(Closed) Do I have a ‘right’ to hold a grudge?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1537 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’ve been in a similar situation with a girl that used to be my “best friend” in high school. I was always the one trying and she let me down for some pretty big things. After a while I just gave up trying. She still tries to arrange get togethers and what not now, but I’ve totally lost the closeness I used to feel to her. At this point I don’t really care to have her in my life, so I don’t show any extra effort to her.

My point is you should surround yourself with people who are meaningful to your life. If you don’t have that connection anymore don’t feel bad because it happens. It’s not wrong of you to have lost that special feeling of friendship toward her considering she missed out on some pretty big events in your life. Just go with the flow and if it feels like work than she really shouldn’t be your friend.

Post # 4
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

What exactly is the grudge?  That she didn’t call about not attending?  I’m sure she was hoping you didn’t notice since she knows you had to still pay for her dinner.  Sometimes close friendships change.  You see each other when you can but it’s not your best friend and those are the ones that you feel no time has passed when you see them again.  Bringing it up could go either way.  Will an apology really help?  I’m sure she’s sorry.  But bringing it up could end the small thread of friendship that is still there. 

Post # 5
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Eh…personally I would just let it go. I totally understand why you are upset, but at this point, it is not worth continuing to worry about. Friendships come and go unfortunately. I have lost many friends because of “growing apart,” which is pretty much what has happened here. I would just go on with your life and let her go on with hers. If she calls and wants to hang out, and you really don’t want to, then make up an excuse not to go. Sooner or later she will figure out that you aren’t really friends anymore. Maybe that is passive agressive behavior, but I don’t really see the point in putting so much thought into it. I mean, you two clearly haven’t been close in years. Neither one of you owes the other an explanation anymore.

Post # 6
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think this is just a case of drifting friends with some crappy events surrounding it. I don’t think there is a grudge to be held.

Post # 7
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I don’t see what the point is of bringing up the past with her.  You can decide if you want her in your life in present day.  

Friends will always disappoint you, because, like everyone, they are human and aren’t perfect.  People also can change over time and mature as the years go by.  

It’s really up to you if you want to be friends with her – it sounds like it would be something casual – like a lunch, from time to time.

Post # 8
1871 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

It appears to me (as an anonymous standby on the Internet so take this for what you will), that your friend is a space cadet. Meaning, it doesn’t seem like she’s maliciously trying to be a bad friend; she literally just seems like the type of person who doesn’t read carefully and who forgets to call. Perhaps this is why she deosnt’ have many friends, or perhaps she doesn’t have friends and doesn’t quite understand how to behave. Honestly, so far what she’s done hasn’t struck me as egregious, but I’m not the one on the receiving end–you are.

So my point is, IF you can forgive her and NOT hold a grudge and accept that she’s going to be a sort of blithe friend, then be her friend. If you can’t, then I’d let her go–an explanation isn’t needed unless she asks for one.

Post # 10
979 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

It sounds like life got in the way and you just grew apart.  All though she could have handled things more tactfully, I think its still forgivable.  Friendships come and go, so I would just let nature take its course.

Post # 11
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ksarasin: Your wedding was in 2008. That is a long time to be holding on to those feelings IMO. I almost feel like does it really even matter at this point? You are married now.

Holding onto anger is like holding onto a hot piece of coal with the intent of throwing it at someone-you are the only one who gets hurt-Buddha.

Post # 12
1928 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well, I am pretty confused over what you are asking. Are you looking for a polite way to let this friendship die, or are you looking for an excuse to dredge up something that happened over 2 years ago, that she already apologized for?


If it’s the former, that’s pretty easy. Just don’t call her. If she calls you, make polite small talk for a few minutes then find an excuse to get off the phone. No has to be friends with someone if they don’t want to be.


If it’s the latter, I’m pretty sure the statute of limitations for that particular crime has long passed. You already told her you were upset she didn’t make it- she offered up her reasons, apologized, and sent you a gift. Case Closed, move on.


If you don’t consider her a friend anymore and don’t desire her company, fine. Friends drift apart all the time and no one will think you’re a bad person for it. But calling her up to discuss how it still burns you up that she missed your wedding 2 years ago- well I can’t get behind encouraging that.

Post # 13
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

Objectively, it appears that you are both making the SAME amount of effort in this relationship.  I’m not sure why you’re mad at her…she had a perfectly reasonable explanation for not attending your wedding and a good reason not to want to bother you the day before/day of.  Also, you didn’t make an effort to really include her in your wedding planning or pregnancy, so I’m not sure why you’re surprised she’s so stand-offish.  Again, I only know as much as you posted, so there are probably more details in this whole thing, but I don’t think you really have much reason for a grudge.  That aside, if you don’t want to make the effort to be her friend, then don’t.  She’s obviously fine with that and has been for a couple years.  Maybe she thinks that’s normal?

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