Post # 1
This a bit of an unusual topic for this forum, but I sincerely appreciate your Bees’ feedback!
A few weeks ago, my mother and I did one of those at-home DNA test kits. Everything was great and we were both very excited about our results. With this particular company, you have the option to see the people who are genetically connected to you. While my mom decided not to do that, I was happy to look through my DNA connections. This is how I discovered I have a 1<sup>st</sup> cousin I’ve never, ever met (on my dad’s side).
A 1<sup>st</sup> cousin, as you know, is the child of an aunt/uncle. Well, I’ve met all of the children of all my aunts/uncles on my dad’s side (we all grew up together), except for this person. Moreover, this connection and I share the same last name (my dad’s family last name), so I’m really shocked I’ve never met this person. This leads me to believe that perhaps there’s an aunt/uncle out there I’ve never met before and this is his/her child. But why would there be an aunt/uncle with my dad’s family name I’ve never met before?
Another this is that my dad is the only one of his siblings who looks different. In fact, there was always an ongoing joke in his family that he looked way more like his cousins (children of his father’s brother). I’m beginning to suspect there may be something going on there. Maybe this 1<sup>st</sup> cousin is related to that part of my dad’s family, meaning my dad is really his uncle’s son? Ugh- this is so confusing.
Should I even mention anything? Is it worth starting any sort of family drama? Also, my mom’s insisting I get a DNA kit for my dad, but if I do and he decides to look at his connections, he’ll definitely see he’s related to this person and may discover something that may change his life forever.
I’m a total loss here.
Post # 2
You do realize that DNA test kit sellers tell you that this is a risk you should consider before undertaking this right? Why do people still do this believing it won’t affect them negatively when there’s a huge chance it can???
Listen, its one thing for Dad to find out this information on his own and completely another for you to tell him. I personally don’t think its your business or job to uproot another person’s perception of their own identity. You chose to uproot yours and got a surprise that didn’t really affect you that much. He’s innocent and may not welcome that surprise.
Let mom get him the kit or let him get it himself. That way he has a choice. You stay 100% out of it.
Post # 3
This is not your can of worms to open. If he wants to get a kit it is up to him and has nothing to do with either your mother or you.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t do anything with this information. If no one has brought this up to you directly then it is non of your business.
Post # 5
I disagree with PP. The information is there now, knowing that you kept something like this from him might hurt him just as much as telling him. If I was in your situation I would talk to your father. Tell him what you came across and ask him what he thinks and what he wants to do. Then respect his wishes.
You might find out that he already knows about this person or their parents. It could be that your grandfather had a child before he met your grandmother or one of your uncles has a child from a previous relationship.
Post # 6
zias : “It could be that your grandfather had a child before he met your grandmother or one of your uncles has a child from a previous relationship.”
That’s exactly what I was thinking. Chances are, there’s no big secret and you just don’t happen to be aware of this particular branch of the family. You could tell your parents matter-of-factly that you just learned you have a 1st cousin named John Jones and their reaction could give you a clue how to proceed. I’d honestly probably let it go, though. What do you expect to gain from revealing this?
Personal story: I have a 60 year old relative who recently realized through one of these tests that she and her favorite sister (70 years old) are only half siblings. Do you know these two old ladies confronted their 95 year old mother demanding to know all the men she may have slept with between 1948 and 1960? Lol. The mother, of course, has no earthly idea at this point. So the 60 year old went back to the country where she’s from and passed out a handful of these DNA kits (at $100 a pop!) to some suspected paternal relatives. She did find a match. Her father is apparently some guy her mother briefly dated that lived near her grandparents (or something like that). Anyway, the relative now complains that her long lost half-sister regularly calls her asking for money. Lol. I will never know why she didn’t just leave well enough alone.
Post # 7
Meh. Not your monkeys, not your circus. I’d leave it be.
Post # 8
How are you so sure that your dad is impacted? My first thought was that your aunts or uncles (Dad’s siblings) had a child that you were unaware of.
IF you want to get involved, show your dad your results. He can take it from there and decide whether he wants to investigate any further.
Post # 9
is102017 : 23 & Me ruining family christmas had a whole thread on reddit.
Honestly, i would ignore it. There is a chance he may already know something but doesnt find it relevant. or maybe he doesn’t. I wouldnt want to be the center of all that unfolding.
Most of the family secrets are somewhat out in my family, but holy crap i can imagine the pandoras box these DNA kits would have opened 30 years ago. Actually, i bet it would still bring some surprises.
Post # 10
Im a huge fan of DNA tests. Ive done mine, my husband’s and his grandmother’s. We have a similar instance and we have found a 2nd cousin twice removed of grandma’s. He was adopted & nobody knows anything. Grandma is 101 so not much help. We are pretty certain due to geography, who his dad is. Id keep it to myself though or at least ontact them.
Post # 11
I would write to that match and find out a bit more about them, without telling your parents anything at this point.
Post # 12
is102017 : this is a long shot, but since the last name is the same, I’m wondering if one of your cousins just decided to use their middle name instead of first name when they sent in the test, or something like that? I’ve never taken one of those tests so not sure if they verify your name somehow, or just use what the person writes on the form.
Post # 13
You don’t know what you’re dealing with at this point so don’t make assumptions. I am on Ancestry and all of my matches are dentified as a range, 2nd to 3rd cousin, for example. Does the company you use specifically say first cousin?
Find out what you can without involving anyone else in the family and starting gossip. Don’t hurt your Dad with information he doesn’t need to know.
Post # 14
Other people in your family know about this person, and for some reason have chosen not to talk about it. But there is most certainly a reason. It’s not up to you to go snooping through people’s past, particularly when there’s no need to do so, other than satiate your curiosity.
You have no idea how painful this may or may not be.
Let your dad do his test. His results and reaction to them will tell you what you need to know about whether to bring it up.