(Closed) Do I have the right to be upset?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
9251 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

OK I gues I am going to be the first to say it- you get one day not a month, not a week. I really can’t believe that a sibling would be so petty to not want to be happy for a sibling and their wife about such a monumental moment in life. They live in another state and the family will all be together- what better time to throw a baby shower which will take what half a day of your precious time to attend. 

That said you do not have to throw the shower- just tell mum that you wont have the time to commit to it in the run up to your wedding.

As far as a gift is concerned- yesh a gift is just that a gift and should never be expected. Given the fact that your brother and his wife are young (so not established) and he is in the army (so not a big pay check) and they have a baby onthe way but are spending the money to attend your wedding yeah I can see why they wouldn’t have the cash to get you a present. At least they were upfront about. I think it is horribly petty to not get them a gift just because they cannot afford to get you one. What they choose to spend their money on is their concern- not yours same as what you spend your money on. How would you feel if you brother started posting on the internet about how his sister is spending ridiculous amounts of money on something as stupid as a wedding (not my opinion just an example)- not nice right!

I hope that you can find it in yourself to be happy for this couple and to wish them well and help celebrate a great event in their life just like they are coming to help celebrate the big event in yours!

Post # 18
9947 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

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@kerensa: and
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@calpolyvanessa:  and j_jaye – It is the Bride’s Mom (and the Baby’s Grandmother) who is planning to throw / Host this Shower. 

NOT the Bride, she is just annoyed that her Mom has announced this will be happening while everyone is around for the Wedding (as I said… this does look like an opportunity to UPSTAGE THE BRIDE).

— — —

View original reply
@cayday19:  you said…

Yes. I have 4 siblings, 3 which are out of state and 2 are enlisted in the army. I don’t think the reason “because everyone will be there” is the best because they are attending the wedding as well so she gets to meet the whole family there. I just will be so frustrated trying to get everything done. No one is literally helping me through all this planning since 90% of my family lives out of states and my wedding is very DIY. So pretty much that whole week we will be playing catch up. It wouldn’t bother me so much if she didn’t treat us all like dirt and was so immature and rude.

As per my other reply, when it comes to timing, I was referring to the fact that the Shower could happen while ALL YOUR FAMILY is together during the week of your Wedding (probably what your mother was thinking too)

WHEN will be the next opportunity when that could happen again (not clear here on how far apart all your family members live from one another… just got the impression that everyone was spread out far and wide)

Agree that the timing sucks from your perspective… but it may be your Mother’s only workable choice ???

And I get that you are really going to be stressed out and busy.

And so I get how much this ticks you off (as I said in my first reply… it isn’t ideal or even correct from a point of Etiquette)… BUT your Mother is probably trying to extend an olive branch here.

Honestly, you might want to try to do the same, for the sake of the Baby.  Your words about the Mother-2B do look petty here, because as you are older you are supposed to show a more mature outlook (plus you are obviously in a better spot in life than they are).

As they say… take the high road.  You’ll be better for it.

Again (( HUGS )) I know this cannot be easy


Post # 21
1715 posts
Bumble bee

Not being rude here…bare with me…

I’m a twin and that lends to being “upstaged” all the damn time, every “important” day in my life.

Now let me tell you why I’m 90% okay with it (yes I still have petty issues with it sometimes).

My sister is..less independant than myself. She lived with my mother until she was 24. I’m been on my own since I was 17.  She needs more help than I do. So I just learned to live with it. That includes her getting engaged, weeks before I let my family know about the situation between myself and SO.

I’ve busted my ass to get where I am today. I may not be affluant in anyway (ok SO, bought me a fancy dancy coach purse and wallet, and a 2ct white sapphire promise ring, he spoils me when he can..yeah I brag about it!) but everything I have is mine and mine (and SO’s) alone. 

Your SIL is a teenager playing grown up (now forced to be a grown up with the youngling on the way). You are going to have to expect for her immaturity to creep up and often.

At 18, would you have been ready to deal with a husband whos overseas and the possibility of rasing a child on your own for a good ammount of time before he comes home?

She is stressed and has no idea how to handle it. so she acts out and is a rude little brat because of it. And she most likely feels a good bit of jealousy because you got the big wedding and she did not.

No it doesnt excuse her in anyway. 

No, I’m not saying you don’t have the right to be frustrated or hurt.

Rise up sister bee!! Be strong and know you are marrying your true love! All things pale next to that.

