(Closed) Do I call off the wedding? CONFUSED! HELP!

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 121
Member
6799 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

RUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUNRUN!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously. I’d rather be alone for the rest of my entire life then be with this abusive prick. You are worth more than this. You’re only 30. You have your whole life ahead of you. There is no scenario where you should stay with this guy. None whatsoever. 

Post # 122
Member
219 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  you are absolutely right.  hopefully OP isn’t too love blind to recognize it

Post # 123
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

pinkivy2017 :  girl, RUN. He shows all the signs of an abuser. It will only get worse and eventually turn violent. You need to save yourself and leave him. You are in a unique situation where the abuser is financially dependent on you – usually it is the other way around. Reach out to your family and friends, use your network and get him out of your life. And then MOVE so he is not able to find you. He has already displayed some really scary tendencies and I believe he would not stop just because you end the relationship. This is not just your typical long distance relationship turned local and now we’re not compatible – this is scary for you. 

I am speaking from experience as I survived a domestic abuse relationship. It was very similar. Great while we were aprt until we lived together. Then we fought all the time over the littlest things, everything was always my fault, he belittled me verbally, emotionally abused me in other ways, and eventually became physically abusive and continued to stalk me and threaten me even after we broke up and I started dating my now-husband. 7 years later, he still pops up from time to time if I am in town (we moved cross country for my husband’s job). It is scary to live this way but much less scary than living WITH it, wondering what is going to happen next. PLEASE don’t be scared to reach out to your family and friends. Chances are they are already concerned and don’t know how to address it with you. They want to help you and keep you safe. 

Post # 124
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

pinkivy2017 :  

 

I’m so sorry about this! He is so emotionally abusive and potentially physically abusive. How do you know he won’t pull a knife on you next time?

Marriage doesn’t solve problems. If anything, it makes any existing problems worse. You shouldn’t get married if you’re not happy with the present relationship. You’re worried about being single and 30 (which is in no way old) but you’re not worried about being stuck in an emotionally abusive marriage? 

I’d leave this relationship and wait to meet someone who truly loves and respect you. It is worth it to wait for the right man that you can have a beautiful marriage with. You will regret getting married out of a fear of being alone. 

Post # 125
Member
12 posts
Newbee

Sweetheart please, cut your loses and get the hell out of that relationship YESTERDAY! He is obviously unstable and lashing out like that is absolute abuse! 

Post # 126
Member
8 posts
Newbee

The impression I get is that He is quite clearly not emotionally stable enough or mature enough to get married… to you OR anyone else. Also the rushing towards engagement in the first place (2 weeks of a long distance relationship!?) etc is a red flag, sometimes people who know (consciously or unconsciously) they are deeply flawed in some way push for commitment to try and ‘trap’ the other person into it… but the reality is that you are not really trapped.

Though never engaged to him (despite a lot of pressure on his part), I dated a similar guy once (who turned out to have severe mental health problems including periods of psychosis and bordeline personality disorder, though he’d lied to me about his mental health history). He too had a history of using threats of self-harm and suicide attempts to try and manipulate and punish his family (though not me personally). In his case the random temper tantrums were often a result of confusion in so far as he couldn’t always distinguish between things he’d irrationally worried I might do or just imagined and reality (so he’d get upset about things that hadnt really hppened) but it was often hard to get him to admit to the real reason for it. When he was nice he was charming and attentive but like you I never had any peace in the long term. He left me during one of his erratic moments and although he begged me to take him back soon after I never looked back. I started dating him after a dry spell lastung years without a single date but the reality is that even if I’d been alone forever I’d have been better off than married to him and in reality I met my now fiancé within months of that relationship ending.

Thereis no fairytale ending for you and this man. He may just be very unwell (as my ex was) but these kind of issues are often unfixable and as it stands a dead kipper would make a more suitable husband. Don’t let him stand in the way of finding the future you want.

Post # 127
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

NOPE.

you need to run fast and far.

30 isn’t too old to “start over” plus it’s only been a few months anyway from where you last started.

i would rather live alone with 40 cats for the rest of my life than with the asshole you described in your post, and i genuinely think you need to concern yourself with you right safety and get a lawyer to help you secure your assets.

Post # 128
Member
660 posts
Busy bee

This guy is super emotionally abusive and you need to get out NOW. 

Post # 129
Member
1800 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Yes, you should cancel.  This guy, at best, has mental health issues. (Bipolar disorder comes to mind, but I am not a doctor…)  At worst, he is an emotionally abusive and controlling jerk.  Either way, this is not a healthy or safe relationship.  You deserve better.  Run.

Post # 130
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

He is being very clear with you in regards to what he is like. Only you know how that really feels. Reading what you have written, just like everyone else, I would say you would be happier if you never met anyone else in your life. 30 is nothing and there are a million more things you can do in life than marriage, especially to someone who potentially will make the rest of your life unpredictable and miserable. Whether you find someone later or much later, I would count yourself lucky to have the choice to say you don’t want to go along with this. He clearly has demons but he isn’t fighting them but rather taking the fight out on you. Please don’t make that mistake. 30 is too young. 

Post # 131
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee

Sweetie – even if you feel the “clock is ticking”, let it tick. You have lots of time and this is NOT the right man for you. Please. Please don’t let this continue. You deserve someone that treats you with love and respect.

Post # 132
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Please leave this guy he is not only controlling you he is emotionally abusing you! You deserve better than this!! I am sorry for the money you have spent but a lifetime of misery is far worse!! You are still young and will find someone to love and cherish you! This is not love!! Do not worry about what he says or try’s to make you feel protect yourself now!! This is a very unhealthy unsafe relationship and you need to get out before something bad happens. A relationship is two people working together not o e person doing everything and the other person tearing them down. I am so sorry sweetie! I know this is so hard! Hugs to you for strength!!

Post # 133
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Highland Park Community House

I read one of your updates about your moms advice about a new bank account. Did you get another one yet? I’m just nervous that if he feels you will leave him he will do something drastic and drain your account. You mentioned switching over your direct deposit but I would go a step further and make a certified/cashiers check in you name with most of the money in your shared acccount with him and put it into the new account. That way your money is secure and he has no access. Also share this with your close friends and family so when you are ready to leave you will be safe in case he tries to hurt you or himself. Stay safe Bee and remember you are worthy of real love not emotional abuse. You deserve to feel sparks and peace. Leave him as soon as you can bee. Your safety and happiness is important. Don’t let him have any more power or control over your life. Safe wishes and keep us updated

Post # 134
Member
544 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - Not sure

 

pinkivy2017 :  Leave him… Believe me, it will only get worse! He sounds terrifying! Don’t think that you can’t find someone else and you’re “old”. I was 33 when I got together with my fiance. I’m marrying him later this week. I’m 37 now. This man will cause you nothing but heartache and pain and it seems like you’re the one supporting him… Tell him to get lost! You’ll cry for a day or two and then find someone more worthy of your love and time.

Post # 135
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

pinkivy2017 :  Do not waste another second with this psycho. He is extremely unstable and volatile, suicidal, manipulative, immature, etc, etc. He sounds like a Sociopath. Bipolar or a Narcissist. He needs therapy. You need to get out of this relationship asap and as far away from him as possible. He has not changed. He need a lot of therapy to even be able to possibly change. If ypu dont evwn love him and are thinking of calling off the wedding what on earth are you not doing it. 30 is not the end of the world. I know it’s scarry but the faster you get out of this the sooner you will meet someone else hopefully.

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