(Closed) Do I have to invite her???

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

do whatever you want.  It would be an obvious slap in the face if you invite her parents and not her, but it may effect your parents’ relationship, but it’s your wedding, so do whatever will make you happy.  And I’m talking big picture happy… will potentially hurting your parents be worth not inviting her in the long run?

I am inviting two people who I despise because one of their daughters is my niece and it’s more important to me to have her be a part of my day than to exclude them from it.  It’s a long, werid, trashy story… but it’s the family I’ve got, and I’m dealing with it.

Post # 4
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

It boils down to this.

It’s YOUR wedding you invite who YOU want.

If anyone questions your decision, say that you want to use your (limited) guest list to surrond yourself with loving and supporting people to help you celebrate your love with your FH.

Good luck!

Post # 5
3482 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

If you are on civil enough terms with the former best friend to be able to talk with her now and then, I don’t see the harm in her attending the wedding. Take it from me, I had a tiny 50 person wedding and I still barely managed to spend more than five minutes with any given person other than Darling Husband, the wedding party, and our parents; you will be far too busy to worry about her presence on the day itself if she does decide to come!

Addressing it to “Smith Family” would definitely be the best way to go about it. That way you’re not expressly inviting her, but not obviously excluding her either.

Post # 6
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You just have to weigh it out.

I ended up inviting this girl who I’d had a HUGE fall out with. We’d gotten over the argument part of it, but I was definitely still not a fan of hers. But she’s SIL’s best friend and my in laws see her a lot so I said, “What the heck, I’ll invite her-no way she’ll say yes.”

When she asked SIL if she should come, SIL responded with, “Oh definitely, she wouldn’t have invited you if she didn’t want you there!” Now she’s in a ton of the pictures (she’s an attention loving person) and I had to talk to her and see her on my wedding day. Not to make a short story long, but she even brought the boyfriend (who was not invited) she had left one of our Groomsmen for shortly after he propsed. In the long run it’s not a huge deal, but I really wish I’d chosen not to invite her just for the sake of it.

Obviously not everyone’s like this, but I’d be weary of inviting someone hoping they’ll RSVP no. Just some perspective!

Post # 7
231 posts
Helper bee

I agree with the two Previous. It is your day and you want to spend it with people who love and support you and not have those negative feelings. If you haven’t seen her in a while and you probably won’t I say don’t. Who cares if she gets pissy, she obvi didn’t care when she sat you down to be rude to you. 


Do whatever makes YOU happy!

Post # 8
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Your wedding you invite who YOU want… not who your parents want or think you should invite… or anyone else for that matter.

It’s a day that you are going to remember for the rest of your life… is she someone you want to be included in this memory?….

Post # 10
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Ms. Martian: You said “seeing her still makes me feel anxious.”

Do you want to risk these feelings on your wedding day? Listen to your heart and how she makes you feel to be in her presence. Your parents may disagree, but if they really get that she causes you anxiety, they may be more understanding (I hope).

* HUGS *

Post # 11
2701 posts
Sugar bee

I second pink.sequins. It’s your wedding and you need to have those there with you that care for you the most.

Post # 13
1941 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have to agree with the PPs that are saying no. It’s YOUR wedding day, invite who YOU want to be there.

When I first met my mother’s boyfriend back in January, I didn’t like him. I got a very bad first impression. After getting home from vacation, I worried how I was going to tell my mom that I didn’t want to give her a PlusOne. (My sis/BM ended up doing it for me, lol)

Now that I’ve seen him again since and gotten a chance to get to know him, things may or may not change in the aspect of a plus one for my mom, but the point is: why invite someone you don’t want to be there? This isn’t a BYOB backyard BBQ pool party, it’s a wedding!

Post # 14
1909 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@Ms. Martian: Her silence has spoken volumes about how she feels about you. You certainly are under no obligation (parents or otherwise) to invite her to share this important and life changing day with you.

Now, I’m gonna go figure out how to listen to my own advice 🙂

Post # 15
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Have you ever spoken to your friend about what happened?  If not, doing so, might help push you one way or the other.  She might feel badly about what happened and she might be too ashamed of her behavior to say anything to you.  Talking to her might not necessarily be a good idea, but I’m just curious if you ever told her how painful what she did was, or if she ever expressed remorse.  Is she still friends with the toxic twosome?  If so, I would definitely keep my distance from her.   

If you explicitly don’t invite her though, your friendship will likely be over.  It doesn’t sound like that would be a big loss to you, but you may want to keep it in mind when you make your decision.  And if you do invite her and she does come, I agree with some of the previous posters…you will hardly see her at the wedding. There isn’t even time to stop and talk with all of the people you want to spend time with but the attention whore thing could be an issue.

It sounds like the family invite is a good middle ground.  Since you have a year to think about it, I would continue mulling things over and go with your gut when the time comes.  Even though you are rarely in touch with her now, something could change between now and the wedding that makes you feel strongly about her one way or the other.  

Post # 16
14 posts
  • Wedding: October 2011

Thats a hard predicament.. You don’t want to upset your parents, but should you have to go through the annoyance of having to please someone else, ON YOUR DAY! Its your wedding, not your parents. Yes you have been friends for a long time, but people grow apart ya know… it’s just one of those things, and if she really truely cared, she would have been a first to congratulate you..
I’m kind of going through a similar thing, we had considered a date, but due to venues already being booked and all of that we had to change it to the next weekend, well my mom had mentioned to my grandma the first date, and my grandma comes up to me on easter and starts telling me a whole list of HER friends to invite, and then when i said something about the new OFFICIAL date, she had a fit “You just can’ go changing things like that and not letting people know, my friends are going to have to request off and make sure they don’t have other plans, and book the hotels” .. I’ve never been hateful or mean or rude to my grandma, but that sure did set me off. :-/

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