(Closed) Do I call off the wedding? CONFUSED! HELP!

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

pinkivy2017 :  I WAS ENGAGED TO THIS GUY! SERIOUSLY!  Right down to the knife to his neck (my ex was crying after we broke up that he was going to kill himself if I didn’t take him back).

Get out now! These guys are controlling jerks. Everything was always my fault – from the time he locked the keys in the car – to the cost of gas being too high – to not cleaning the dust on the top of my door frames (that was disrespecting his mother).

Over time I was left with no friends, I was a nervous wreck anything would set him off, and I had such low self-esteem I couldn’t get dressed in the morning without him telling me what to wear.

We actually had a fight at our engagement party. He refused to speak to me the whole party. When you talk about how he doesn’t speak to you, or refuses to go to functions with you, I completely understand. My ex also would never spend his own money – it was always my money that we had to spend if we went to dinner. His theory was it was my idea to go to dinner, so I had to pay for it.

I broke up with him a few months before the wedding. Everything was already booked – I lost all the deposits, but I didn’t care. I was so depressed I was dreaming about caskets, and finding comfort in the idea of death. It was time to go – no matter how much money I lost.

After I broke up with him he seriously lost his mind – so I’d carefully plan your break up with him. If he’s anything like my ex, they have the ‘boy next door” look about them – but they are frightening when they are angry. I was fortunate enough to have my own apartment, but it was in the same building as him – so I didn’t have to go through the trouble of moving out. He claimed that I broke up with him to sleep with a new boyfriend (not true!), so he would do crazy stuff like hide in my closet, waiting for me to bring home a boyfriend; or sit in the hall all night listening through my door. I was frightened to death when he jumped out of my closet at 3am, assuming I was with some random guy.

The best thing I ever did was break up with my fiance. I dated him 6 years – from ages 16-22 – and it took me many years to get my self-esteem back. I still have a near nervous breakdown when people come to visit for fear they will find dust somewhere. I met a great guy soon afterwards, married him in less than a year – and he’s the kindest, nicest person in the world. Don’t stick with this guy because you’re afraid you will be alone. You don’t deserve to be treated so badly.

If you have any questions please PM me. Big hugs to you.

 

Post # 107
Member
1300 posts
Bumble bee

There are worse things than being alone. You’re living through one of them now. 

I agree with PPs, you need to be careful with how you extricate yourself from this toxic relationship. He sounds unstable. 

Post # 108
Member
13 posts
Newbee

pinkivy2017:

The very fact that you went to so much trouble to document all of  the negative that this psychopath (and sorry, that’s what he is) has done, means that you already know what you need to do. No opinions were even necessary.

Why would you accept all of this negativity and abuse in your life? You certainly don’t deserve it.  No one does.

Thirty is YOUNG. You have no idea how young it is until you look in the mirror at age 60. Most of your life is still ahead of you. Live it to the fullest whether alone, or with someone who has a healthy mind and an appreciation of you. 

Don’t ever settle. Make it a priority to protect yourself and get away from him. NOW. You will almost certainly be a statistic if you don’t.

Best of luck to you. 

Post # 109
Member
450 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Call off the wedding, and please seek somewhere safe to be (a friend’s house, your mum’s house) when you leave him. As PPs have said, be very careful in getting out of the relationship. Reach out to a safe house, a place of worship, any place that might be able to protect you. 

You do not have to endure being in a relationship with him. You are worth much more than that. 

Best of luck to you. 

Post # 110
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

I’ve been in a situation similar to this (nowhere near this scary!) and I never regretted getting tf out.

 

100% agree with PPs.  You need to lock your bank accounts/change your credit cards/make sure YOU get back any deposits that you can (not him)– you need to do this like tonight.  

Even if you aren’t ready to call off the wedding.

Post # 111
Member
91 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Sounds like my ex. You need to get out now. It will never get better and it will only get worse and worse. It always gets a little more violent each time. And you’ve already gone through one incident with a knife. I shudder to think what he has up his sleeve next time.

Also you need to pack your things and stay with family or friends. You need to tell as many people as you can trust about this. Document everything and make sure people know. If he does anything to you, you’ll need people who can advocate for you. You should also get a restraining order against this guy. And I would really suggest speaking to a counselor. In my experience the counselor helped a lot as there’s a lot of emotional trauma to work through after a situation like this. 

I really applaud you for speaking out. I remembered feeling too ashamed to talk to anyone about what was happening and because of that it lasted longer than it should have. This is a good step and I hope you feel empowered to do what you need to do to get yourself out of this situation.  

