- 4 years ago
When I joined this site, I never imagined I’d be posting something like this. I just want a little bit of advice (minus the harsh judgment) from anyone who may have been in my situation before. I met my fiance and we moved VERY quickly. After two weeks (yes, 2), he asked me to marry him and I said “yes”. Typing it out here sounds silly even to me but at the time, it felt right.
We were long distance for those two weeks of “dating” and for 8 months after that until he was able to move to my country, and city. He moved in with me and 6 days after his arrival we got into our first “fight”. He complained to his family/friends that my iPad was too slow and kinda “old” and that he wanted another tablet. After hearing him talk trash about my stuff, I finally said to him JOKINGLY that I think he’s kinda being a brat about it. He gave me the silent treatment for 4 hours during a road trip that I set up (and paid for) for Labor Day weekend.
Later during our first month of living together he gave me the silent treatment AGAIN, this time for FOUR DAYS because he said I “disrespected his mom” when in fact, his mom told me verbatim she did not feel that way and she went on to say that she appreciated our conversation. I cried about it telling him how hurt I was that he would treat me like that for something so small and he apologized.
Once we got into a fight and he threatened to leave me if I called my mom or his mom or his aunt for advice on how to deal with all our problems. Because of that fight (I can’t even remember what the fight was about), he refused to go to a concert that I had bought tickets for months prior. $150 lost down the drain. Another fight we had was a day of a potluck/cooking contest we had planned with friends. Because of the fight, he refused to go to the event. I had to beg him and plead when he finally agreed to go. We had to go to the grocery store to buy ingredients on our very tight budget and he had a sour attitude with me after I was hesitant to to buy MORE groceries when the bill was already almost $100. That’s our grocery budget for one week and he wanted to blow it on a friendly potluck.
Once we were in the mall and I pulled him in one direction saying “babe, let’s check this out!”. He said that me pulling his arm was disrespectful and an indication that I am trying to control his will. If I absentmindedly took something out of his hand (ex: remote control) he said that was disrespectful.
One day we were schedueld to go to my cousin’s wedding. I was supposed to be a bridesmaid in her wedding but I dropped out to prepare financially for my “new life” with my fiance. Long story short, he spent the entire morning on the phone with his sister and hadn’t gone to the mall to get what he needed or get a haircut by the time we needed to start getting ready. He finally resolved that it was MY FAULT for not reminding him of the time and the fact that he needed to go to the mall (even tho we had fought BEFORE when I tried to remind him of timeliness–he told me he’s not a little boy and he can keep time for himself). He then said he wasn’t going to the wedding anymore. I was DEVASTATED. So naturally, I begged him to go and explained that we RSVP’d and they’d spent a lot of money on us so it would be really bad not to go. He didn’t care about that. Anyway, he finally agreed and I suggested I quickly drop him off at the store (we share a car– MY CAR) while I come home and get ready to save time. I was HIGHLY annoyed…pissed even…because he wasted so much time doing nothing and now we had to rush. In the car on the way there, he starts SCREAMING that I need to slow down the car, breaks down CRYING and punching the air. When we get to the store, he RUNS out of the car and slams the door. A couple of hours later he returned home via Uber and asked me if I still planned on going. *confused face* We get to the wedding, with my sister in tow and basically he treats us both like CRAP as if I did something to him.
Another time I had to talk with him because I didn’t like some things he said about my sister (he said she’s nothing but a f**** teacher), he got super defensive and it turned into ANOTHER FIGHT. I had a conference for work that day at which I had to give a presentation so in an effort to save time, I told him that I no longer wanted to have the discussion because it had already become volatile and I was running late. I went to the bathroom to have a shower. Minutes into my shower, he came into the bathroom asking me “WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”. I replied that I wanted nothing– I simply wanted to take my shower. He left the bathroom and came back with a large and sharp KNIFE to his neck asking me the same question. At that point I panicked and got out of the shower crying hysterically…threatening to call the police. He said he didn’t care and told me not to take any steps closer to him. With each step I took, he drove the knife deeper into his kneck all the while threating to hurt himself. THIS IS A TRUE STORY. I finally fell to the kitchen floor crying and then he dropped the knife, came to me and said “i’m sorry– i just wanted you to listen to me”. Literally…WTF? I was late to my conference and had to get myself together mentally before speaking to a large group of people.
