(Closed) Divorcing – still newlyweds

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9595 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

He is insane and caught up in his virgin bride patriarchal fantasies. Good riddance, buh bye. At least you didn’t waste more than a year on that tool.

Post # 3
938 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

MrsBuesleBee:  This.

Fuck him, good riddance, goodbye.  Find someone who won’t judge you or be a victim of stupid gender expectations.

What a fuck.  Sorry.

Post # 4
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Something is up with this guy… He is perhaps totally insane or he has been in another relationship this entire time. You said nothing about, well nothing for him to react that way. If he could be set off this easily then it is best that you get out now. Honestly, you are at a loss because you don’t know this guy at all… I have been there. I was married and seperated to my ex after having been together for 8 months. You will bounce back eventually. Work on improving yourself and your own circumstances right now. Get divorced, and then move on with your life. 

My ex beat me for the first time the same day we were married, like a few hours later. It is better to get rid of him now before he escalates and turns even crazier. Please, take care of yourself! You may never figure this man out, and that is not the point. In the future, please take your time. If you get engaged in a short period of time have a long engagement. You will get through this, good luck to you!

Post # 5
1259 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

StaleCoffee:  Ugh, what a mess! You poor thing – it must have all come as such a surprise and been very upsetting. It sounds like you’ve handled it well and I agree with your conclusion – it really does seem that he is nutty, hurtful, and hateful, and that you’re better off out. I’m just so sorry it went down that way though.

I hope you won’t spend much more time wondering about what you said. It sounds very much like he was a loose cannon waiting to go off, and I think you’re time ruminating would be wasted.

For what it’s worth, I think you sound awesome, and hope you’re able to put yourself out there again and find a much more deserving partner. Best of luck!

Post # 6
1992 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

StaleCoffee:  This guy is nuts! I’m glad you see this, and aren’t blaming yourself for his craziness.  You’ve done nothing wrong.

Post # 8
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Agree with PPs.  

Sigh.  The psychoanalyst Erich Fromm was fond of saying that we fall in love in proportion to how lonely we were before that person came into our lives.  He also said that we fall “blindly” in love in direct proportion to how much we NEEDED a person before someone comes into our lives.  

Here’s the thing StaleCoffee: you didn’t make a mistake by finally opening up to someone.  You didn’t even make a mistake by being willing to commit, and start a new life.  All of that is part of your HEALTHY psyche trying to wake you up and get you to live the life you really want.  Where it went wrong though (and take this with a grain of salt since I’m truly only an online stranger) is that you forgot relationships have stages and getting to know someone is a PROCESS.  By the time your asshat soon to be ex husband revealed his true colors you needed a divorce to get him out of your life.

Of course he liked your being sexually inexperienced and having had a sheltered upbringing! He had such plans for you! You were never going to compare him to another man, another relationship.  He was going to be you be all and end all in this lifetime.  He was going to be the yardstick by which you measured everybody else and your life was supposed to start only when you met him.  Those are HIS insecurities.  It takes a special grade of insecurity and lack of self confidence to want, no, DEMAND utter ignorance, innocence and naivete from the other party so you won’t be found lacking.  

None of that is your fault.  

Please, please, please realize that opening up to someone felt wonderful! It made you feel alive and passionate.  Take the lesson (your inner being telling you ‘hey, I want that!’ and your actually following thru with it), become wiser and leave that bad man as quickly as you can so that instead of being with someone so insecure and damaged you can find someone who will laugh with you over stories of the past.  Someone who will WANT to know every part of you and not hold your past experiences against you since hello, those experiences are what made you into who you are now (the woman he claimed to love).

Good riddance.  Find yourself a really cool therapist or someone to talk to for a while so you can wrap your head around your shyness and how you hide away from your life so that you can be happier from now on.   

Post # 9
6448 posts
Bee Keeper

StaleCoffee:  It is definitely him.  Who flips out about a PAST relationship?  No one that is a rational human being.  Clearly you were not experienced and he liked that, probably had some sick fantasy of de-virginizing you and when he found out you had some experience he hated it.  I would just move out, and on, maybe see if you can live with your BFF or mom until everything is resolved.  The fact that your mom didn’t like him or he didn’t like your BFF are indicators that he wasn’t the one.

Post # 10
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

Good riddance to your husband. He sounds very possessive and a bit crazy. That being said, reminiscing about your previous sexual experiences (I am assuming that they were sexual in some fashion even if penetration wasn’t involved) with old partners to your current husband probably wasn’t the best idea. Very few people like to be blindsided by hearing about the intimate details of their partner’s sex lives with other people. It’s not inherently ‘wrong’ or worthy of retaliation, but it is also not polite.

At any rate, take what you have learned through all this into your future relationships.

1) Don’t get married in the honeymoon phase (less than 24 months after beginning the relationship). It takes a lot of time to get to know someone.

2) Don’t share details of your previous sex life with other partners without a very good reason.

3) If someone is needy and possessive, consider it a red flag that will probably lead to irrational or even abusive behavior down the track.

4) Listen to trusted people around you. If they are telling you that you are moving too fast for your level of experience and/or they don’t like your partner, believe that there is a good reason for it.

You are still young and I am sure there is someone else wonderful out there for you. Best of luck for the future.

Post # 11
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

This dude is crazy! He seems to have wanted someone who literally had never had anyone besides him. Probably over compensating for his lack of pizzazz in the bedroom. Good riddance!

Post # 12
2332 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

You are so much better off without him! What a pig, caught up in some virgin fantasy where he’s the white knight who slays you. You did NOTHING wrong. Don’t ever start to think you did

Post # 13
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

There’s a saying, “You can’t reason with crazy”. There’s no point trying to understand the reason for your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband’s behaviour. Whether he’s crazy, stupid, controlling, sexist, or something else – it doesn’t matter. His attitude has no place in a marriage and you’re better off without him, and there’s no point trying to understand why. 

p.s. I do value “saving yourself for marriage” very highly – but I also recognise the past is in the past. And your past shouldn’t threaten him in the least anyway!

Post # 14
12216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

That is insane. What a hypocritical chauvinist jerk! Is he very religious or from that kind of background culturally? 

In any case, consider yourself lucky to have found this out before you had children with this man. If he  could  act like this now, imagine the life of controlling jealousy you would have had in store later. Anyone at all can seem like a good guy when things are going their way. The real measure of a man us how they handle those times when they are not. How does he handle stress, a different opinion, setbacks?  Next time around, that’s what I’d focus on most. 

I think our history is a large part of what leads us to be who we are today and that it is perfectly normal to share it when getting to know a partner.  I also happen to think there is such a thing as Too Much Information and over sharing.  But that is when you are dealing with someone normal and rational. In this case, it’s  a very good thing IMO that you said what you did, because it opened your eyes to who and what he really is.  You’ve now dodged a huge bullet. A wedding, some money and a bit of time lost is a very small price to pay. 

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