(Closed) Do I have the ‘right’ to be mad? or even sad?

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

It sounds to me like she has been honest with you.  She called to tell you she was going to be late, she called to tell you she wasn’t comfortable buying a dress right now, and you don’t know the circumstances of her trip to Phoenix…it could have been something they had to do.  Either way, if she and her husband are low on cash, it’s perfectly reasonable for them to spend whatever money they do have on whatever they need.  I’m not sure exactly why you’re so upset with her.  I think you need to sit down with her and have a conversation about your expectations and her expectations and get on the same page.  It sounds to me like whatever is going on with you two is due to a break down in communication.  You said she’s one of your most important and favorite cousins–she’s family!  It’s really important for you guys to work this out.  I wish you lots of luck.

Post # 4
Member
883 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mrsmdphd: Well said. I agree with everything you said. 

Post # 5
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ok, so are you getting married next November still?  You mentioned it changed for the better, but didn’t say the new date. 

I think that’s WAY early to order a dress.  Pregnant or not, people’s weight or your taste could change a lot in a year. 

Honestly, I paid for all my bridesmaids’ dresses up front and just told them they had to pay me by the day of the wedding.  It’s most important to ME that they arrive dressed, so I had the money to lose and it was a risk I was willing to take.  Could you work it into your budget to front the money, and run the risk of not getting it back?

However, if this is a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation, then I guess that might not be an option.

I think you need to discuss your expectations of your bridesmaids.  For me, mine all lived a distance away, so when I asked them I was clear that the only thing I expected of them was to show up on the day wearing any grey dress they wanted.  You have to figure out what you expect and communicate it to your friends. 

Post # 7
Member
941 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

This sounds like a really frustrating situation…I’m sorry you’re dealing with it.

From what it sounds like, your cousin has a lot on her plate–and that mixed with her selfishness (as you stated) is a good creation of a person who may not be able to be reliable in the way you’d hope.  And I know how much of a bummer that can be, especially amongst all the excitement of wedding planning.

I know this is said over and over on the board, and I say it again not to sound like a repeating person but just to..well I guess to say it again and bring some context to the situation.  Weddings can get SO exciting and consume so much of our lives, and we forget that other people don’t have the same sense of excitement and enthusiasm, because they have their own things going on.  And it sounds like your cousin with a two year old, her TTC, and money issues has a lot going on that would distract her from being considerate to the wedding requests you’re asking of her.  (Not to excuse her behavior, it’s just how it is…so it sounds like).

Now, to respond to your original heading, do you have a “right” to be mad.  I think that it’s never okay to tell someone their feelings aren’t alright.  You feel what you feel, and that’s how it is.  Plus, this is a challenging sounding situation, and anger is a  very common response to challenging situations. 

I think going forward, for your own sense of emotional wellbeing, it’s important that you have an honest talk with her and really find out what she’s capable of doing and willing to do.  And in doing that, try your best to look at this independent of any past experiences.  I know that you were her Maid/Matron of Honor, and it’s easy to say well I did this so now it’s your turn.  For whatever reason, she’s not giving you the same support you gave her, so that won’t be a helpful card to play, and I’d imagine will only cause more stress to you, because your hoping for something you may not get.  So, talk with her, find out if she has the time/energy/money to be involved in the bridal party, and if she does, make sure she’s clear on what your expectations are.  It’s fair for you to have expectations, and it’s also fair for her to know what they are so she can make an honest decision, and give you an honest answer.

Good luck with this!  It sounds like a not so fun experience, and I hope you find a resolution that you feel comfortable with. 

Post # 8
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t see anything wrong with anything she’s done. It takes an average of 3 months for a couple who is TTC to do so, so it is completely logical to wait and see what happens. Not to mention you have a year before the wedding, you don’t need to start dress shopping until about 6 months out.

You’re a bit out of line with several situations that you mentioned, its not her fault her car broke down, at least she showed up and then you’re still rude to her and just walk away from her instead of taking advantage of the time she did have to spend at the party? Then her husband gets a ticket and you get mad at her?

I must be missing something big, because I don’t see her as selfish at all.

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I have to agree with the first post. I understand how you feel, because my best friend gave me similar issues. It wasn’t until we got together and talked about it that we both understood each other. I hope it helps too!

Post # 10
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I am trying to understand this:

1- She was late because she had car trouble, then you were rude and just walked away from her?

2- She was honest that she might get preg so didn’t think its a good idea to BUY a dress yet, so you cancelled all the dress shopping, and then you left her a passive agressive FB message when she went ahead and made other plans?

I don’t see how she has done anything wrong at all.  It sounds like someone else is being the “insensitive and inconsiderate” one. 

Post # 11
Member
7300 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you need to take five minutes and breathe. In my opinion you are overreacting. You have a full year until your wedding. You have older women being in your party who have lives of their own. It sounds like your matron of honor just has a lot of her plate. A husband, two year old, and unexpected money issues. Life happens. You may think that it would be super easy to just order a dress but that’s extra money some people just don’t have at the end of the month. Speeding tickets (if it was a speeding ticket) are not cheap and getting those paid is way more important than thinking about a bridesmaids dress one year out. 

I think you should apologize for your behavior at your e-party. She called to let you know she was having car troubles (another expense) and that she would be late. She may live 40 mins from the party, but if she was coming with her parents perhaps they were running late. Perhaps they hit traffic. Perhaps she had to wait for them to come get her, then wait for them to get ready, and then drive to the party. 

Be prepared for your actions. If you kick her out because she is being honest with you about a money situation and life situation then be prepared to lose her as a friend. And just because some couples have a hard time TTC, doesn’t mean everyone does. Some people get pregnant the first time around. So you shouldn’t guess whether she will be pregnant or not around this time next year. Hell, if she gets pregnant next month, she will have a tiny baby when your wedding rolls around. (another expense) 

Post # 12
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Yeah i think you’d want to talk a little bit to her about your expectations.  

I do know that my car, i love that car, never breaks down when i’m at home it loves to act up while i’m in the middle of the Beltway at rush hour.  Maybe something like that happened to your cousin, tracking down someone to tow or a ride at the last minute can be time consuming. 

like other posters said you have time to plan, and no wedding is as important to everyone else in it as it is to the bride.

Post # 14
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Maybe what you are feeling is that your relationship isn’t being reciprocated?  Like, you did a lot for her wedding, and now that it is your turn she should return the kindness?  I would probably feel the same way as you – sad and disappointed.  Of course the logical side of you understands why she is making the choices she is making, but I think it is alright to feel a little bit down.  It does sound like it is a stressful time for her, and addressing your issues with her might not help – it might just make things more strained.

I definitely understand being frustrated at bm’s financial choices, though – one of my bridesmaids ordered her dress at the last minute because she told me she didn’t have the money, but since she told me all about her traveling and her nights out on the town, I knew that it wasn’t that she didn’t have the money…it was that she didn’t want to set aside the money for something that was important to me.  She is a very special friend but during my engagement she was quite selfish.

Post # 15
Member
987 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Sorry to hear you’re feeling so upset.  I don’t think she is being selfish, but rather your expectations of her may be different from what she’s willing to do or sees as important. 

My advice would be to go easy on her and communicate with her – she’s your friend!!

 

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