Post # 1
So I’ve been friends with Ben for close to 10 years. The relationship has always been platonic. Ben is getting married to Susan, who seems nice but I don’t know well. Ben and I don’t see each other that often but generally get together at least once a month or have a long chat on the phone every few weeks. We have been through a lot together and he has been very supportive of me when life’s been super shitty (deaths, breakups, etc)
Recently I got rather awkwardly univited to a get together with Ben, Susan, and some friends. I know people who had never even met Susan were going so it wasn’t super intimate or anything.
This (plus some other odd behavior) made me ask Ben if Susan had a problem with me. He assured me she didn’t. This was 3+ months ago and I haven’t seen Ben since the uninvite. Whenever I ask if he’s free for a coffee etc. he’s busy with Susan.
Here’s the thing. I need to respond to their wedding invite which I recieved at least a month before this drama.
It seems weird to see them for the first time post awkwardness at their wedding. Plus I’m not keen on weddings to be honest and I’d need to give a gift of at least $100 if I went (and I’m on a budget).
However, they are VERY into this wedding obviously and I have spent a good part of the last year discussing color schemes, centre pieces, DJs, etc with Ben. I’m pretty sure not going would be friendship ending, and I’m not sure if this friendship has run its course or we’ve just hit a rough patch.
Post # 2
- Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre
Before I would RSVP I would talk to Ben and ask him what’s going on.
Post # 3
You two have been close for a long time. I’d probably talk to him about it in a very basic kind of way. Let him know that you’d like to support him as best you can on his day, but you’re getting the vibe that they haven’t really wanted you around lately and is that accurate since you don’t want to add any potential awkwardness to his wedding.
Post # 4
throughthelookingglass87 : thanks, ideally this was my plan if I saw him in person as this doesn’t really feel like a texting conversation. But I literally haven’t had the chance. Do I do it via text if necessary? I try to avoid texting for anything serious usually and prefer in person.
Post # 5
If they sent you an invite, at least one of them wants you there. That wouldn’t suddenly change overnight. I would go to support him as an old friend, unless you don’t want to anymore (which is understandable).
Post # 6
dsaasd : text or call him on the phone. It’s fine.
Post # 7
I would ask Ben directly what’s going on and why you were uninvited from the event. It seems crazy to me to risk throwing away a friendship over a potential misunderstanding. Can you call him on the phone, or text him and ask if he has time to meet/chat on phone for a bit?
Post # 8
It sounds like Susan might need some reassurance that your friendship is exactly just that. Have you tried reaching out to HER? Maybe invite her to lunch or a movie, something to get to know her better and put her mind at ease if that is the issue. It very well could have absolutely nothing to do with Susan though so I would tread lightly. Maybe HE crossed a boundary that they had previously set and is now distancing himself from the situation.
Coffee and catching up or the occasional lunch/dinner/etc would be fine for me if my husband had a female friend but long phone calls (especially if they are in the evening when the two of them are trying to wind down and make up for the busy day) would be annoying.
Post # 9
No matter what happens, you should go. Whatever is going on is between the two of them but its all platonic in your head. He’s been there for you and you should be there as a friend.
Post # 10
This is not an appropriate text conversation. Call and discuss if meeting is not practical. Barring extenuating circumstances, being uninvited somewhere is objectively rude. I’d tell him you were hurt by being treated that way and ask him to explain why that happened. Figure that part out, first.
My guess is that despite what he says this is about Susan. If so, I would not attend. What other odd behavior has there been?
Post # 11
dsaasd : I would decline. It sounds like he’s pulling away from the friendship and I’d let him. If he reaches out to ask why you declined, I’d be honest and say you’ve been feeling unwelcome lately and didn’t want it to be awkward at the wedding. That would be his cue to reassure you that he wants you there and ask you to change your mind. More likely though, he’ll mark you down as a no and continue drifting away. It happens.
Post # 12
Men tend to pull away from close friendships with women when they’ve found their life partner. It makes sense, doesn’t it? Put yourself in Susan’s shoes.
I’d either go to coffee with both of them and make an effort – a real effort – to get to know susan,
and if I truly liked her, I’d go to the wedding,
but you’re already saying you don’t like weddings,
so if I had your attitude, I’d drop the whole thing, realize it’s not about me, stop pursuing the friendship and send a congratulations card with either a small gift or nothing at all – a card is plenty.
And move on.
Post # 13
Can you actually talk on the phone? I would find out why you were uninvited to the last event. Someone has to explain, you don’t invite and then uninvited someone without a reason.
Don’t text. Call and be direct.
Post # 14
I get quite flustered with these sorts of conversations without warning, so I would probably send an e-mail outlining how I felt (just in a very basic, non-accusatory way) and asking if you could arrange a time to talk to him about this.
That way, you’ll have already broached the topic and got your feelings out in some sort of order, and will also have a chance to talk to him in person/on the phone about it. It also means that you won’t catch him off-guard and he will have a chance to think through what you’ve said first.
I hate to say it, but it does sounds as though this is something to do with his partner (as she is the new element into your friendship). But I really hope that this is something that you can resolve, as it sounds as though you previously had a great friendship. Good luck!
Post # 15
How did he go about uninviting you to the get-together? What was said? This to me says that clearly there’s some issue with you— I’d Ben didn’t cancel or uninvite the other friends.
Since you were invited to the wedding, it’s nice to still send some type of gift. As far as going— what do you want to do? What is your gut saying?
After thinking about it and seeing how YOU feel, then talk to Ben.
To the responder saying men pull away from female friends when their married— that’s not always the case. Especially if it’s a long standing friendship and the wife has met her and is aware. It’s not the wife’s fault for Ben being awkward—it’s Bens.