Post # 1
Hey guys….I’ve been a devout member of the hive for a while but I’m assuming a new name to ask a question.
My fiance is a teacher and last year we had a little “issue.” He was seeing another woman at work and talking bad to her about me. When I found out and confronted him he said it was innocent and that he would stop contact immediately. I found out a few weeks later nothing had changed and they were still in constant contact and meeting outside of work. I confronted him again, told him I was leaving, gave him back the ring and I was done. He came chasing after me, made every attempt to make things better, and things were a lot better. He came home right after work, didn’t go out with friends anymore, and his overall attitude towards me improved. At the point that he started seeing her we had already been engaged for almost a year.
I don’t think that my fiance would ever physically cheat on me, and that’s why I accepted him back. It’s been since March that things have been well. But school’s starting back up again for him tomorrow and I am really nervous that there will be a repeat event. In his profession, he is surrounded by women all day (he’s the only male teacher in his school) and I don’t want to constantly be worried about everything.
Every time I bring it up he tells me that “We’re getting married! I wouldn’t do that to you!” But we were engaged last time, and you still did…. I don’t trust him very much.
Let me say, I love him dearly. I can’t see myself going through life with anyone else. The way he lights up my life, makes me smile and laugh, I know we’re meant to be. I guess this is just my nerves. I don’t want to go through those emotions again. What do I do?
Post # 3
I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Yes, he screwed up by starting this in the first place, but he’s made an effort to change in order to keep you around. If he’s willing to screw that up a second time, don’t stand for it. You don’t want to preemptively leave him though, if you honestly feel like you belong together. So, let him go back to work and see if his behavior starts changing like it was before. Best wishes and I hope things work out for you!
Post # 4
Sounds like you have some serious thinking to do. Do you really want to be going through this “happy” process having to wonder if he’s faithful?
Post # 5
Hopefully you are already doing couples counseling. If not, I’d recommend it sooner rather than later. You need to work on rebuilding trust, and it often helps to have an objective 3rd party working with you on that.
Post # 6
Personally, I would have trust issues. Caught once, a bad mistake, the second time would have hit me harder. You said he comes right home after work and doesn’t go out with his friends. Does he ever invite you to come meet up with his friends or includes you in his outings. If not, that would be a red flag for me. Counseling may be in order. Trust is a biggie.
Post # 7
ahh i was in the same situation!!!!! me and finace had been together for over a year and he cheated and when i say he cheated he went all out and slept with 3 different girls!!!! to give some background my boyfriend and i had taken a little break but we still went out 2 times a week he wrote me i love you everymorning and called to see what i was doing we would have lunch together and we were still walways together. so to me thats not a break!!! well during this break he slept with 3 different girls and i found out at his birthday party!!!! and those girls were there. i confronted him and was so mad and upset, i didnt speak to him for weeks. the entire time he called and begged and pleaded for me. i didnt want to be what my friends call “a stupid girl” i know i deserve better then that!!!! well after a lot of talking , talking with our pastor, our parents, and months past i was able to forgive him. i feel god forgives us for our wrongs and we are human and as a chrsitian i also need to learn to forgive. it was now been 2.5 years and he is so devoted to me and my happiness. he has completly changed and is still so sorry for what he did to me. but we have been able to regain and rebuild the trust back into our relationship. we have been engaged for 6 months now and i absolutly love him!!! i think you guys need to think things through and be able to rebuild that trust in him as you never want to think that hes doing something as that can be just as harmful to your marriage as if he was really. maybe talk to someone so that you can learn to forgive and learn on the rebuilding process!!!!
Post # 8
I’m with Mrs. DG and her advice to couple’s counseling. Your husband works with a majority of women and it’s understandable (to a degree) that shares with his co-workers. We all do it at some level. Look at all the sharing going on here. But, it is not okay to spend time outside work with others when it’s being kept secret. I wish you all the best.
Post # 9
Wow, umm have you reset a date? Or anything? Or are you just being engaged for now? My guy and I had a similiar issue awhile back. We have a daughter together and it was while he was finishing up his degree. We weren’t living together at the time because I wasn’t going to move in with him just because we had a baby. He left his phone in my car one day and as I was driving home someone texted him. Turns out out he had texted some girl the night before asking if she wanted to get frisky. I confronted him and he cried and promised nothing had ever happened between them. Turns out he had been drinking (he comes from a long line of alcoholics). I gave the ring back and it took a long time for us to be ok again. And he knows, I have told him, if I ever find out something like that is happening again I will leave and take our daughter before he even knows that I know and he won’t hear from me again. He has been good for three years now, cut out the drinking, and we are back on track.
