- 7 years ago
- Wedding: December 2006
Yes, I’m in my 30’s and should know how to do this. Frankly thanks to moving every 5 years since I was 18 years old I have never had to “break up” with a friend. Moving was always a good excuse as time & distance tend to distract people. Plus I’m a drama free person, so I don’t tend to have big fights or anything with people I know (including my spouse.)
So I have this friend, we’ll call her “Alice”. Alice was born into money and lived a very priviledged life. We met in college, she was a “friend of a friend.” I have never considered her to be very close. She calls herself a “silver spoon” while I was the blue collar kid. I was fortunate that my family was active in many civic organizations so I have always known people of varying socioeconomic backgrounds. This is why I did not think that it was odd when Alice wanted to be my associate, although I thought the fact that she was proud to be considered a snob a little bit strange.
Since college we have seen each other exactly 3 times. We have spoken on the phone 0 times. She mainly emails or IMs me. Usually when she IMs me it is to complain about something.
Eight years ago Alice began seeing “Ted”. Ted is an over-worked and under-paid “white collar” professional. Alice’s family told her when she began seeing him that he would not be able to afford her lavish lifestyle. I know all of this because Alice told me in great detail via IM. Eventually Alice moved in with Ted. Every time they fought I got an “eyeful” via IM. It was always about money. Eventually Ted took out a second mortgage on his house to purchase Alice an “appropriate” ring and the wedding date was set for YEARS into the future.
During this years long engagement I finished grad school, met a man and also got engaged. My husband has been completely on his own since 18. He got himself through undergrad and grad school and has built a lucrative career which continues to grow. He is frugal but not cheap, cosiders DIY home improvement his hobby and his only concession to vanity is the once a month $10 buzz cut he gets at the barber.
Because I was “stealing her thunder” by getting married during the time Alice was engaged she was insistant on giving me all the gory details of the $30,000 wedding her parents planned for her. I know it cost that much because she told me so. My entire wedding cost less than her dress. My husband bought me the modest 1 carat e-ring that I wanted, she remarked if that represented two months of his salary we couldn’t afford to get married. She declined to come to my wedding to go watch Ted play in a football tourney, but sent the STD’s so they arrived the day before my wedding ceremony. She continues to call our house “the money pit” even though she has never been to visit; she has said it so many times that a mutual friend took offense for me! She took her $12,000 honeymoon, got preggo on it and I heard very little from her for a few years except for the TONS of pics she sends to EVERYONE she knows of this child whom I have never met.
Now we are FB friends. I wish FB didn’t have IM, because every 6 months she IMs me and wants to talk about money. I have been out of work for about a year, but because Hubs is a great provider/saver and I have no prob eating tuna & hot dogs we have managed fine. She asks leading questions, hinting about CC debt and not having money and living paycheck to paycheck. But she will tell you all about the vacation they just took or where they’ve been eating out to dinner a lot lately. When I won’t talk about money she makes nasty comments about our “farm” and all the “work” that I have to do being married to my “poor” husband. When not complaining about money she complains because Ted is never home (he works multiple jobs now) and because they still haven’t moved out of their “starter” home and how difficult it is to work FT and be a mom.
I want to tell her that Hubs and I don’t talk finances with anyone. I want to tell her that Hubs was also born with a silver spoon, but his parents thought there was value in earning his own way. I want to tell her that the original ring Hubs picked out was 5 flippin carats but I didn’t think it was “me”. And I also want to tell her that the reason we’ve “survived” my unemploy is because we live wayyy below our means, driving cars 10+ years old, not eating out except on special occasions, only buying new clothes for our professional lives and wearing them until I use what it left to polish our furniture. I want to tell her that we don’t have kids yet because I haven’t worked, that a lot of our furniture is “antique” or purchased used from friends (gotta love the value of slipcovers!) But I won’t because I sense that she will not understand.
I don’t want to lose all touch with her, as we have mutual friends and will likely run into each other from time to time. How do I get her to just be a “Christmas card” friend?