Do I give him space or stay and fight for it?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’m so sorry bee. I would bet money that there’s someone else in the picture 🙁  I would do some snooping ASAP if I were you. 

Post # 3
Member
68 posts
Worker bee

I am sorry. That must really hurt coming out of left field like that.  Are you sure there is no cheating on his part? 

Post # 5
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

kblondee7 :  I’m so sorry you’re going through this bee – you must feel quite blindsighted.  Big internet hugs.

I could be wrong, but going from my experiences, when guys do a 180″ like this overnight, there is sometimes someone else involved.  Doesn’t necessarily mean physical cheating, maybe just the excitement of a spark with someone else makes them reevaluate.   Since he has a new job, could there be someone there?  Might not be popular, but I’d consider downloading his phone bill if available, and check the numbers/times. 

Would he be open to marriage counselling?  Not necessarily to “fix” stuff,  but try and unpack both your emotions? 

It is incredibly hard, but when someone closes off like this, sometimes the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and be your best you.  Make sure you allow yourself feelings, but also make sure you eat well, excercise everyday, catchup with friends, continue with hobbies/pick up new hobbies.  Do that thing with your hair that you always wanted to do.  That way if separation does occur, you have your friends/hobbies/confidence etc.  If there is a chance of reconciliation, it is more likely he will be interested if you show your best self, but if you run after him and beg and plead it’s not showing you, that’s not attractive to most people. 

Ultimately sometiems people do just fall in love.  And while it’s horrible, it’s one of those parts of life.

Remember bee, no matter what, it’s going to be okay.

Post # 6
Member
270 posts
Helper bee

I don’t see why he would’ve lied on Reddit, so I don’t think he’s cheating. I do think that perhaps he’s wondering what else is out there since you’ve been together so long and both have limited experience with other people. I don’t think you have much choice besides to give him space and hope he comes back, although I do think counseling should definitely be part of it too. Hugs! 

Post # 8
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

kblondee7 :  I’m sorry you had to read that – did his post give you anymore insight than what he said? 

People sometimes try to lie to themselves too, so just because he said there isn’t anyone else on Reddit, doesn’t mean it’s true.  I would dig some more. 

Post # 9
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

kblondee7 :  Oh girl, you have every right to cry and be upset!  You have to be honest with yourself and most importantly, be kind to yourself.  I didn’t mean you can’t be upset, just make sure you are also looking after yourself and thinking of yourself, not just him.  

Post # 10
Member
3837 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

Living separately is a major step. I think you should definitely go to marriage counselling immediately and before you do that. Of course that requires him to also make the effort, but I hope he will (besides, attending mediation is mandatory before a divorce anyway if it does come to that – I hope not). Marriage is marriage for a reason. You can’t just break up on a whim. He needs to put in all the effort possible before suggesting actual separation! Book a counsellor ASAP!

Post # 11
Member
9042 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

kblondee7 :  I really hate how bee’s automatically jump to he is cheating when a male wants out of a relationship. It is extremely sexist, stereotyping and invalidates the male’s feelings. Men are allowed to fall out of love, just like women.

He has told you he wants to separate. It doesn’t matter if you think it will be detrimental or not. He wants out of the current situation and he should get that. Noone should be forced to stay in a relationship/living situation they are not happy with.

Agree to a trial/timed separation. Use the time apart to work on yourself and figure out what you want. And allow him to do the same. If at the end of the time you both want to continue with the relationship then great but if he still wants out then you will have to accept that.

Also make sure you define the boundaries of your time apart. Too often couples do not discuss things like dating or sex and have different ideas to what is acceptable to the other. This includes contact between you (will there be any and if so how often and how).

Post # 12
Member
2491 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

I saw your other thread before this one and my advice on this situation is to to talk to a therapist or someone who wouldn’t hold this against your husband if you reconcile. Sorry you’re going through this bee 

Post # 13
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

j_jaye :  I would think the same thing if a husband had a seemingly great marriage and great sex life, and the wife suddenly announced she wanted out. It’s not sexist, it’s a super common cause of marital problems on the part of both sexes. Especially when the problems seemingly come out of the blue. It’s worth considering rather than sticking one’s head in the sand. 

Post # 14
Member
1147 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I would ask him if he’d attend counseling with you. If you both attend counseling and he still wants to move out after giving it good go then I think you need to let him. 

Post # 15
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

It doesn’t matter if he has found someone new, is having an early midlife crisis, or just wants to YOLO through life right now. He wants out and there is nothing you can do to make him stay. He has to want to make things work as well. Sorry you’re going through this but I agree with a PP that sometimes marrying the first person you’ve had a serious relationship with, especially after being together all these years from the teens, ends when one or both partners want to explore life again, single. Take care of yourself but let him go if he wants to leave. If he comes back, wonderful, but don’t put your life on hold for him. Good luck.

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