(Closed) Divorced: What Do You Wish You Would Have Known?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

that caught me off guard too. i always wonder what causes people to grow apart like that after SO many years. I have heard before that some people blame it on the empty nest syndrome (realizing all the kids are now out of the house and all they have left to focus on now is each other…)

the BIG things seem to be finances, communication, and infideliity. i guess seeing stuff like this lets us know how important communication is, as well as the fact that you HAVE TO KEEP COMMUNICATING. it wont keep running by itself!

Post # 4
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Honestly I don’t believe that everyone IS a happy engaged couple. I think people get married for a lot of reasons and not always the right ones. I’ve even heard people say that they knew before they walked down the aisle that things would end in divorce but they were too scared/embarrassed/pressured into going through with it. Even my mom said that when she got married she never REALLY thought it’d last forever (lucky for all of us, she was totally wrong and 34 years later my parents are the happiest married couple I know). 

I also think that a lot of people (especially in our generation) have unreasonable expectations. They watch too many movies and think that “happily ever after” means happy every day and means you like your partner every single day. I think marriages that last are comprised of couples who are willing to ride the waves. 

Post # 5
Member
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I agree with what the other posters have said.

But I saw an excerpt about this on The Today Show that I thought was interesting.  Just b/c this marriage ended in divorce after 40 years doesn’t mean that it wasn’t “successful.”  A lot of those years could have been very happy, good years.  I think sometimes people just grow apart and change… this changes what you want/need from a partner.

Post # 6
Member
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@corgitales – i completely agree!

let’s be real. i love my man. i don’t want to be with another. i trust him. we communicate. we want the same things. on and on and on. all of the good fuzzy feelings reaffirming what my head already knows about him too.

but regardless, i know that we are going to have our BAD days just as much as i can’t for all of the GOOD days we’re going to have together. i think a lot of ppl carry this fairy tale happy ending cinderella story… that it’ll always be rainbows and butterflies. when in reality. it’s not.

in my opinion marriage should be founded upon unconditional love (as much as a human can)… with the effort and undying will to make it past anything (aside from cheating and beating).

i really do wonder what happened to al and tipper… my guess is just lack of communication and years of resentment being built up. or he slept with a stripper.

Post # 7
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I am going through a divorce and planning a wedding. What I can tell you is there are reasons that sometimes only a couple know. Sometimes others think they know and sometimes it just happens. I did not want to divorce ever, never went into my marriage thinking I would ever consider it. But…after 20+ years enough is enough. Basically my marriage was me doing everything at home and with the kids, him working and staying gone when he wasnt working. I had no life, no real clothes or even a car in my name by the time I left. By the time I woke up everyone around me thought it was high time I dumped him. His family I am sure feel differently, but some of the wives of his friends see my plight, I lost me.

 

Marriage is not easy but it does take two people willing to try, once you wake up to that fact a lot of things you can get through. But every dog has a day he decides he is tired of being kicked, and I was sick of the situation. I was not happy or loved.

 

I am loved and happy, and when you know how bad it can be marriage is something I truly love especially when I have a man that loves and supports me n everything I do.

 

There is a story with Tipper and Al but I doubt it will reveal itself quickly or publically.

Post # 8
Member
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

When my grandparents got married in 1957 they entered into a business deal. My (Jewish) grandfather grew up in Germany during WWII and my grandmother came from a lower-middle class Jewish family in Los Angeles. Neither had much money, but knew together they could create an empire.

And they did. They have more money than they know what to do with and have been married for over 50 years. They raised three children and have a number of grandchildren. They have traveled the world and back. But my grandmother has never forgotten that she married for money over love. She’s not unhappy in her life but I know she has wished things were different.

Like CorgiTales said, people marry for different reasons. 

I also think that these couples who have been married for 40+ years and are now getting a divorce do so because it is more socially acceptable. Alcoholic or abusive husband? Society no longer condemns, blames, or excepts women to put up with it. I think older women feel more empowered to leave their marriages now.

Post # 9
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

What I wish I had known.  I just got divorced February 1, 2010.  I filed for divorce just one month before what would have been our 14th anniversary.  I wish I had known my husband could never, ever tell the truth.  I wish I had known he would be emotionally abusive.  Imagine coming home from gastric bypass and having to go right back to your mom chores.  Then, after losing 150 pounds I became “repulsive”.  I thank God every day for the new man in my life.  He’s not the reason I divorced.  He’s the reason I got my head out of my butt, found all the unopened envelopes and learned the truth about our financial situation.  I walked out of the courthouse singing “I’m a single lady!  I’m a single lady!” at the top of my lungs.  I high-fived my parents when the Judge declared the divorce.  I’m sure my ex heard it over the phone.  He chose to move 600 miles away.  Six times he offered to relinquish parental rights and, as of today, he’s more than $2500 in arrears in child support.  My 13-year-old can’t wait for the day she can change her last name.  I wish I had known I wasted all those years with a bi-polar loser.  And, today, I’m 6 days and some hours from being with the man of my dreams again.  We have a long-distance relationship for another couple months.  I can’t wait until we’re together full-time.  My advice is to keep off the rose-colored glasses.  DEMAND full disclosure in EVERY aspect of your married life.  Keep the finances together.  But, at the same time, keep some money for yourself.  I wish I had been smart.  My parents wouldn’t be out about $65,000.  Stay smart.  Stay alert.  Love your partner but demand full-disclosure.  Secrets are dangerous to a marriage.  But, I’m so happy my time in Hell is over. 🙂  I’m 165 pounds lighter and happier than ever!  I wish you all nothing but the best!  I’m so glad I found this site.  I can’t wait to officially begin planning the wedding to the man of my dreams. 😀

 

Post # 10
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

i wasn’t even married for a year before we filed.

we didn’t get along good during our 8 year on/off relationship, and we had cancelled 2 weddings, so it should have been a big clue! i was stupid and married on a whim….boy what a regret.

i don’t think it would have worked out between us regardless, but i can say that we got lazy, stopped communicating, had very different interests and hobbies, and all three of these reasons led to our divorce.

so happy i’ve finally met the person i can truly, HONESTLY say i see myself spending many many many wonderful years with!

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