He used to pressure me to engage in smoking marijuana with him and I vehemently refused. He said that he wants us to do it together and be intimate while “high” and because I have refused, it’s affecting our sex life. Sorry it that is Too Much Information. In all fairness, he’s stopped making this request several months ago and hasn’t brought it up again.
We have fought on/before every holiday– Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years. On the day of my birthday party, we fought– he lashed out at me because I said he was moving “slow” and asked if he could hurry up. He was in charge of music. The party started at 7p, guests had arrived– it was 830p and he hadn’t set up the music. Any celebrant would be visibly annoyed. My cousin and her husband were the ones helping stall guests during this time. When we finally went up to the party, he sat back and watched me drag a heavy cooler of drinks out from the kitchen for the guests. Other guys saw me struggle and asked if they could help me all while my fiance sat in his seat and looked at me. He was angry at me for saying he was “SO SLOW”. When we got home from the party around 3am, he left me outside in our apartment complex and quikcly went into the house while I struggled to carry all the perishable food items out of the car. It was dark (3am), we had to park very far from our building and there were quite a lot of items I had to gather all alone.
Our last major fight was about one month ago. I had been hospitalized for a few days and had been on bedrest for a while. I hadn’t been able to go out anywhere for a month so when I finally got some physical strenght, I asked if we could go to a restaurant/bar that we usually frequent. He agreed but on the drive there he asked me if I was going to drink alcohol. Background: he’d asked me this question twice before and I said “NO” because the meds I were on restrict alcohol intake. So on the drive there when he asked me again, I was annoyed and it showed in my tone of voice. We get to the bar and long story short, he doesn’t really engage me and looks at his phone the whole time. I tried severally to get him to talk but it wasn’t working. I finally said to him “do you think you’re good company right now? Would YOU like to be aorund yourself?” That was it. I decided just to have them pack my food up to go and we went home. The next day I told him how he really hurt my feelings because it was the first time in a month I’d been able to leave the house and he didn’t even talk to me while we were there. He erupted and I told him that whenever I talked to him about stuff, he’s not able to compose himself– he always gets pissed off, screams, leaves the apt, etc. He went into a fit of rage and I had to call his aunt (who is also my mom’s friend) and tell her what was going on. It was like midnight and he was screaming, threatening to leave the house and ripping off all his clothes. In that rage session, he told me 1, I ruined his life, 2, the worst decision he ever made was deciding to marry me and 3, I’m evil. The next day after the dust “settled” he finally told me that he doesn’t want to be in the relationship anymore because he’s misearble. He had threatened this about 3xs before but this time he said he was “serious” and it wasn’t like those other times. I begged and told him that we could try more prayer/counseling and he agreed to stay. Days later he would apologize for all he said and we were “back in love”.
We have already booked a wedding venue, photographer, decorator and I’ve purchased my dress. When we signed the contract at our venue, he said that his family would contribute to the costs and he would too when he began working (he moved here from another country so he had to wait until he was able to work). 50% of our balance is due to the venue coming up and his family has not sent one dime and he has not contributed at all either. He still has not started working. I’ve been supporting us financially and have made all payments towards the wedding thus far. I don’t think I should have to pay for it all on my own and I recently communicated that to him so now we are going to have to cancel and postpone the wedding.
To make a long story short– we have fought every single week since September. I have not had one full week of peace since he moved here. He has begged for forgiveness from my parents, me and his whole family. He has vowed to change and says he now sees the error in his ways. We haven’t had a fight since that major one last month but the problem is, my feelings have completely changed. I feel no sparks, no trust, no love. Early in our relationship, he would tell him family all sorts of personal things about me that I shared with him in confidence. Each fight we had, he would talk to them about it and expose me and my family too. I don’t think I’m in love with him anymore. In my heart, I don’t think I should go through with this marriage but to be 100% honest and vulnerable, I am scared about having to start over at 30….am I too old? Is my clock ticking? What if I don’t find someone else? I don’t want to end up “old and alone”. I also feel kinda guilty for feeling this way NOW since we haven’t had a fight in a month and because he gave up SO MUCH to move here for me. What if he has in fact changed and our love rekindles again? I feel like I’d be making a mistake to miss out on it…. He repeatedly declares how much he loves me he says so with so much PASSION…
Any kind words/advice will help.