(Closed) Do any other brides feel like your un-married friends are jealous of you?

posted 4 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 1
Member
2138 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I have a best friend, lets call her Lucy. Lucy and I have been friends since we were 6 years old, and always discussed being Maid/Matron of Honor at each other’s weddings.

Lucy has been with her boyfriend (lets call him Jack) for 6 years. For the last 3 years, she’s been hoping he’ll propose to her, and getting increasingly impatient.

I met my Darling Husband 3 years ago, and our relationship got serious very quickly. A year after we got together, he proposed to me. When I called Lucy, she got really upset that I had gotten engaged before her. I felt a bit disappointed by her reaction and bad for her, but I understood that she was upset and I wished that Jack would have proposed to her as well. I asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor anyway. She accepted but was really weird about it, and after telling me that most of my wedding ideas were stupid, we finally had a discussion where she admitted that she didn’t want to walk down the aisle and not be wearing a wedding dress. So.. I understood, and she just came to the wedding as a normal guest. Jack was invited to the wedding too, but he didn’t want to come.

After the wedding, Lucy told me that our wedding was horrible for her, that she ended up crying in the toilets because Jack hadn’t come and because she wasn’t married. Again, I felt bad for her and tried to support her. But I did also feel upset that she wasn’t happy for me.. I mean, when she got together with Jack I was delighted for her, even though at the time I was single after a recent break-up, and she hasn’t been happy for me this whole time.

She’s been asking me for advice about Jack, but no matter what advice I give her (stay with him, leave him..etc), she said ”Well it’s alright for you,  you’re married!”. She’s also been complaining about me behind my back to some friends of ours, saying ”Amanda doesn’t understand me anymore, she’s this ‘married woman’ now and she has it all.. and I have nothing.”

I’d like to save our friendship but I don’t want to feel like I have to apologize for being happy..especially when no happiness is destined to necesarily last, and friends should be there to support each other, not to envy each other. Any advice?

Post # 2
Member
9790 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I dont have much advice other than… Lucy is a selfish twit. Just continue to be loving and kind, that’s all you can do- the rest is her problem.

And yes, my high school best friend is 2 years older and salty as hell I am getting married, along with 2 other ladies in our group, and she’s found herself single again. She makes comments, but I just say “your time will come”. I know it’s not personal or my fault/problem so I don’t sweat it. I also don’t text her a endless wedding updates but I did ask her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. I wasn’t about to leave her out because she’s panicked- she always has guys orbiting her and will be married soon enough! I think it’s incredibly awful your friend couldn’t bear to be in your wedding. Also- 6 years? It’s time to dump Jack, it ain’t happening.

Post # 3
Member
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF

Wow, Lucy sounds horrendous. 

And awkward.

But mostly horrendous.

One of my best and oldest friends, who is also one of my MOHs, has been with her Boyfriend or Best Friend for 6 years. I am fairly confident that they will end up married to one another when the time is right. That being said, when my Fiance and I got engaged after about 6 months, I was so hesitant to tell her because I felt strange marrying before her. It wasn’t a logical fear but it did creep into my head that maybe she’d be upset…

Nope! She’s been so unbelievably happy and excited for me. The support I’ve gotten from her is amazing and it’s truly made me grateful to have such a kind person in my life. If jealousy has crossed her thoughts, her actions and words to me have been far from it. I can’t imagine how sad you must have been to realize that one of your dearest friends was too selfish to share in your happiness.

Quite frankly, it sucks but I think you need to step back from the friendship. You’ve done everything right and it’s not fair that Lucy’s friendship is contingent upon you being miserable as well.

Post # 4
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

My BFF is 100% happy for me, but she does sometimes wish she had someone like Fiance in her life. Fortunately, unlike Lucy, my BFF is a mature, self-confident adult.

Post # 5
Member
258 posts
Helper bee

I know she’s your friend and she is important to you but what on earth do her desires about marriage have to do with you? She is punishing you for something you aren’t responsible for! There was no reason for her to act up the way she did, it’s pure selfishness. That’s not very helpful I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, I wouldn’t accept this behavior from people.

Post # 6
Member
2138 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Thanks for your replies!

MrsBuesleBee:  liameowchelle:  

I think what bothers me is that I’ve been starting to feel a bit resentful towards her for continuing to be negative all the time, and sort of almost like saying to her that she needs to be a little less self-centered.. that being happy for other people actually makes you much happier yourself, and also attracts happy people to you..

But I feel like if I say that to her she’ll just tell me I’m ”preaching at her”.. so I don’t know. I don’t think Jack will ever propose to her anyway, because 6 years is a long time and there’s nothing really holding them back (he has enough money, they have somewhere to live, etc..).. and I don’t get a ”reliable” vibe from him (although he’s never made much effort to actually get to know me, so I don’t know). 

Every time I see her she gives me a list of everyone who have got engaged recently (the postman’s daughter, the neighbor’s cousin, etc..) and expects me to sympathize with her, but I’m just kind of past that point :-/

There’s not much I can do I guess, but I don’t really like becoming a hypocritical person bitching about my friend online… I’m just wondering if I should actually tell her that she needs to be less negative, try and give her some real advice and risk that she might take it badly?

