First off I want to address the whole distribution of labor and fairness thing…while I don’t really agree with that mindset within a marriage (because marriage is a partnership, not roommates splitting responsibilities…they should be supporting each other, and if OP is struggling to keep up—especially due to an ILLNESS—hubby should be helping to support her *at least a little bit*), even with “he works 55 hours a week”, okay, well..so does OP! In fact I’d argue that OP works even longer hours since moms don’t get days off or work shifts. Her condition even makes simple housework physically hard, not to mention chasing a toddler around all day is exhausting in itself, pregnant or not. I really don’t want to hear about her hubby’s “I work overtime” sob story, when she’s been “working overtime” since the day her first child was born (I presume). I’m not invalidating her husband’s exhaustion…because I have no doubt that his days are hard too, but labor is labor. And his labor ends at 3:30 while OP’s is ongoing as she still has to make dinner, put kids to bed, shower for the sake of hygiene, wash dishes, etc. As long as she’s working while he’s at work, they’re equal…so there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be expected to help lighten her load.
Secondly, OP, I just want to say I can really feel for you because my hubby is almost exactly the same. If your dh is actually open to helping you as he said he is, take his word for it and maybe sit down with him and discuss setting up some chores for him…rather than having to ask him every week, “could you help clean the toilets?” agree upon that his duty is to clean the toilets which will be expected to be done once a week, without asking (if not the toilets, assign him to wash the dishes every other day, or fold the laundry, or whatever you two want to work out)…maybe if he knows what’s expected of him in advanced, he’d be more willing to actually do it?
But with that said, I don’t think the both of you should be working yourselves to the bone. Down time and quality time is extremely important for your mental and physical health, as well as the health of your relationship. I totally understand how the cleanliness of your house affects your mental health (I’m the same way), but your hubby shouldn’t have to sacrifice all his free time to meet unrealistic expectations—I’m not saying that your expectations for cleanliness are unrealistic because I obviously couldn’t know, but it’s just something to keep in mind. What I’m essentially suggesting is, compromise. Your dh should help out a bit more, and you should be less hard on yourself and accept that you won’t get everything done in one day, and that’s okay!
You said in your op that you feel like you’re failing your job because the house is messy…you’re not!! You’ve been putting so much effort into taking care of your home and family that you’ve been sacrificing basic desires, and I doubt that goes unnoticed even if some chores aren’t done. Just take a deep breath and slow down. If your hubby gets to relax at the end of the day, you should be able to, too. Just because some chores aren’t done doesn’t mean you’ve given up on them, you’re allowed to balance work and life just like everyone else 🙂