(Closed) Do I have a valid reason to be angry?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
426 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I absolutely understand why you are upset but at the same time she is still his mother. It’s not easy to just give up on your family no matter what crazy things they may do. It sounds like his mom needs to get some help or seek counseling but I don’t blame him for not wanting to completely abandon her. Idk it’s a tough situation but I think you need to step back a little and realize how hard this whole thing must be 10 times as hard on him as it is on you. Maybe you could talk to him about trying to go to counseling with his mom or something? 

Post # 4
12340 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Damn, his mom sounds freaking insane… sorry.  Unfortunately, that’s still his mother, and someone he does care for with a bond that only he can decide to break.  I’d probably be pissed to that he still wants a relationship with her, but that’s his choice.  I understand that you’re upset when he goes to see her, but you also said that he does spend a fair amount of time with you so I dont think it’s fair that you want him to either not spend time with her or be with you.  He does have his own free time, and if that’s how he chooses to spend it… as long as he still has plenty of time to spend with you… I think it’s fair that he can visit his own mother.

Post # 6
13 posts
  • Wedding: August 2013

Wow, I can totoally identify with the feelings you have for the mother. I think it might help to consider despite his dysfunctional mother, look at what an amazing man your fiance has turned out to be (in med school!) and not a felon like his brother. My mom told me to always consider what could happen if I had a son and me and my daughter in law didnt like one another.  They say the way a man treats his motehr is how he will treat his wife. despite how degrading she has been to him he still has love for her.  Sometimes when someone treats us like shit we may feel like we have to prove ourselves to them. Maybe she has always shown favortisim to the felon and not him and he has some need within him to still be loved by his mom. The mother-child relationship is the first important relationship in life.  Also if a mother and “wife” pull on each arm of the man and he feels he has to choose between wife and mother all that you end up with is a “broken man”.

Post # 8
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

WOW. That situation is intense to say the least. I honestly, think that you dont want to force your Fiance to never see his mother, not that you are. but you  may want to seek counseling on how to maybe learn to “forgive and forget” that situation as you may never really learn to love and appreciate her over that situation as CLEARLY it was INSANE! and for the sake of your Fiance he may appreciate it. (not that it will be easy because honestly I would hate her too for that) 

I can tell you I am not the type of girl that likes alone time as lots do, so I definitely feel you, and I woul discuss with Fiance about maybe hanging out together and then maybe stopping by her mothers.. eek scary I know.. but it she is going to be your Future Mother-In-Law maybe the time is now to start breaking the ice. that way you still have time with him.

Post # 10
587 posts
Busy bee

She is abusive and batshit crazy. Mother or not, I don’t see why either of you have to love or even like her. I would be pressuring my man to cut ties, if I were you.

Post # 11
1835 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s a crazy situation with his mom, definitely… but she’s his mother. She’s always going to be his mom, and until he decides that it’s something he wants to do by cutting her out, she’s always going to be important to him. I get that you might not like her and you disagree with the amount of time he spends with her, but that’s really not up to you and if you push him on that you could end up making him resent you.

I agree with PP, you really need to meet her. If you’re going to be married to him, these people are always going to be your family unless the two of you make an active point to cut them out completely. And you can’t push him into that – it’s not something entirely up to you.

I think if you phrase it more as, “I wish we spent more time together” vs. “You spend too much time with your mom and not me” it’ll come off as less immature. You do risk sounding a bit selfish/immature with the way you phrased it in your gigantic capslock paragraph.

Post # 15
517 posts
Busy bee

It’s not healthy that he’s still so dependent on his mother. Later, this could harm your marriage if he will be by her side when she says something against you. Just because she is his mother doesn’t give him the obligation to continue treating her well and seeing her if she mistreats him. He should get a counselor ASAP.

Post # 16
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

She may be his mother, but she sounds like a toxic individual.  Given that, I think it would be best if he severed ties.  The codependant relationship is not good for him.  

I think your fiance needs some therapy.  He’s being a doormat for people who don’t care about him and treat him like shit.  

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