighting is causing a lot of stress and worrying for you.

As awful as this sounds, your dad is being completely selfish. Your wedding isn’t about him, and if he is going to feel like he isn’t welcome, then maybe he shouldn’t be there. I don’t think you need to go out of your way to make him feel like you’re dying to have him there. Go with your gut. Would you be stressed or uncomfortable if he is there? If so, maybe it’s best if he doesn’t come. I have been to plenty of weddings where brothers, good friends, or mothers walked the bride down the aisle because the dad wasn’t supportive.

Basically what I’m trying to say to your is that whatever decision you make will be the right one because YOU made it, not your mom, dad, or siblings. Good luck, sweetheart! 

 

Post # 6
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Everything that you have heard so far has been from “the other side”, or at the very least it has been second hand info. I’m not saying that you should not trust your Mom/siblings, but I do think you need to speak to him yourself.

As far as not contributing…well, in this day and age, I wouldn’t  exactly call that mandatory.

Post # 7
Member
581 posts
Busy bee

Actually, I think one of the major problems is your mom and how she dialogues with your dad.  They revert back to their nasty way of communicating and you are being caught in the middle. 

This may be hard, but I would talk to your dad one-on-one.  If you want him included, let him know.  Divorced parents have all kinds of baggage and it slimes everyone around them.  You will need to take charge of your wedding situation with regard to both of your parents.  They will not be working as a team in your best interest because rarely are divorce emotions final.

I really wish you the best.

 

 

Post # 8
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

@dana2324:

I’m sitting here having a good chuckle Dana. Thank you! I am having flashbacks of being a DOC / MMA Referee at receptions. I HIGHLY suggest that you and your Fiance make a united front, let them both know it is your day as a couple. If you want your father to walk you down the aisle, so be it. Mom will have to learn to bite her tongue. This is a celebration of your new life together as a couple, not to re-hash a 10 y/o divorce gone bad. Tell them both to put their big kid pants on…. sit at seperate tables….. and play nice for 6 hours….. or stay home. You will have enough last minute things to worry about! Good luck!!

Post # 10
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Just want to say I know where you’re coming from.  My fiance’s parents also had a *nasty* divorce (almost 20 years ago now), which has definitely led to some drama with the wedding planning.  (FI’s dad isn’t invited to the rehearsal dinner b/c his mom is hosting, but his dad actually wanted to host and just didn’t offer in time, etc, etc, etc.)  It sucks, I know.  I agree with @sudslover though.  It’s best to deal with each parent individually.  Be honest, and tell each of them what *you* want their part of the wedding to be.  Don’t let them bicker back and forth with each other, and definitely don’t let them use you as their go-between. 

Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yes, tell them to “put their big kid pants on” lol. Gotta love that generation. So spoilt! I like to call them the baby boomer-zillas! lol We are having the same problem with my FI’s parents, who hate each other, and they were only married for a year in 1975. Their arguments over the wedding and their feelings of “comfort” have cost us a lot of money. We could have had an informal reception at his dad’s place for under $1000 but because his mom vetoed any involvement of his father, we are going to be paying upwards of $4000 for a short afternoon cocktail reception in a restaurant. They bring my Fiance almost to tears. I hate seeing him that way. Yeah, it’s always all about the baby boomer generation. I find my grandma’s generation very refreshing – considerate, calm, tough, appreciative, humble. I think if I look to them for guidance, it will enable me to stay married long after the wedding’s over!

Post # 12
Member
31 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Oh yes and I agree with TaraRose. It will be a great bonding experience for you and your Fiance to be a united front on this and be the grown-ups in the situation.

Post # 14
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2011

im also having a major prob dana with bitter divorced parents trying to get1up on 1 another, so much so fi and i are thinking of cancelling and going away on our own – real shame not to have it where we would like with lots of family but its too much pressure on me. good luck anyway hun.

Post # 15
Member
46374 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I definitely agree that this is your day and that ythe expectation of parents should be that they act like adults.

I do think, however, that your communication with your Dad needs to be direct, not second hand through your mom.

I would make it clear to her that from now on I would appreciate her stepping back and I would pick up the phone and call your Dad.

Tell him you want him to be at your wedding( you can decide what role you want him to play) and that you want it made clear to both parents that you expect them to be civil to each other and not interfere with your enjoyment of the day.

If he won’t contribute- so be it. Move on and deal with the budget you have.

Post # 16
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I totally hear you. ITs not easy planning a wedding with parents who do not get along. My father wants to bring his girlfriend to my wedding and I can’t have that. Its not going to be a great thing if I allow it. I know he is upset but it just cannot happen. I feel like if it does happen, all eyes will be on them and people will be upset at him. I don’t know what to do.

 

Good luck to you and just remember that this is your day and do not let anyone or anything upset you.

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