(Closed) Do I expect too much from DH?

posted 1 week ago in Married Life
Post # 91
Member
142 posts
Blushing bee

How much chores do you actually HAVE to do everyday? And how much are you doing because want to. The house wont fall apart if its not vacummed once a week. As another poster said, it takes 30mins to do a load of laundry. Dinner and Dishes are they only thing i can think of that needs to be done every day. If i was so ill that i couldnt shower and mind 1 child, a toilet not being cleaned in a few weeks would be the least of my worries. How dirty/smelly could it possibly get, throw down a bit of toilet bleach/tablet and flush, 30 secs and problem sorted.

Post # 92
Member
3397 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Are you seriously saying that there wasn’t a single time during 3 week that you could squeeze in cleaning the toilet? And now you’re complaining that your husband hasn’t done it in 3 weeks either, but why haven’t you?

I get you are having a tough pregnancy but you stay at home and three weeks should be more than enough time to do a simple chore.

People might flame me for this but I think the stay at home partner should do 100% of the housework give or take the odd task, which it sounds like he does since he does yard work etc.

Childcare should be split when the other partner is home from work, but I really don’t see how you can expect someone to earn 100% of the income but you can’t do the housework. There should only be an hour or two MAX of housework a day. 

 

 

juniperbee :  

Post # 93
Member
627 posts
Busy bee

First off I want to address the whole distribution of labor and fairness thing…while I don’t really agree with that mindset within a marriage (because marriage is a partnership, not roommates splitting responsibilities…they should be supporting each other, and if OP is struggling to keep up—especially due to an ILLNESS—hubby should be helping to support her *at least a little bit*), even with “he works 55 hours a week”, okay, well..so does OP! In fact I’d argue that OP works even longer hours since moms don’t get days off or work shifts. Her condition even makes simple housework physically hard, not to mention chasing a toddler around all day is exhausting in itself, pregnant or not. I really don’t want to hear about her hubby’s “I work overtime” sob story, when she’s been “working overtime” since the day her first child was born (I presume).  I’m not invalidating her husband’s exhaustion…because I have no doubt that his days are hard too, but labor is labor. And his labor ends at 3:30 while OP’s is ongoing as she still has to make dinner, put kids to bed, shower for the sake of hygiene, wash dishes, etc.  As long as she’s working while he’s at work, they’re equal…so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be expected to help lighten her load.  

Secondly, OP, I just want to say I can really feel for you because my hubby is almost exactly the same.  If your dh is actually open to helping you as he said he is, take his word for it and maybe sit down with him and discuss setting up some chores for him…rather than having to ask him every week, “could you help clean the toilets?” agree upon that his duty is to clean the toilets which will be expected to be done once a week, without asking (if not the toilets, assign him to wash the dishes every other day, or fold the laundry, or whatever you two want to work out)…maybe if he knows what’s expected of him in advanced, he’d be more  willing to actually do it? 

But with that said, I don’t think the both of you should be working yourselves to the bone. Down time and quality time is extremely important for your mental and physical health, as well as the health of your relationship. I totally understand how the cleanliness of your house affects your mental health (I’m the same way), but your hubby shouldn’t have to sacrifice all his free time to meet unrealistic expectations—I’m not saying that your expectations for cleanliness are unrealistic because I obviously couldn’t know, but it’s just something to keep in mind. What I’m essentially suggesting is, compromise. Your dh should help out a bit more, and you should be less hard on yourself and accept that you won’t get everything done in one day, and that’s okay! 

You said in your op that you feel like you’re failing your job because the house is messy…you’re not!! You’ve been putting so much effort into taking care of your home and family that you’ve been sacrificing basic desires, and I doubt that goes unnoticed even if some chores aren’t done. Just take a deep breath and slow down. If your hubby gets to relax at the end of the day, you should be able to, too. Just because some chores aren’t done doesn’t mean you’ve given up on them, you’re allowed to balance work and life just like everyone else 🙂 

Post # 94
Member
1018 posts
Bumble bee

zzar45 :  If we’re to take OP at face value, then she’s already explained many times why she has trouble completing the housework: she has several serious illnesses in addition to pregnancy. You may think she’s lying or exaggerating, but it sounds like she has trouble doing basic tasks, which can indeed occur during certain illnesses.  

