Post # 1
So I have a friend who just recently decided that we couldn’t be friends anymore because I don’t ever talk to her. She called me up on a Friday night, just to tell me this. She said, “If you can’t make time for me at least once a week to talk, then we can’t be friends.” My reaction to this.. WHAT THE F****CK! She requested I be out of her wedding party (her wedding isnt until NOV 2013 so there really hasn’t been any Bridesmaid or Best Man duties.. Plus she said she’d be happy as long as I showed up and there shouldnt be additional Bridesmaid or Best Man duties I should worry about when I initially accepted) and she stepped down from mine.
So to put a little back story on this… I am a 13 hour drive away from this friend, in a different state, in a different time zone. I just recently got out of the military, was in flight school and had some minor medical problems and decided flying wasn’t the best thing in the world for me to do and long story short after going through a redesignation board (where they decide where to put me now in the NAVY) I lost my job because of defense budget cuts. Within the past 3 month’s I’ve become officially engaged, moved half of my stuff into storage, still looking for a job, and have been hopping back and forth every couple month’s or so between my parent’s house and my FI’s house. SHE is in medical school and is currently doing something called a “crunch month” where she basically studies a month straight for medical boards… Anwyas as you can see, we’re both VERY busy people.
My argument with her is I HAVE been talking to her, even if it’s a short little post on FB.. or comment or brief IM chat, I HAVE been talking to her.. it has just always been short because she’s always studying and I’m always job hunting and running around trying to plan a wedding in 6months!!! AND when I was up in town (her college is about 45min drive away) she came up to visit another one of her friends and said oh well I need to visit with so and so tonight but you can come down here and visit me (I was NOT happy about this since I had just driven that 13 hour drive up to home… )
With all of that being said… since when has it been a requirement to talk to a friend weekly? From my experience, when I’m really good friends with someone, I can go month’s without talking (especially being in a separate state from ALL of my friends) and then pick up the phone/stroll into town and pick u EXACTLY where we left off… Am I a shitty person for not wanting or needing to be in CONSTANT 24/7 contact with my friends?? On another note I told my Maid/Matron of Honor this and she laughed at the concept that my ‘friend’ needed to be in contact a ‘minimum of once a week’
Post # 3
I think she is just stubborn. Unless you really don’t make an effort. I am in this situation right now…..And I am actually making an effort for the first time in 3 years today to go and see my friend. She basically told me that I wasn’t putting any effort into the friendship. I wasn’t really to be honest as I was going through a lot in the time she had made the move from our city to a city that is a ferry ride away.My friend would say the same thing “I am coming to the Island to see so and so, if you want to see me I will be so and so”. Kinda redicuous I think as then I don’t even wanna put the effort in if she cares to see me so much.
BUT–the way I see it is that you don’t need to talk once a week, once a month, or even once a year to be friends. My very best friend and I touch base every few months and see eachother once and year and we are super close. It’s like we never missed a beat. We pick up where we left off and it’s all good.
Post # 4
To be honest, I am very bad at keeping in touch with friends. I don’t like talking on the phone and I see them about once every 3 months. We catch up, have a wonderful time, and then diseappear for about 3 months. I’m totally o.k with that.
However, maybe she feels that she’s in a very vulnerable/important part of her life right now and needs extra support but that you haven’t been there for her. If that’s the case, perhaps she just needs a little extra attention right now. She could have caught the Bridezilla bug pre-maturely?
Everyone expects different things out of a friend, but I am a little surprised at her reaction since it sounds like you guys have been friends for a long time. Have you discussed the issue with her? Brought up the points you brought up here?
In the end, the question is if this relationship is worth it to you. Would you be willing to call her once a week to save the friendship?
Post # 5
@mdinh815: We have discussed these points… when she called me up on Friday. And her response was, that’s not what friendship means to me. Honestly I’m not sure if I want to be put on a schedule to call her once a week. I mean I’ve already put in effort to stay in contact but I don’t think anyone in my life (other than my Fiance and my parents for obvious reasons) deserves to be contacted a specific number of times a month/week/year to remain friends. It feels like she put an ultimatum in our friendship and it really hurts! AND the street goes both ways.. why hasn’t SHE tried to call me? (other than to ‘break up’) why doesn’t she put the effort in to try to visit me when I’m home. I’ve done it multiple times and I’m kind of fed up. But deep down inside I always see the good in everyone and I’ve always stood up for her despite her quirks that almost noone else understand. I’m torn.. I’m fed up but I feel guilty for feeling fed up with it. oh and you’re right we’ve been friends a very long time.. since middle school. I was pretty much her only friend for a while. We didn’t go to the same HS but I remember her saying that I was the only person that didn’t make fun of her and that I helped her get through some rough times.
Post # 6
Sorry that you’re going through this 🙁 Losing a friend is always really crappy. I find it weird that she put it out there as an ultimatum, i.e., Since we don’t talk at least once a week, we’re no longer friends?!
I feel like EVERY friendship (particularly long-distance ones) goes through periods of time where you just don’t talk as much; it’s totally normal. And yes I’ve certainly had conversations with friends about doing a better job of staying in touch (and they’ve said the same to me)–but it’s never been accusatory, it’s always an I-really-miss-you-lets-try-to-fix-this kind of way!
I did set up weekly-ish phone dates with a friend once but, it wasn’t because one of us was forcing the other into it, we mutually decided that was something we wanted to do.
Post # 7
@Woodstock: It doesn’t sound like you’re the one being a bad friend; she is. Keep the friends you have who appreciate you. Unfortunately, there will always be those that drift away.
If it were me, I’d just tell her you want to continue to be friends and that you feel like you’ve been a good one, but her expectations are ridiculous. If that’s what she really needs, then it’s probably not going to work out.
Good luck! I know it hurts to lose a childhood friend over something so silly.
Post # 8
She sounds exhausting. You’re doing nothing wrong. I second this: “I’d just tell her you want to continue to be friends and that you feel like you’ve been a good one, but her expectations are ridiculous. If that’s what she really needs, then it’s probably not going to work out.”
Post # 9
maybe its a good thing, she sounds like she is already turning into a Bridzilla, this is only the begining. I can not imagine talking to my 3 bridesmaids every week. We talk on the phone at least once a month to catch up or will send a text, but life gets in the way and you can not expect somebody to talk to you once a week!!
The wedding process with her may be a nightmare maybe she did you a favor!!
Post # 10
@starbuck: @mdinh815: That’s pretty much what I said.. followed by awkward silence and then “Well then, goodbye.” So I’m guessing she’s never going to talk to me again? lol *sigh*
@Future Mrs K: you’re right. this isnt the first time she’s been hissy or stupid about something recently and in the past has always been super judgemental about certain things.. and I’ve always over looked it because I’m one of those people who hate to hate people. I’m going to take it as a blessing in disguise.. plus my wedding party was super uneven.. so this helps a little.
Post # 11
When you are younger, your circle of friends is a huge part of life. As you get older other things make it hard to keep in constant contact like school, a job and/or family. I have a 5 year old son and 1 year old daughter and it makes it hard to see a lot of my friends. Sometimes I can go a month or two without talking to some of my friends but no one attacks me for it. We all get busy sometimes. Maybe your friend wants a little more support than you have time to give. Maybe she is so stressed with school that she needs someone to be there when she has free time just to keep her sane. I can see it from both views. She is probably just under a lot of stress and feels that once she takes a break, she doesn’t have anyone there to share that time with.