(Closed) Do I fix a one-sided friendship?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

Once I realized that our friends are family that we choose and shouldn’t be a source of grief or negative feelings, my life has been so much happier!  I’ve ended many negative, draining, unsatisfying friendships in the past 5 years and I have never had one single regret.  Now, I still have concern for these ladies who are no longer in my life, I still think of them from time to time and sincerely wish them well, but I just don’t want to have negativity in my life.

Of course, I don’t get rid of friends who are going through a rough patch, these are women who were *always* negative.  They were friendships that blossomed out of convenience and shared interests but not deeper than that.

If this is just a phase in her life, then mend it and stick by her.  But if she’s always been this way and you’re just realizing how unhealthy and negative it is for you, then I say end the friendship – you won’t regret it.

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@anthrogirl:  What do you have to apologize for? She unmade her bed, so to speak, and she must own up to accept responsibility for things that happen to her as a proximate result OF her. 

If anything, you were being a good friend by pointing out she has the power to navigate how her own life goes. Nothing “happens” to people; life is composed of a million choices we make each and every day. She is in control of those choices, and she chose to be the ‘other woman.’ She didn’t have to. 

I’d be wary though; what’s stopping her from hitting on your Boyfriend or Best Friend and trying to seduce him? If she has no respect for other peoples’ relationships, why should she be willing to be diplomatic about yours? Just wondering.

Post # 5
Hostess
11167 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

As someone who has been battling with this very recently I can with most certainly, no. One-sided friendships are nearly impossible and quite frankly pointless to try and fix. If one person is too insecure, selfish etc to add positive elements to the relationship based on personal factors THEY have to be the ones to intiate the change, no the other party.

It is sad, crushing even, but so true.

Post # 6
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

100% you should focus on the relationships in your life that bring value to your life and who appreciate the value you bring to theirs. Some bridges just aren’t worth rebuilding.

Post # 7
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@anthrogirl:  Sounds like an old friend I had.  I had to cut my ties with because she was way to much drama. My Darling Husband kept asking me why I was friends with her and I never really could answer. I stopped talking to her about 5 months before our wedding and it was the best thing I ever did. 

 

Post # 8
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t see one reason why you need to mend this friendship.  I would start to distance yourself and just let it die.  I’m going through something similar and understand the question completely.  It’s hard to draw a line in the sand with someone you care about – even when they suck the life out of you.  Friendships should be mutual – not blood suckers.

Post # 9
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

A true friend speaks the truth when necessary–you have nothing to apologize for. At this point, if she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say and she refuses to change the way she lives her life, it’s beyond your control. You said you don’t trust her, and to me that’s a major red flag. As hard as it may be, it sounds like it’s time to move on. 

Post # 10
Member
862 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it really depends. Is she always like this? How long has it been going on? I was in a similar situation, but it had been going on for as long as I knew the girl. It took me a long time to realize that my so-called best friend wasn’t really a friend at all in any sense of the word. She and I had been friends since high school and used to hang out every Friday night, but still she was always resentful of my happiness and jealous whenever I had a boyfriend. For example, if my boyfriend held my hand or put his arm around me or anything like that (we wouldn’t dare kiss in front of her), she’d call him an “octopus” and say that we were all over each other, even when I was in a long-distance relationship and she knew that I had very limited time to be with my boyfriend in person. A lot of other things went on like how she used to say mean things about me behind my back to our mutual friends.

When I finally got engaged (not to the same man, in case you were wondering), her negativity became too much for me to tolerate anymore. She didn’t even congratulate me when I told her that I was getting married, she picked fights with me, she kept trying to convince me to wait before I got married, she got mad at me every time I bought something for the wedding saying that I might not need it, I started seeing a lot less of her, I always had to call her first, she’d post on Facebook all day long but then say that she was too busy to hang out with me, she wouldn’t offer me any help with wedding ideas (she would just tell me to research it for myself online) only for her to then criticize every idea that I came up with, and the real kicker… for the “honor” of having her in my wedding party, I would have to pay for her bouquet, dress, jewelry, shoes, purse, manicure, pedicure, make-up, and hairstyling! Oh, and she said I should also do it for each of the girls in the wedding party.  Probably so I wouldn’t be able to afford it.

When I wrote her a heartfelt letter (and I fully admit that my first mistake was writing her a letter rather than telling her in person) telling her how much her behavior was hurting me and asking for us to try to fix our friendship, she came back with a very nasty and sarcastic response so I decided that enough was finally enough and I haven’t spoken to her since. Sure, it hurt at the time, but it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made because now that I don’t have to deal with her negativity anymore, I find myself wondering WHY in the world I ever put up with so much of it in the first place. Why did I ever associate myself who obviously hated to see me happy and was actively trying to interfere with that happiness?

My mother-in-law even told me, “She’s not your friend, she’s your enemy,” and she was absolutely right, but I’m not sure if this is true for you or not. What you have to ask yourself is what you will lose if you stop associating with this girl and what you would gain by keeping her as a friend. If the answer to both questions is “Nothing,” then you know what you need to do.

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