DNA Test Revelation- Should I Say Something?

posted 2 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

You do realize that DNA test kit sellers tell you that this is a risk you should consider before undertaking this right?    Why do people still do this believing it won’t affect them negatively when there’s a huge chance it can???

Listen, its one thing for Dad to find out this information on his own and completely another for you to tell him.  I personally don’t think its your business or job to uproot another person’s perception of their own identity.  You chose to uproot yours and got a surprise that didn’t really affect you that much.  He’s innocent and may not welcome that surprise.  

Let mom get him the kit or let him get it himself.  That way he has a choice.  You stay 100% out of it.

Post # 3
Member
900 posts
Busy bee

This is not your can of worms to open. If he wants to get a kit it is up to him and has nothing to do with either your mother or you.

Post # 4
Member
4608 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I wouldn’t do anything with this information.  If no one has brought this up to you directly then it is non of your business. 

Post # 5
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

I disagree with PP. The information is there now, knowing that you kept something like this from him might hurt him just as much as telling him. If I was in your situation I would talk to your father. Tell him what you came across and ask him what he thinks and what he wants to do. Then respect his wishes.  

 

You might find out that he already knows about this person or their parents. It could be that your grandfather had a child before he met your grandmother or one of your uncles has a child from a previous relationship. 

Post # 6
Member
3436 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

is102017 :  

zias :  “It could be that your grandfather had a child before he met your grandmother or one of your uncles has a child from a previous relationship.”

That’s exactly what I was thinking. Chances are, there’s no big secret and you just don’t happen to be aware of this particular branch of the family. You could tell your parents matter-of-factly that you just learned you have a 1st cousin named John Jones and their reaction could give you a clue how to proceed. I’d honestly probably let it go, though. What do you expect to gain from revealing this?

Personal story: I have a 60 year old relative who recently realized through one of these tests that she and her favorite sister (70 years old) are only half siblings. Do you know these two old ladies confronted their 95 year old mother demanding to know all the men she may have slept with between 1948 and 1960? Lol. The mother, of course, has no earthly idea at this point. So the 60 year old went back to the country where she’s from and passed out a handful of these DNA kits (at $100 a pop!) to some suspected paternal relatives. She did find a match. Her father is apparently some guy her mother briefly dated that lived near her grandparents (or something like that). Anyway, the relative now complains that her long lost half-sister regularly calls her asking for money.  Lol. I will never know why she didn’t just leave well enough alone. 

Post # 7
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Meh. Not your monkeys, not your circus. I’d leave it be. 

Post # 8
Member
45 posts
Newbee

How are you so sure that your dad is impacted?  My first thought was that your aunts or uncles (Dad’s siblings) had a child that you were unaware of. 

IF you want to get involved, show your dad your results. He can take it from there and decide whether he wants to investigate any further.

Post # 9
Member
2890 posts
Sugar bee

is102017 :  23 & Me ruining family christmas had a whole thread on reddit. 

Honestly, i would ignore it. There is a chance he may already know something but doesnt find it relevant. or maybe he doesn’t. I wouldnt want to be the center of all that unfolding. 

Most of the family secrets are somewhat out in my family, but holy crap i can imagine the pandoras box these DNA kits would have opened 30 years ago. Actually, i bet it would still bring some surprises. 

Post # 10
Member
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Im a huge fan of DNA tests. Ive done mine, my husband’s and his grandmother’s.  We have a similar instance and we have found a 2nd cousin twice removed of grandma’s.  He was adopted & nobody knows anything.  Grandma is 101 so not much help. We are pretty certain due to geography,  who his dad is. Id keep it to myself though or at least ontact them.

Post # 11
Member
61 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I would write to that match and find out a bit more about them, without telling your parents anything at this point.

 

Post # 12
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

is102017 :  this is a long shot, but since the last name is the same, I’m wondering if one of your cousins just decided to use their middle name instead of first name when they sent in the test, or something like that? I’ve never taken one of those tests so not sure if they verify your name somehow, or just use what the person writes on the form.

Post # 13
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

You don’t know what you’re dealing with at this point so don’t make assumptions. I am on Ancestry and all of my matches are dentified as a range, 2nd to 3rd cousin, for example.  Does the company you use specifically say first cousin?

Find out what you can without involving anyone else in the family and starting gossip.  Don’t hurt your Dad with information he doesn’t need to know. 

 

Post # 14
Member
3978 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Other people in your family know about this person, and for some reason have chosen not to talk about it. But there is most certainly a reason. It’s not up to you to go snooping through people’s past, particularly when there’s no need to do so, other than satiate your curiosity. 

You have no idea how painful this may or may not be.

Let your dad do his test. His results and reaction to them will tell you what you need to know about whether to bring it up.

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