(Closed) Do any of you have a problem with being “one of the guys” in your group?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8353 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2011

I am so sorry…

But it is kind of a compliment, even though it is offensive. I would be offended too. I would have your Fiance explain it to them. They probably are telling you the truth about it all being “good fun”, but they should also know that you are a lady and should be treated as such.

Post # 5
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I used to be ‘one of the guys’ back in college. First of all, it’s pretty safe to assume they’re calling you ‘jiggly’ because of your chest or backside, not because you’ve gained weight anywhere else. Those are typically the areas boys notice first :P.

As far as dealing with the details goes, I would typically just tell them “TMI, I don’t want to know!” and they would back off. If your guys don’t, just make it very, very clear that you don’t want to know those details, and even leave the room for a convenient bathroom break or to go grab a drink or whatever. Hopefully they’ll get the point.

If they keep it up with the ham crap, tell your Fiance that it hurts your feelings and ask him to talk to the guys. He can just tell them that making fun of a woman’s weight is never okay, and they’ll be single for the rest of their lives if they don’t get that one down :P.

Post # 6
Member
767 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Yeah, I think it’s a fine line. If they see you as a friend and are comfortable around you then you’re going to get these comments. It’s not appropriate, and it would really hurt my feelings too (but I also don’t have any *close* guy friends). If you’re going to say something you might want to approach the guys one on one. In a group guys can just egg each other on and not want to seem sensitive or else they’ll get teased too. Try not to take it to heart, they’re just messing around the way they know how. 

Post # 7
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Eek!

If I were in your shoes, I would start acting (very vocally and visibly) like a Lady around them. When they get crass or too personal, just stand up, excuse yourself, and say you’d rather not listen to that kind of conversation. Go sit at the bar, get another drink, use the restroom, whatever, and when you come back, pointedly ask “Are you finished being gross?” or something to that extent, and introduce a new topic of conversation.

That or go Girl Respect Police on their booties – “Wow, that’s incredibly degrading.” “I can’t imagine why any woman would want to be with someone so disrespectful.” “You do realize that the woman you’re discussing is someone’s daughter, and probably someone’s future wife, right?”

Anything to show that that kind of talk is not acceptable around you.

As for calling you names or making fun of your appearance/weight gain, don’t ever give in to the temptation to “laugh it off” of you’ll make them think it’s okay. I would use a school teacher voice with them and say something like, “I appreciate that you want to give me a nickname, but I don’t appreciate the cruel/unflattering/disrespectful nature of the one you’ve chosen. Please don’t insult me in that way again.”

Post # 8
Member
2392 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I think a lot of our groups of friends consider me “one of the guys.” I think the trick is to give it as well as you get it.  Are they talking about having sex with a girl?  Talk about what you did with their sister, or tell them that’s just how their kid brother likes it.  Are they making comments about your weight?  Rip them on the size of their chubby.

I do think you could also go the route @daydreamwanderer suggested if that’s what you’re more comfortable doing.  Or take some things more friendly, but do the “stop, serious take” look and tell them that you’d rather they don’t mention your weight if they care about you.  But a lot of this is probably friendly teasing – treating you the way they treat each other.

Post # 9
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I have to say, most of my friends are of the male persuasion, and I’ve never, ever had one of them speak to me the way they did to you. That is not okay.

My (hugely unhelpful and not recommended) reaction would be to knee the next person to use that nickname in the nuts.  They see you as one of the boys?  Fine – then they’d best be prepared for you to respond like one.

Honestly, I’m pretty pissed at your Fiance, too.  All that matters is that someone said something that hurt your feelings, and it’s his job to make that person see sense if s/he isn’t listening to you.

Post # 10
Member
2829 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh I feel you, I moved up north to live with my partner, and the men out number the women 4:1. That being said, I know how it feels to be surrounded by less than ‘polite’ company.

I’m a snarky little b*tch, and I always have been, so I would be likely to do similar to what @Entangled   suggested, specifically their Too Much Information booty rants — a mans ego is often strongly based in his sexual prowess.

I think that a little of column a,b and c (giving as good as they give it, walking away from the situation & talking to your partner) would work well to try and get them to treat you more respectfully.

I think a big part of it is that the guys that work in isolated areas for so long forget what it’s like to treat women like women. Don’t be shy to set boundaries and remind them.

Post # 12
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@mrs.peters.to.be: Just remember to be kind to yourself and not let them get away with that crap just because they’re men. That totally doesn’t give them a right to be jerks!

Post # 13
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I’m sorry that this is upsetting you but I do truely think that they’re being honest in their protests that they meant no harm and that it is all in good fun!

I’m also “one of the guys” and have heard all sorts of interesting stories.  Honestly though, its never really bothered me.  I actually prefer sometimes crude guys to catty, backstabbing girls.  They also joke around and tease me (and Darling Husband for that matter) and most of the group (including me and DH) have nicknames.  I just know that they wouldn’t feel comfortable joking around and giving me a hard time if they didn’t truely like me and see me as a good friend.

If you don’t like hearing about their sexual encounters, get up and walk away.  And I do think your Fiance should support you regarding the ham comments if they continue (although that currently appears to be a one-time, off-handed comment).

Sorry this is giving you grief!

Post # 14
Member
52 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - The Whitney

I’m about to not be popular, but I’ve been where you are. After living in Nashville for 3 years, I’ve only made 3 female friends. DH’s friends are mostly single – only 2 have gf’s and I’m not a fan of either.

When you’re out with a bunch of guys you’re in their world. The fact that they are being um…revealing…about stuff in front of you means that they are comfortable with you and like you. Don’t try to change them.

The Jiggly comment no doubt hurt your feelings. DH’s friend made comments about me gaining weight and I was hurt and pissed. As a PP said, they probably noticed it in your boobs or butt. The next time someone comments, turn it around and joke about their wrinkles, grey hair, bald spot, beer gut, etc. Say it with a smile and a small laugh. I would bet my life that they aren’t trying to hurt your feelings. Guys show they like (platonic!) someone by insulting them.

If you pull out this: “That or go Girl Respect Police on their booties – “Wow, that’s incredibly degrading.” “I can’t imagine why any woman would want to be with someone so disrespectful.” “You do realize that the woman you’re discussing is someone’s daughter, and probably someone’s future wife, right?” You will automatically be the nagging woman that their poor friend is about to marry. It’s a huge party foul and it will make them very uncomfortable with you. It sucks. If something they say does make you really uncomfortable, say something in private to that person.

 

 

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