(Closed) Do I have reason to feel sad fiance regularly takes holiday vacations w/o me?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
1849 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

uhhhh even if he’s getting free flights, he’s still obviously spending $$$ on hotels, food, sight seeing etc. so why are you putting all your $$$ into the wedding, and he’s off gallivanting on international vacations? that’s bs. 

why couldn’t he cut his travel spending in half and contribute to the wedding fund with the other half? or, why wouldn’t he make it so that you could come? i mean, if he already has a hotel room, then the only additional expense is your flight. and if he’s flying for free, why wouldn’t he pay for half your flight so that you could both go. 

he’s being really selfish. and not telling you until the day before? ‘merry christmas! can’t have too much eggnog tonight because i’ve got an early flight to amsterdam… night night!’  like – what?! this is all so wierd. and i don’t like that he’s living for free in your family’s house and going on trips that he doesn’t lift a finger for you to attend, and meanwhile you’re working to pay for your wedding. that’s super unequal.

Post # 17
312 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I would be upset especially because it’s during the holiday season 

Post # 18
6430 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

That wouldn’t fly with me. DH and I love traveling together, and he wouldn’t let me just sit at home while he traveled the world. He would find a way for us to go together.

Marriage doesn’t change people, so don’t marry him thinking that he will magically turn into someone who won’t take trips lIke this.

Post # 19
1720 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

the fact that he keeps it a secret until the day before is really odd… I mean you live together don’t you notice that he has a big suitcase packed up and he doesn’t want to make plans for friday night (or the rest of the week?) To me this is the most troubling part

I don’t think the fact that he uses the opportunity to travel with his family as odd… I have gone on family vacations before we were engaged (and so did my DH) and it wasn’t anything against the other person.  I know for my family, my parents wanted to have a little “just us” vacation before my sister was married and his family went to visit his brother in Japan and it just didn’t make sense for me to go on a family trip since I had only met them like twice at that point.

Are you able to travel during that week? can you offer to just pay for your own ticket? I don’t see why you can’t tag along with them and pay your own way.

To me it seems like there are other issues at play here if you are the only one saving for the wedding… you guys need to have sit down and see if he is really on the same page as you

Post # 20
2921 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Could just be me but I don’t mince my words. The conversation would go like this. ‘Either I am going too or you are not going. Understand this. If you go without me one more time, this is done. I refuse to be left out, left at home, abandoned and dismissed. Its unnaceptable. Make your choice. I’ve made mine.’ And yes, I have dumped over issues of selfishness. I don’t need a selfish partner. It won’t work long term. Spells utter train wreck in my brain.

Post # 21
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’d be pissed. Not to sound petty but, why does he get to have all the fun? As PP have mentioned, if he has few travel costs for these trips, why can’t you split your costs so you can go too? Instead of being the ‘responsible’ one and saving for school and the wedding.  What’s he contributing, and saving for?

He’s being really selfish. Especially by hiding it until the last minute. What the hell kind of snide comments could his family be making?  Where is the justification in his behaviour?  Fewer travel costs means it should be cheaper for BOTH of you to go.

Ugh.  I’m sorry OP.  I would be upset too.  It feels like you’re just an afterthought to him.

Post # 22
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would feel leftout too! BUT, I don’t think this is break-up worthy behavior (seriously people?). 1 family trip a year without your girlfriend is normal.  Hell, I didn’t start asking for “permission” to travel until after I was married.  Even when we were just engaged, I travelled when I wanted, where I wanted.

The only thing that would make say he shouldn’t go is if he is no meeting his other financial obligations Does he put an agreed upon amount towards the wedding? Does he maintain a regular savings account for future goals? As long as he’s contributing to the wedding and savings then he’s good to go.

I know you miss him during the holidays and think he should take your feelings into consideration, but I have to ask: are you taking his into consideration?  He has these amazing opportunities to travel the world and you want him to skip them because you get lonely and/or cannot afford to partake?  Honestly, if my SO tried to pull that I would have some serious resentment towards him.  Has he invited you along?  Have you asked to tag along?  Be careful you aren’t just envious and trying to prevent him from doing something simply because you cannot.

Yes, it’s weird he didn’t tell you he was leaving until the day before, but if you guilt trip him and resent him for going, I can understand why he’d wait.  I’m not saying that it’s right, but I can understand it.

I also get being worried that he’ll continue to do this once you’re married.  So it’s best to sit down and make it clear that you can’t stop him from going now, but once you’re married you really need to work as a team and determine what the best course of action is – he can no longer decide by himself. 


Post # 23
15 posts
  • Wedding: March 2014

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bitsybee:  +1

op- I would be very hurt. He sounds very selfish and self centered. I mean, does he never stop to think that maybe his fiance would like to take a trip with him during the holidays. And is he spending New Years away from during these trips? That would be a big deal breaker for me. Sorry, but when two people committ to spending the rest of their lives together, you have to sacrifice things here and there and you have to think about their feelings and being with them during holidays, ESPECIALLY new years. My husband and I were long distance for over three years and that was the one holiday that we’d do whatever we had to to ring in the year together because my husband, then bf and then fiance, knew how important it was to me. 

Post # 24
1201 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I would be most upset by the fact that he doesn’t want to share these travel experiences with me.

i had a boyfriend like this years ago. I did everything I could to get him to “let” me join him on trips. He just didn’t want to though.

now, my Fiance and I always prefer to travel with each other. I’ve taken a few trips home and a girls trip to Vegas, but I miss him the whole time so it isn’t even that much fun. I don’t ski but my guy insists I come to the mountains with him anyways. 

I don’t think there’s anything *wrong* with traveling without your partner, but I think if one partner is upset being left out then the other partner should do something to remedy that. The wrong answer is to hide it and lie about until immediately before he leaves.

I would dump him. 

Marriage doesnt change anything. He will continue to take these trips without you. 

Post # 25
113 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I wouldn’t sign up for a lifetime of this. 

Post # 26
499 posts
Helper bee

Girl bye! I expect husbandly behavior from a man who wants to be my husband, and if he doesn’t want to be my husband, I have other things to do with my precious time!

I too would feel lonely and ditched, and I would be pissed that he’s shacking up in my mom’s house for free while he’s taking vacations without me. I think it’s totally fine to go separately sometimes but your SO has to be okay with that! I would never leave my SO without his blessing, and I would never just peace out on him – and I’d hand him his ass if he did that to me, ESPECIALLY during the holidays. 

Also, his family’s opinion has no place in your relationship. This is between you and him.

Post # 28
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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Jijitattoo:  my thoughts exactly!

Post # 29
892 posts
Busy bee

Are you sure it’s really his aunt he’s vacationing with?  Have you talked to her about their trips after the fact or seen photos?  Sorry, but thats what I thought of as soon as read this.

Post # 30
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I wouldn’t be sad, I’d be livid.  He lives rent free, jets off to exciting locations whenever he pleases & does gawd knows what in Amsterdam.  All without showing not the slightest concern for your feelings.

What a prize.

What makes this ok with you?  I know you say it isn’t, but it is or he’d be gone.

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