Post # 112
Member
1593 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

pinkivy2017 :  Please cancel and kick him out. He sounds horrible. You are not too old and it’s better to free yourself from this abusive loser now. 

Post # 113
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I just read through your whole post (didn’t read through all 8 pages of comments).

You are not old at 30! I didn’t meet my current fiance till i was 29 and we dated for almost 3 years before he proposed!! I’ll be 33 when I get married. He is the best guy I’ve ever met and I met him online!

Don’t see yourself short and kick this guy out. I agree with the other bees above. Plan your moves strategically. He sounds unstable and immature…even has characteristics of a sociopath. 

Pack your bags and break it off. Kick him out. Change your locks. Do whatever is needed to get faraway from him as possible.

 

Gluck!!!!

Post # 114
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

pinkivy2017 :  Sounds like he is from a country that has a very different culture to yours. Even though I now live in South Korea, I was raised in US, so I can understand how different people from different cultures find/preceieves things differently. Like when he though you taking something out of his hand or leading him to a specific direction in a market/mall.

HOWEVER, even if we do consider his different background and culture, he has a major tempor problem. Sounds like he is an abuser. period. I get the feeling he’s done it all his life to a lot of people around him.

Many men (and women) promise to “change” after the wedding but believing it is a foolish thing to do, I’m afraid. Changing one’s personality and way of life is so very difficult. Trying to change another person is even harder.

I am sorry you must have had a difficult time since September, but honestly, good riddance.

30 is NOT too late AT ALL! I am 33 and will be getting married at the end of the year. I met my other half when I was 32! So don’t you worry about being “old and alone” as you’ve mentioned. You deserve way better. You deserve to be with the man of your dreams, who will pamper you and spoil you.

Wish I could give you a real hug. (HUG~) XOXO

Post # 115
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

wow! I agree with every single PP… every single one has said to leave him. I think you knew this when you posted, but the affirmation from the sheer number of us has to help, doesn’t it? It also sounds like your mum knows something is up too, so please use the support systems that you have!!

He sounds a lot like my ex TBH- I didn’t know how EASY a good relationship was until I met my now Darling Husband (and FYI- we started dating when I was 29). All of my previous relationships have seemed like so much work, and with my ex-fiance I had the same feelings and thoughts that you do now… So I left and to be perfectly blunt, as much as it hurt, I haven’t looked back. He was a freaking LEECH and your guy sounds like that too.

You can do this, you have support outside of the computer, but we are here too if you need xx

Post # 116
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee

this guy is a freakin’ nutcase! What makes you think he wont hold the knife to your throat next?! would you rather be alone or dead?? Call the police and have them stand there protecting you while he packs his crap and leaves KICK HIMOUT NOW!

Post # 117
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

pinkivy2017 :  omg yes. Call it off. This is insane. 

Post # 118
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Ok, I literally could not keep my jaw from hitting my desk when I got to the part about him putting a KNIFE to his NECK! WHY on earth do you want this man? Girl you honestly deserve better! He sounds like a toxic narcissist and a manipulator and from what you have written here I believe it will be a terrible mistake marrying him. You have all but said this yourself. You say you are worried about your time running out at starting again at 30…I don’t believe this is true (30 is the new 20 after all! wink) but even if it were….It is FAR better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel so unsafe and trashed. Please do not settle for this! Things will not get any better after marriage. He sounds completely unhinged and seems to believe threats of violence are totally ok. At first when reading your post I got flashbacks to my toxic ex who I was sooo glad to be free from, but the more I read the more I realised that your situation seems 5x worse than mine was, and mine sucked the life out of me (drove me to wanting to take my own life just to get away from him. And he was my first love!). It took me years to finally reach the point where i couldn’t take it anymore. Please don’t sign up for a life of this. What if you have children one day (if you want them). How will this completely unstable man be as a father figure to your children? How will he handle other stressful situations in life? You need someone who supports you and puts your needs first. He only puts first his own selfish desires. This is not the man to marry.

I feel so bad for you and I understand how stressful this all is, and how hard it can be to think of calling off a wedding and losing your deposits, as well as the potential embarassment from letting your loved ones know. But you don’t want to sentence yourself to a lifetime of misery just to salvage some dollars and pride.

I really hope the best for you! *hug*

Post # 119
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

pinkivy2017 :  I stopped at the knife. PACK YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE. NOW. 

Post # 120
Member
275 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Girl if you stay with him your concern is not going to be being too old to start over it’s going to be staying ALIVE. He is clearly abusive and it will only get worse. Get out and get support before, during and after. Be extra careful after you leave because that’s the most high risk time. And get counseling to figure out why you chose this relationship and prevent it from happening again. 

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