(Closed) Do I expect too much from DH?

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee

I can see both sides here. Working 6 days a week + overtime SUCKS, and obviously he is very tired when he gets home. I definitely think in normal circumstances it is ok, if not expected, that the SAHP does the majority if not all of the housework/cooking. But your illness isn’t normal circumstance, and I think that needs to be addressed. You are also taking on all of the emotional labour, which has it’s own weight as well. 

How was the living conditions before your pregnancy (while you were on meds)? Is it expected to go back pretty similar? You’ll then have a new baby which is a whole new set of challenges to deal with. 

It sounds like you guys haven’t had an actual discussion about all of this, which likely escalated since you got pregnant. From what you’ve posted, I imagine little jabs here and there from both of you, without an actual sit down, sort it out conversation. He needs to understand that you are no longer able to do all your tasks (“job”), and that you need real help during the week. Maybe asking what tasks he is comfortable taking on to help you out, and then adjusting from there (oh great, you want to take out the garbage? How about you also put suzy to bed on Mondays, and clean up dinner). 

I wonder if it might be worth looking into working more hours from home so he can work less outside of the home? I’m not sure what your job is like, but if he’s home at 4pm every day, maybe you can dedicate 4-6 for work while he watches the kids or something. 

 

Post # 3
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I can also see both sides of it.  It sounds like he’s really busy with working that much and probably really tired when he is home.  However, it’s fair that you need him to do a bit more at home since you are sick.

 

It really sounds like a change in his attitude would help a lot.  He shouldn’t be thinking of things as “helping” you.  He should just do some things that need to get done.

Post # 4
Member
1687 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

juniperbee :  I think it’s pretty fair that if one partner is working full time (plus overtime) and the other is a SAHP, that the SAHP takes responsibility for the bulk of the household tasks. When he helps out, it is helping out, because he is taking on additional responsibilities that are typically your domain. 

If you’re that sick, then yes he should probably be helping out a bit more. But TBH it kind of sounds like you guys bit off more than you can chew and you’re just gonna have to deal with it… 

Being pregnant is exhausting on its own. Being pregnant with other small children around even more so. To take that on WHILE also having a chronic illness.. well.. what did you think it was gonna be like? 

Post # 5
Member
2501 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think it is tough on both of you. Looking after a child can be a full time job in its own right, especially if you have one who is very young and/or needs more attention. Top that with the fact that you’re not doing great with your pregnancy and chronic illness too. 

But I also agree that working six days a week is tough too. 

I agree with PP that the thing to do is sit down and discuss this properly when both of you aren’t tired and, ideally, when the kids aren’t around. Maybe a temporary solution is to get a cleaner for a couple of hours a week just to help you keep on top of things. 

 

I do think your husband does need to step up more in terms of helping around the house – yes the things he does is important but they aren’t daily that ensure the smooth running of the household. As an adult member of the said household then he is equally responsible for it – even if it’s him allowing you to rest and then watching the children when you feel well enough to do it (not saying he shouldn’t do it but sometimes it can either be chores or childcare)

 

I only have one child but she’s high needs so requires a lot of love and support. Both my husband and I work full time and yes our house isn’t the best at the moment. We share a few of the household tasks but there are things which seem to be more me. Sometimes it does annoy me if I haven’t had a chance to do them but I also think that if he said anything I would tell him to do it himself if he’s got a problem with it. 

Post # 6
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Agree with PP.  you should also keep in mind that if you are in pain frequently you have a very low threshold for getting irritated.  Just keep this in mind when you think of/speak of/speak to him.

He seems to do a fair share but despite this you need ‘help’.  Maybe another family member can help out, or maybe he can agree that 3 nights a week he gets the kids ready for bed.  Maybe h folds all the laundry while watching TV. I’m not sure how much more you can expect from him, with you being Stay-At-Home Mom, despite your illness, before he starts feeling like he “does everything.”  

I do hope things get better

Post # 7
Member
35 posts
Newbee

What about hiring a maid once a month?

Post # 8
Member
8893 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Can you just hire a house cleaner to come once or twice a month to help out? Honestly, it just sounds like it’s too much for both of you right now.

Post # 9
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

Yes can you get a cleaning lady to do deep cleaning?  Extra help with childcare?  Pay to have the lawn mowed so husband can help inside more?  What about preplanned meals delivered like Blue Apron?