Let her be petty and throw her tantrums.

Let Grandma be Grandma.

You go be the prettiest and happiest Bride in your family!

Post # 22
2782 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Go. And your family should go too. There is going to be a child involved soon, and you need to rise above the fact that it’s around the time of your wedding for the sake of this child, who, from what you’ve said will probably need your family’s support very much. Part of that support includes supporting this kid’s mother to be the best mom she can be.

Sorry, but baby trumps week of wedding.


Post # 23
911 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m with This Time Round, Hellecat and sara tiara! You have an opportunity to be a bigger person here and there is a child coming into the picture. Just because someone acts immature and childish doesn’t give us the right to act the same way or to be less of a person to them.

Maybe what this girl needs is someone to help break down her walls, you don’t always know someone else’s battle. Look at this as an opporunity to reach out to someone, and show them what they were saying was wrong. I would hate to look back at my wedding and only remember this situation and anger, the sooner you let it go the more fun you will have at your wedding and look back with happy thoughts.

It sucks, it does! But you can control how you feel about it and react to it…

Post # 24
11734 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I would be upset, too.  A baby shower for your SIL can be thrown another time.  I do not think you have a right to be upset about not getting a wedding gift. They are young and expecting a baby.  If you can afford a baby shower gift for them you should give one.  Your gift to them should not be dependent on their gift (or lack thereof) to you.

Post # 25
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cayday19:  I think you’re being kind of ridiculous. I think it’s understandable to be experiencing some disappointment about the situation but that’s about it. Isn’t having your brother at your wedding enough? You need him to get you a present? He has a new life he has to be planning for and I’m sure if he’s 20 and in the military, he’s not making a boat load of money. Would you consider not getting your baby neice or nephew a gift because your brother can’t afford a wedding gift for you? That seems pretty immature to me. As far as the baby shower, ya, it’s not a convenient time for you. But if you’re not planning it, can’t you take 3-4 hours that week and do  something not wedding related for your brother. It’s your family, even if your siblings are young and immature.

Post # 26
1546 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@cayday19:  How do you know if this girl rude if no one in your family has ever met her?

Post # 27
2084 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards

The wedding is in December.  You have plenty of time to take are of all the DIYing and organizing so you won’t need to put your family to work.  If they want to throw this baby shower, let them.  Unless they hold it on your rehearsal day or wedding day, it shouldn’t derail your plans, right?

Rise above the mean chatter and focus on your wedding.  Let the rest of them figure out this shower situation and leave you out of it.  I would set this boundary NOW so they don’t drag you into organizing the shower further.


ETAL: Lots 18 year olds are immature. The teen years are a self-centered time of life.  They’re not done developing yet.  Roll your eyes and move on. 

Post # 28
2615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@nickels:  she posts things on face book….



anyways for the sake of ur niece or nephew get a gift attend the shower and put on a smily face just for the hour or 2 of the shower. and once that is done get ur bridesmaids and urself focus on wedding details that need to be done good luck

Post # 29
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@cayday19:  Have you mentioned the alternate date (at the 5-6 month mark) to your mom?  To me, that would make the most sense from your point of view, as well as your SILs (I’m almost 27 weeks pregnant and am trying to ward off a shower that could be thrown for me at the 36 week mark…I’m going to be huge and uncomfortable…she might not want a shower then).

Emotionally, I would feel just as annoyed and pissed off as you.  I would not have wanted to deal with any other social events the week of the wedding, other than those already planned. Not from a “steal my thunder” point of view, but because of logistics and stress.  I wouldn’t want to be friends with this girl, but unfortunately you can’t choose family.

Rationally, you’re going to have to deal with this.  Here’s the thing: this baby is blameless in this situation.  This girl sounds like a peach, but she is 18, married to someone in the military, and is pregnant.  I would not want to be her, but she is a member of your family and is going to have a baby.  

I would tell your mom that your first choice is the date in September and if that doesn’t work, you’re cool with attending the event the week before the wedding, but you won’t be able to help plan, etc.  Then you go, put on a smile, and give a gift to your neice or nephew.  Sometimes, a baby shower is to honour the mom (and dad) and sometimes, for whatever reason, it really is for the baby because the parents don’t have the money, wherewithall, etc. to get it together.  Your brother and SIL sound like they are going to need whatever help they can get in order to raise this baby.  For the baby’s sake, I hope that your family can get past your SIL’s ridiculous behaviour.

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