Post # 7
Member
3281 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Envy is fine but jealousy is not. 

I noticed a lot of jealousy from former friends who were single moms. 

One of them insulted my husband repeatedly and put me down every time he did something nice for me. She was just bitter because her daughter’s father left and guys only wanted to have FWB arrangements. 

I don’t think that Lucy is a good friend. I understand that she is hurting but she shouldn’t take it out on you. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  amiona.
Post # 8
Member
1231 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Jealous? No.  But I do have single friends who think that marriage will solve all their problems.  That when, and only when, they get married they will finally be truly happy.  

I think you should let her know that marriage isn’t all sunshine and roses.  You don’t have to exaggerate, just let her know about little disagreements and that even if Jack proposed tomorrow, there’s no such thing as a perfect life.  I really wish my married friends had told me more about their little arguments, and hadn’t perpetuated the “and they lived happily ever after!” mentality.    

Post # 9
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Not really…my friends have all been happy for me, just as I have been when great things happen for them. I may have something some of them want by being married, but they all have great things going on in their lives, like better careers, or kids, or owned their own homes first, so I think at one time or another we’ve all been envious of something each other had, but we’ve never let it affect our friendship.

Post # 10
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee

I have friends who clearly feel quite the opposite and don’t understand why I want to get married, especially since I’ve been married once already. These friends are pushing 30, still single, never been in serious relationships so I get that they don’t understand.

I’m more the one to be envious/a little jealous since I’m not getting married nearly as quickly as I’d like to haha

amanda3334455: I would attempt a real conversation. You’d be doing her a favor if she realizes maybe your’re right and can finally be happy. If she takes it badly she might be upset but if she’s going to continue the negative vibes….. I’d say it’s worth the risk.

Post # 11
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

amanda3334455:  Wow, your friend is obnoxious. I think you’re totally within your rights to tell her to stfu.

Post # 12
Member
9790 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

amanda3334455:  yes I hear you. I think you could do one of two things : limit contact and smile/nod and preemptively forgive her. Or you could wait till she says something particularly pointed and give her a well deserved verbal wrist slap.

“BFF I love you, but I am sick of these comments and wish you could be happy for me. My relationship and engagement has zero percent to do with yours. So stop putting mine down and comparing- it’s not fair. If Jack is not making you happy it’s time you left him and stood up for yourself. “

then get some distance. She might be pissed at first but hopefully sees the errors of her ways and comes back with an apology. If not, well then she really sucks. 

 

Post # 13
Member
2138 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

canadajane:  Oh I’ve tried that.. I’ve told her that marriage won’t suddenly change her relationship with Jack for the better (she seems to think that it will), and that my relationship with my Darling Husband isn’t any different than before.. we’ve had just as many little arguments from time to time and really apart from my name and the ring on my finger my life is the same minus the ”wedding planning”. But she said ”Yeah, that’s what all married women say… it’s alright for you… at least you got the committment out of him..”

I will try and have a real conversation with her next time I see her.

Post # 14
Member
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

 

amanda3334455:  My best friend got married in 2010 which was basically the lowest point i have had so far in my romantic life. Literally 3 days after one of the worst heartbreaks of my life she called me to tell me she was engaged. She was hesitant but wanted to share the news with her bff. I cried. Half because I was so happy for her and half because I was so sad for myself. I had to end that conversation quickly. I accepted the role and was with her every step of the way. It was incredibly hard to watch someone I loved so much get everything I also wanted for myself and to deal with feeling so bad for feeling that selfish. But it was a natural way to feel. It didn’t mean I wasn’t happy for her, I was. I think everyone has a different way of handling these kinds of emotions and sometimes we just fail at it.

I don’t think I would say I was jealous. I think it was more that watching her be so happy just highlighted how unhappy I was. It had nothing to do with nto wanting her to have her own happiness. It also wasn’t me hating on her. But it’s just so hard to be that sad and be constantly faced with so much love and happiness. It just made me mourn that much more for the love I had lost. I did a good job of handling it, but maybe your friend isn’t tha tstrong and maybe she’s just hit a breaking point.

I would try and mend the friendship by talking with her first and seeing if you two can find some middle ground. I think more than anything she needs support, even if she wasn’t able to give any to you during your happy time. If she’s truly your best friend, this is what I recommend you do, because I know how hard it was for me and I would be so devastated if I was not only unhappy in my love life but that I also lost my bff because I couldn’t be stronger.

 

Good luck OP.

Post # 15
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

amanda3334455:  This is what happens when women, and the people around them, treat marriage as the greatest thing a woman can “achieve.” She gets bitter over something that is not much different from her already committed, long-term relationship and/or she stays with an undeserving person just to be Mrs. Jerk off. Much better to be Ms. Single than Mrs. Jerk Off. I do not understand that way of thinking. I feel bad for women that have been fed that particular type of Kool Aid. God bless her.

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 11 months ago by  Syzygy88.

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