I have another story about the teaching thing. My sister and her husband were separated, they had been together forever married right after having a child (which they did after having several problems and thinking of splitting up). He started talking to a fellow teacher at work, who was/is married, and started dating her. He now spends more time with her and her child than his own children; him, her, and her daughter are the screen saver on his phone.
I hope you find your own answers because it is very hard to deal with after something like this has happened. Like you said you love him, maybe that is enough. I would never tell someone to stay or go because that is a deeply personal choice. I stayed because I knew he knew he did wrong and I know he won’t do it again because he knows I will be gone. That’s a lot to know, but that’s how we’ve made it.
Post # 10
We haven’t signed up for counseling because no one in either of our family knows about what happened. I think that showing we were in counselling wouold maybe say we weren’t ready and that would cause a lot of drama in the families. (his mother LOVES talking about people behind their backs!) Even if we tried to keep it secret, he tells people EVERYTHING.
Post # 11
Maybe this is going to sound harsh and maybe you and everyone else disagree, but I have to say it……leave. Get out of that relationship and find someone you can trust, someone that would never think about doing anything to hurt you because he loves you too much. I know I know, people make mistakes. When it comes to cheating, things become too serious to just forgive and continue a strong, healthy relationship. Forgivness is one thing, but forgive and move on. You deserve better! Nobody deserves to be cheated on, no matter how far the cheating goes. Unfortunately, chances are it will happen again. I hate to say that, but I also hate for you to stay with someone and spend the rest of your life worried about what hes doing, where he is. I hope you know how special you are and you make the best decision for yourself.
Post # 12
@lolo21: IMO, posting on a message board with a title saying “Do I Call It Off” should be weigh heavier on you than the possibility that your family would judge your relationship problems. I don’t mean to be rude by saying that, but if you do not trust him, your main focus should get help to work through the issues in your relationship or to decide if the relationship is salvagable. I believe that it can be if you are both willing to work at it.
You could always tell your families that you are just getting premarital counseling, and not that there are any issues.
Post # 13
i would not be imbarresed to tell my family !!! when it happened to me my mommy was the first person i called and cried to. she insisted we talk to out pastor which we did. he was not judgmental or anything. it really helps to talk to someone ANYONE that you both are comfortable with.
Post # 14
Thank you guys for all the help. I think we still have some thinking and talking to do. More advice would help!
Post # 15
I can only tell you what I would do and I would leave. I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life worrying- and he did cheat. He cheated emotionally which to me is so much worse than physically (even though physical is a deal breaker as well).
I’m just not sure I’d want to be with a man who talked about me with other women. The reason I say this is because I confided in a male friend and immediatley I felt our relationship become strange. We went to highschool together and he randomly contacted me a few years ago- he was stationed in Iraq. I figured he was lonely so we spoke via email every now and again. I was going through a dark time with my in laws and confided a few details in him and he offered advice. We stopped talking for a few years because we both got busy and we’re not that great of friends. A few weeks ago he contacted me via facebook chat. He started analyzing my life, asking if I was happy. I told him yes and he kept trying to poke holes in my theory.
What I’m trying to say is confiding in a member of the opposite sex is sometimes a mistake. It makes a relationship odd and I regret doing it as I feel this guy took it as there was something lacking in my life he could fulfill.
I stopped having contact with this person without my husband asking because it made me uncomfortable. What bothers me about your situation is your fiance got caught and still saw the other person.
Best of luck.
Post # 16
You said that he was seeing this woman, but did not physically cheat on you, correct? Are you certain that is the reality or just do not think it is in his character?
Frankly, if you are certain that he did not physically cheat on you, I would still be very upset about him saying “bad” things about you. You didn’t mention what the nature of these comments were, but that kind of skews my opinion one way or the other. If you and your Fiance had a fight, and you said or did hurtful things, its possible he just thought he was venting to a friend about it, which is innocent enough (although you made need to have a talk about what you consider okay to share with others). But if he was actually talking down about you, that is a whole other issue.
Being able to trust your SO to have friends, regardless of gender, and to have that same trust is very important to me personally. I know that my Fiance *knows* better and trusts me, but will let his jealousy get the better of him sometimes and it leads to arguments between us. We are currently working on this.
My advice would be that if he is cheating on you or talking down about you, he doesn’t respect you like he should and you should leave. I don’t know if we have enough facts, and if you feel like you want to work on it because it isn’t quite either of those situations, see someone for counseling. You need to be able to trust your Fiance to keep certain things between the two of you, and if you can’t trust him enough to keep the counseling private, in my opinion, it boils down to his respect for you and your feelings. Relationships are hard work and you will deal with arguments, difficult issues, and jealousies at one point or another, but I don’t believe that respect is negotiable. If he doesn’t respect you and your opinions and feelings, there is no reason for you to stay.