(Closed) Do I have reason to feel sad fiance regularly takes holiday vacations w/o me?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would feel left out…are there other times of year he could take these trips? Is he intentionally scheduling them for when you’re busy with school or are you busy all the time?

Post # 3
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Uh what legal things did he do in Amsterdam? I’m hoping it was “just” drugs and not prostitutes… 

Post # 4
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

beachbride2bee:  Hmmm – I was expecting more trips but once every year isn’t that big of a deal.   The timing kind of sucks and you finding out about it, the day before he leaves, is really weird.   Everyone is different but I talk to my husband about everything all of the time – I can’t imagine having that detail left out.

I can see your frustration on a few issues but the fact that he does vacation without you is, IMO, OK.  I sometimes do it and I love it.  I need that time to be away from my husband – it’s nice to just do my own thing with certain people.  You should tell him you feel left out and while you understand that he’s allowed to have trips by himself a few times a year- you guys should also plan something together.

Post # 5
Member
2878 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

beachbride2bee: I would feel the same as you and would reconsider marriage to someone like that. 

1. Why can’t he include you? Pay for half your travel expenses so you can join too!

2. Why doesn’t he consider your feelings? That’s concerning to me that he does what he wants regardless of how you feel. 

3. If he’s living rent-free, why isn’t he contributing 1/2 of market rent for your house / apt into the wedding fund?

4. Why is he acting shady? That’s messed up. Where there’s shady behavior, there’s shady activity, unless it’s a misunderstanding which he should be trying to clear up!

Post # 6
Member
11585 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

beachbride2bee:  it’s not even about the trips, it’s about his attitude toward you and your feelings and opinions. a marriage requires constant negotiations and compromise. But you aren’t even a full member worthy of responding to or informing properly, before and after plans. 

That would not be okay with me. Meanwhile, he lives for free at your mom’s house? Nope. If anything, you should have a some say in spending decisions while he occupies your home for free, because he is certainly spending money on these trips. He sounds immature and childish, sorry bee. 

Post # 7
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2015

I would feel left out. I would probably be more upset by the vague travel plans. My mom and I take trips together…but my Fiance always knows about it well in advance and is more than welcome to come if he wants. Could you maybe talk about the vagueness and at the very least ask to be told more about the trip well in advance?

Post # 8
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

“There have been three trips, three years in a row, and in my mind I am imagining and fearing that this will be what our marriage is like.”

Courtship and Marrige are two different things. I think part of the confusion here is that you are expecting husbandly behavior from your boyfriend.

jmho

Post # 9
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’d be very sad.  Experiencing things together is so important to my fiance and me.  We’re also one of those icky couples that really misses each other when we’re apart.  I travelled without my ex-SO quite a bit and never thought anything of it, but we had a different relationship than the one I do with my fiance and I was younger.  

Post # 10
Member
2920 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

So wait. You are both living rent free, but all YOUR money is being saved for your JOINT wedding, whereas HIS money is spent taking super fun international vacations with his family while YOU stay at home? That is not okay. That is not an equal relationship. Could he save the money he’s using for these trips and only take a trip every OTHER year so that there will be enough “vacation money” saved for BOTH of you to go? Has he EVER asked you to go?

Post # 11
Member
1320 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

NFLwidow:  I would expect husbandly behavior from my boyfriend if I was planning to marry him (and that seems evident from the fact that there is a wedding fund). When my (at the time) boyfriend and I were discussing marriage, I did expect different behavior.

beachbride2bee:  I think you have every right to be upset. Not that the trips themselves are a big deal since he’s not blowing a ton of money on them, but the fact that he’s not considering your feelings about them is HUGE. I also agree that if he is living rent-free at your house, he should be contributing financially in some way to the wedding fund, and the money he has to spend on hotels, food, and activites on these trips does interfere with that.

Post # 12
Member
592 posts
Busy bee

I’d be really sad too. Not only that but I would also feel like he was takings advantage of me and living rent free in my mother’s house. I don’t know, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I agree with previous bees that said that his actions come off as immature and childish. 

 

Post # 13
Member
10951 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

fiver:  

That was my first thought, too.

Post # 14
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

MKWB, maturity, and some mutual decision making, and other responsible behaviors we should expect from a boyfriend and Fiance.

Taking a separate vacation with one’s respective family members is appropriate in a courtship. Doing so while married needs to be a mutual decision.

Just my $0.02.

 

Post # 15
Member
412 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I’m sorry..but do NOT marry this guy.  He’s getting a free ride living in your mom’s house which I find suspect and he doesn’t give 2 shits about you!  Are you marrying him just to be married? 

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