Post # 1
Hello Bees! need some emotional support. My wedding is in two weeks and it’s really bugging me that my mom is not attending. My dad has been re-married for 10 years and has a son with his new wife. Neither parents are paying for anything.
Here’s her email (with some parts cutout for privacy reasons). Note that I didn’t ‘not invite her’ i just let her know that my dad and his wife and son will be attending and asked her to put their differences aside, and let her know that their fighting was affecting my big celebration in a negative way.
“So when you try your dress on and exchange wows at your wedding, take a moment to think what I went through to get you, your blood relatives and non-blood friend here. Take a moment to think what it feels like to be used by your husband to move to Canada and then be tossed aside like trash for the sake of a young well-to-do mistress. What it feels like to find out that when you are at the immigration interview abroad, your husband openly shows up with his mistress at your friends’ house. And if you can imagine what it feels like you can give me advice as to how I should feel and when I should move on.I can understand your desire to be with your father and half-brother, but I cannot take having to compete with a person who has nothing to do with you, a person who chose to date a married man and to jump on a free chance to get to Canada without a second thought. I acknowledge your decision not to invite me, but I am done with betrayals. Period. I have learned to respect my feelings as well. Since you indeed are an adult now, I hope you understand that even if wounds heal, scars never go away. I just have no capacity for more lies or half-truths. “
<!– [if !supportLineBreakNewLine]–>Anyways after this email I decided it was not my responsibility to reconcile my parents and it was up to each of them whether or not they wanted to attend and there was nothing else I can do. Do you think i made the right call? Getting bummed that my mom won’t be there. <!–[endif]–>
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
I don’t really understand the dynamics between you and your mother here, but the bare minimum that I would do is at least reassure her that you ARE inviting her.
Post # 3
What a manipulative woman. Yes you made the right call. Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you and you stood up for yourself. Ideally, she’ll realize how horrible she’s being and grow up.
As much as it hurts, your mother is petty and immature to throw away her daughters wedding to continue a grudge. She should seek therapy before she continues to damage her relationships.
Post # 4
AlmostMrsP2014: It’s been 10 years. This is her problem and not yours. I understand she was devestated, but 10 years later, she should be able to manage being in the same room for a couple of hours. If this had happened very recently, I’d see it differently.
Post # 5
Jeez, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You absolutely did the right thing by inviting both of your parents. It’s really sad that your mom couldn’t put aside her anger and hurt for one day to be there with you while you get married. Just remember that her feelings have nothing to do with you (even though they affect you) — you haven’t done anything wrong, and it’s just her own issues with your dad that are keeping her away.
My parents are also divorced, and my siblings and I dealt with some drama during the lead-up to our weddings, as well. Weddings can be really tough for divorced parents, and it’s just such a shame when grown men and women, who have had years to get over someting, can’t do it.
I hope you have a beautiful wedding day, and I hope your mom can get past her anger eventually. I also hope you don’t take her advice — definitely don’t think about her bad mariage as you’re getting ready and saying your vows, if you can help it!
Post # 6
AlmostMrsP2014: Oh you poor girl. Your mom is indeed manipulative, trying to blackmail you emotionally. She does need to move on, it’s ridiculous. You go and have your beautiful, wonderful, fun, happy, love-filled day and she can sit at home alone and sulk. I truly hope you recognize it’s her that has the problem.
Post # 7
@LMD: Yes there’s a lot of other history there that I didn’t go into. I did let her know again that everybody is invited. Basically her response is “You didn’t invite me since you know that I won’t go if your dad’s wife is going” and “I should be the most important guest, instead i’m the last one and optional” again…..i just kept repeating to her that everybody is invited and that not attending is purely her decision. I think she just doesnt want to hear that, in her mind it’s easier to play the victim and act like i excluded her.
Post # 8
You did your part of inviting both of them! Whether they choose to be adults and attend is on them. Yes it will be heart breaking but if there is going to drama and she refuses to go then mabe it’s for the better!
My mom cheated on my dad 10 years ago and is still with the same guy and for awile my dad said he wouldn’t go to my wedding one day and it hurts me alot but I can’t force them to go if they don’t want to. I wish my mom wouldn’t bring her “boyfriend” out of respect for me and my dad but i don’t see that happening.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. Stress you don’ t need!
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
AlmostMrsP2014: Then I agree with other PPs. It sounds like she’s just being manipulative, and to your point, trying to play the victim.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. 🙁
Post # 10
I am so sorry that this is her response, and it really is inexcusable. I hope you have a beautiful wedding!
Post # 11
MissNC: Yeah my dad clearly had an affair with this woman and I can definitely understand why my mom hates her but it’s been 10 years and they are married and now have a kid who is my half brother. So I really wouldn’t want to exlude her because obvi I want my brother to be there (he’s not even two years old).
I just wish that my parents would pick a forum other than my wedding day to air out their dirty laundry!
Post # 12
AlmostMrsP2014: The moment I called my mom to tell her I was engaged (we live in different states), she said, “That’s great! And don’t worry about inviting me. You just enjoy your day.” She couldn’t handle being near my dad or my stepmom or step-siblings. It hurt, but it was a relief at the same time because if anyone would have caused drama that day, it would have been her – the only one who hasn’t found a way to let go of the hurt of the past. So I found solace in knowing that no one would create drama at my wedding and that everyone could be themselves and be comfortable.
As long as your mom knows that you did invite her, and never revoked that, then she is makng her own childish decision. I second stillme: when she says that you need to remember that her decision isn’t about you (even though it affects you). Her decision is selfish. But maybe you’ll have a better day if she isn’t there to create more drama.
Post # 13
It sounds to me like your mom has some serious problems she needs to work out. But those problems are hers, not yours. You can’t very well invite your dad and not his wife, that would be a terrible, terrible thing to do, and I’m sure your mother knows that on some level. This is your wedding, and not the time for other people to try and guilt you into accomodating their own emotional baggage. You invited everyone, and it was the right thing to do. Don’t let anyone make you feel otherwise.
Post # 14
I would have told dad to leave his wife home. Being the Other Woman means not being respected.
Post # 15
I’ve said this on another thread before- but it’s true:
My ex husband cheated on me and left me for another woman. I would NEVER put our daughter in a position of having to choose between us. One day when she gets married it will make me so happy to be there- I won’t let my ex being there bother me in the least.