Post # 10
Member
10009 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

juniperbee :  My heart goes out to you, oh my gosh, you sound so overwhelmed.  I would lose my freaking mind under those circumstances, you must be a very strong person.  I also feel a lot of compassion for your husband.  Both of you are under tremendous stress.  Don’t start pointing the finger at each other, neither of you are wrong in this scenario as you’ve described it.  You’re both working very hard and both putting in 100%.  There is no need for you to feel guilt that you can’t do everything.  Nobody would be able to do all that you are faced with, believe me.

Is there any chance you could hire someone to help you around the house, like a cleaner or even a part-time babysitter?  At least until your kids get a little older, as well as your new baby is born?  You need some assistance, woman!  Your husband seems to be doing his part, this all has to be hard for him as well. 

I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug, lol.

Post # 11
Member
3397 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Without sounding judgmental, if your chronic illness is so and that you cannot work and cannot manage showering and washing the dishes in one day then why on earth did you get pregnant again?

I think you are expecting too much. Your husband works full time hours 6 days a week and works over time so I do think any housework should basically just be him ‘helping out’ rather than anywhere near a 50/50 split. 

Post # 12
Member
7148 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t think you’re asking too much. Your husband had just as much of a role in your current pregnancy as you did, so I’m not sure why everyone is implying this is all on you and you should just suck it up. 

I work from home and make significantly less money than my husband, and also work way fewer hours, so I’m def the “household manager” and I’m okay with that, but when I was puking my guts out in the first trimester, I don’t think I cooked a single meal for three months. I can’t imagine having gone through that while also having a toddler to look after and getting minimal emotional support from my husband. 

It definitely sounds like your husband has a lot on his plate with the demands of his job, but I think in any marriage there are times when one person needs to pull more than their weight to help support the other, and this is one of those times. Do you think he’d be open to hiring a maid as pp have suggested? Or what about one of those meal prep services where they deliver you the ingredients and you just follow some simple instrux to make the meal? Things like that would take a lot of pressure off of you without adding much more onto your husband’s plate.

I’m really sorry you’re struggling bee. 

Post # 13
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think both of you should try to change how you view the situation, especially your husband.  You guys are the same unit.  If his arm were broken, would he be like well my legs shouldn’t have to walk me to the doctor, because my legs didn’t cause the injury to my arm?  Sounds absurd right? Same thing with this. It’s not “helping” or “my job” versus “your job” because you both have the same job—Keeping your family unit going smoothly.   

Show empathy and let him know you’re doing it.  Take the oil change thing for example. My husband usually takes on the task of getting the vehicles inspected/registered, like your husband. But he doesn’t make a point of prioritizing his vehicle over mine, because that implies his vehicle is his job and my vehicle has nothing to do with him.  And I don’t get frustrated if say, he lets it go until the last minute or a little after, because that would only happen if I thought of it as “HIS job”, that I think he’s failing at. 

Another example I have is picking up my child from daycare. On most days I do it because my schedule and commute matches up with drop off/pick up better. When I ask my husband if he can pick up on a day that I have to work late or just want to meet up with girlfriends for happy hour, I don’t see it as asking him for help and he doesn’t see it that way either. It’s just something that we BOTH need to have done and whatever we have to macgyver to make it happen, great. Making a point to show appreciation is an excellent lubricant though. For example my husband will say “sure I can today. Least I can do since you do it every day.” And in turn I thank him especially if I hadn’t given him much notice, and tell him, truthfully, that I don’t see it as a chore because I love seeing my little guy at the end of the day. It doesn’t take away from the effort and inconvenience (of me dropping off and picking up on most days and him having to move things around on this day and perhaps on short notice!), but having recognition makes the burden feel so much less. 

I guess what I’m trying to say is I wouldn’t get too bogged down with a super clear partition of labor. Instead I would try to see it as, this is all part of a mountain we’re climbing and what can each of us do to achieve this goal of climbing this mountain. 

Post # 14
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

If he were a bachelor who worked overtime and six days a week, he’d have to do ALL of his housework on his own. That would be far less than the housework required for a whole family, but even still. He’d have to wash dishes regularly, do his laundry, whatever. So he certainly CAN do more around the house if it’s not being done. 

Nevertheless, I agree with PP that bringing more children into a situation with a chronically-ill parent is problematic, and there’s probably no way out of this situation until the kids are older and can share in household chores. In the meantime, either talk to him about doing more, or hire someone. This is the nature of the beast when you want a decent-sized family, I guess. 

Post # 15
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t think because your husband works full time, he should have no role in household duties and child care. Since household and child care duties are 7 days a week, it would be unequal for one spouse to have time off and the other to work all week with no time off (you). So, it is not just gratuitious “helping” for him to take on home duties. It’s part of his job. His Sunday off should partly be spent taking over child care and cleaning/cooking.

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