Post # 1
By "this" I mean pressure to make people happy?
My fiance’s sister in law has been trying to be very kind to me (I think). First her and her husband (finace’s brother) offered to throw us an engagement party. Problem was, they never asked us- we found out via an invitation and it was planned on a day we both work. No one ever asked us if we had time. I’m not sure how they felt about us not being able to come.
So my BIL’s wife emails me trying to get together to do my DIY projects… The first date she picked is a week before the wedding and my finals week at colllege (I have 6 exams that week, and am graduating). I felt terrible I had to decline. She then emails me a few days later and wants to get together with my Mother-In-Law, SIL, mother, and sister 2 days before the wedding and wants addresses so she can send out invitations. She lives an hour away from my parents where I will be the week of the wedding. My wedding is a tented wedding held on my parents farm… There is so much to do!!- and that’s the day my wholesale flowers will be delivered/cleaning day. I emailed her back apologizing because I felt terrible. Is it me? Am I a jerk? I got an email back from her today that was by no means "angry…" but I’m sure she wasn’t happy. I invited her to come by a few hours before the rehersal dinner (when my Mother-In-Law and SIL are coming over) to help me with my DIY crap- but she declined.
Is it me? Am I difficult?
I’m sick of the pressure! There so many other ways people are pressuring me. Our ceremony is non-denominational, my fiance and I compromised to have a minister marry us but in a justice of the peace style with a few references to God- to appease my in-laws and the brother and sister in law mentioned above (I personally am not religious and my fiance is only religious around his family not to upset them).
What are your stress stories… I need to know I’m not the only one feeling the pressure. I see why girl’s turn into "bridezilla’s" it’s hard to be calm when everyone wants things from you that make you unhappy.
Post # 3
Wow – they are thoughtful to want to host parties and help – but slightly selfish in not making sure the dates/time work for the guest of honor! Seriously – who does that. When you decline do you say things like ‘wow, thanks – that would be lots of fun, only problem is that day won’t work out – could we find another day that would work for both of us?’ How do they react to that?
Doesn’t sound like you are being difficult at all. Just remember – it’s impossible to please everyone. You can do you best – but at some point you need to just have a "c’est la vie" attitude. Really won’t do you any good to overly worry/stress about things 🙂
Post # 4
I sent my future SIL a long email apologizing and explaining. To this I got back "You don’t have to explain yourself. It is fine."
Stresses me out more.
Post # 5
people offering to do things for you are either trying to help/be nice because they care about *you*, in which case you should feel free to tell them gently when their suggestions don’t work for you. If they genuinely want to help, they’ll want to know how they can be most helpful so you can offer suggestions in a polite way that allows them to decline gracefully if your idea doesn’t work for them.
If they aren’t genuinely wanting to be helpful/have motivations other than caring about you, remember it’s your wedding, so don’t feel like you have to be a doormat to everything other people want to do that just makes more work and stress for you. Just firmly say thanks, but no.
actually, you can say the same about "life" not just "weddings"
Post # 6
Hey Maureen: deep breaths. It’s okay! There are sooo many good things that can turn stressful when it comes to wedding planning. Our big day is in March and I’m under pressure to pick my dress right now. Yesterday I had a mini-breakdown. I just couldn’t handle it anymore.
Our wedding situations is probably one of the most stressful ever because our relationship is currently long-distance (he’s in India and I’m in the States) and we’re on a young-couple budget. The wedding is going to be overseas and I’m trying to get everything lined up from here! It’s crazy and can get really overwhelming at times, but every day I try to remember what our wedding is really about: becoming each other’s husband and wife and spending our lives together.
It’s natural to want to please all the people you love and who are going to become your family, but at the same time, you’ve got to take care of yourself. Try not to let stuff get under your skin. Identify what things you REALLY want a certain way on your wedding day and stand up for them, and use the things that aren’t too important to you to appease everyone else.
Whenever you need some reassurance that you’re not the only one stressing, you can hit up my blog (http://bamboo-bride.blogspot.com). My last post is all about yesterdays crazy dress meltdown! Take care!
Post # 7
I’m better now. It was just that momentary freak out that I can’t make everyone happy. There are other factors that played into my emotion- but that was the current dillema. I don’t fit in with my fiance’s family… and situations like this (once I am calmed down) remind me why usually I don’t care. Everything is on their terms- and while I appreciate the offers; I feel like I am expected to oblige.
Post # 8
I think that people think they are doing you a favor – and so that somehow whatever is most convenient for them will also be fine with you. (I also think that some people are more prone to that attitude than others!) Plus, some people really want to do something FOR you, whereas some people are really looking for some personal glory – "Look how great I am, throwing this wonderful party for you!"
It totally gets worse. The day before my wedding I had all kinds of friends and family – most of whom walked in the door asking what they could do to help – somehow acting like I should be waiting on them! I didn’t have any specific tasks to give them (more fool me) so they were sort of wandering around requesting random things from me (a Coke – no, a Diet Coke – no, one without ice – a map of California – coffee – cream for the coffee – and on and on). I finally fled to a girlfriend’s house with my little box of stuff that still needed to be done – and sent Darling Husband (along with said girlfriend’s husband) out deliver stuff to our venue and pick up my dress – leaving everybody wondering where the heck their "host and hostess" had gone. Hey, when I said that there wasn’t really anything you could do, I didn’t mean that there wasn’t anything I had to do!!
Unfortunately I’m like you – I end up feeling bad if I’m not somehow sufficiently grateful or gracious. You (and I!) need to get used to saying, politely, "Wow, how nice of you! I really appreciate that! Unfortunately, that (date, time, week, situation in general) isn’t going to work out for me. What about (the next week, the weekend, getting the heck out of my house for the rest of the day?) There’s nothing wrong with that, really. Just say it nicely! And say "Thank you!" a lot. Try to channel Kyra Sedgewick on The Closer.
Post # 9
I just find it strange that she is trying to plan things for you, rather than you doing it for yourself. every one of those ideas she had should have been decided by you…..maybe your Fiance should talk to her?
Post # 10
I thought it was odd she was trying to plan everything too, atleast I would think before telling people (she had already told our Mother-In-Law, SIL, and had invitations ready for crafting) about these events she would ask me about my schedule? Especially when she’s been around enough to know I’m incredibly busy with school and graduating the same week as the wedding? I’m trying to think she means well and is just very naive (with a law degree?).
I’m atleast 12 years younger than his siblings somaybe they she’s jsut forgotten what it’s like. I think she meant well.. Im just a freaking push over and I let this stuff get to me sometimes. I hate declining generosity.
Thanks for your own stories… for some reason I love reading them 🙂