Post # 95
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

zzar45 :  I agree with you. Imagine the horror of two parents who work and have kids and a household to manage. I don’t know how any of them possibly survive. 

Post # 99
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

juniperbee :  on page 2 you said he doesn’t complain when you give him things to do. Now you’re saying he does complain and flat out refuses to do certain things and you have to be careful with how you approach things. Which is it? 

You said you work 3 hours a week from home, that isn’t enough to hire someone to clean at least once a month? If things are that hard for you, too bad that your husband doesn’t want to pay for someone, you use the money you make and you hire someone and tell him you need this because you can’t physically do it. 

Sometimes people just need to be told exactly what to do, so yeah you might feel like a parent to him but what would you rather? Have what you want be done because you asked, or not done at all and just be bitter about it? I’m sure he didn’t change over night, so you knew he wasn’t the kind of man who just takes the initiative himself. 

I’d just have the oil changed in my car my damn self and if he complains about it, tell him it’s 4 months overdue and you needed it done. 

You really need to have a sit down serious conversation with your husband. 

Post # 100
Member
424 posts
Helper bee

juniperbee :  I just read this. Honestly from all your posts about him, I would think you don’t even like the man. I think that’s what the poster meant. And some people did tell you were expecting too much, and you got defensive about it. So that’s obviously not what you wanted. You wanted people to agree with you. 

Post # 103
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

juniperbee :  I think people are being really hard on you. He works 60 hours a week out of the home which tells me you work 60 hours a week INSIDE the home. Being home with small children is hard and thankless. So let’s say you’re at an even number of hours a day by the time he gets home. There’s still several hours worth of work to get done- dinner/bath/bedtime is kind of the hardest part. So yeah, you’ve been in the shop for 10 hours but I’ve been with this toddler for 11 so we are starting on even ground. 

What I have found to work somewhat for our family is that we alternate dinner/bath/bed nights. Monday and Weds I’m in charge. My husband can nap, work out, play video games or whatever while I handle these tasks. Tues and Thurs it switches. We are all still usually together (tho before I was pregnant this was my yoga time) and we both have a part in bedtime either reading a book or being the one who brushes teeth and tucks in. It’s just nice to know that my shift is light on Tues and Thurs and I get off a little earlier.

Where I find it still gets tricky is the daily shit like unloading the dishwasher. It’s no more my job to do it than it is his job and he is NOT doing me a favor when he does it. He’s doing his part. I wonder if you can instill this kind of shared evening responsibility? I would keep it simple and not add new tasks like cleaning the toilet. But on his nights he is responsible for having the kitchen cleaned up. 

As for the emotional labor, I couldn’t agree more. I wonder what it’s like to have no concern, no thought in your head about the daily life events that don’t just happen but need to be managed like doctors appointments and haircuts. Alas, you and I will never know that life.

I’m sorry people are being harsh- just because you have a chronic illness does not mean you can’t have children. You just need help and that’s totally fair. Good luck bee.

Post # 104
Member
2158 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

juniperbee :  Your posts are actually quite concerning.  Aside from the issues with your husband I’m worried about the welfare of your toddler child and future newborn.  If you’re as debilitated as you say and something happens where she’s choking or falls or any other possible emergency what’s going to happen? That’s pretty scary.

Post # 105
Member
2189 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Idk. I work 60 hours a week. I have a few chronic illnesses, myself. Oh. And I’m in a challenging graduate program. My husband works 40 hrs a week. He does most of the housework. We have kids. I’m just having a hard time being sympathetic & “understanding” you tearing your husband down and being so negative about him over toilets. Seriously? Toilets! Let it go. Throw one of those self-cleaning tabs in the tank & chill.

But if you act at home the way you present yourself here, it must be miserable to be around you. I highly doubt your husband is living it up and having a great time, either.

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